Some jumbled up thoughts are bouncing around in my head today. Its not an unusual thing for me nor are the questions new. But today, of all the days, I am feeling them all around me. These thoughts sticking to my skin, sticking to everything I touch, on anything I lay my eyes upon. And all they make me feel is fake, sometimes doubtful.
I look at myself from outside. I try to see what people see me as. Its not an effort to evaluate my worth in the eyes of others. Its a futile attempt to see my actions to understand myself, without bias, without excuses. But turns out it a very hard thing to do. To know myself .I don’t know what I am anymore. I see a person who does anything they want to , say anything to anyone without the considerations of their influence upon others. All in the name of frankness, genuineness and upfront attitude. I am no better than the people who hurt me. Of people I look down upon. I turn out to be exactly like them. But with the only difference being , its me who is doing all this, and that makes it so much easier to do and so much justified every action becomes.
Is being rude bad? If someone is being rude to me without any reason or provocation, then I’d not like them. I am not going to judge them. Simply I will stay away from them.But me being rude, is that okay…?It shouldn’t be..But somehow I have a long reason for that as well. I like people. They are so difficult to understand, so multi-dimensional, so different each one of them.But I don’t want to be around them. Why for some reason that can come to my mind are: (a) I am always waiting for people to betray my trust. I have a very trusting nature. But I choose consciously not to. So first is for my own safety (b) I like people at distance. I have such a good opinion of them in my heart even though I may not show it. But I am afraid that If I knew them better, they will turn out to be everything I fear. I don’t want to loose their good image. In fact I don’t want to loose the illusion of safety that the image of ‘good people ‘ surrounding me provide me.
Or simply as I read somewhere “I am fed up of people disappointing me”
I like people but I don’t like them. I see the list of qualities I that I thought I always am. But now when I see me, when I think of why I act the way I do. I see nothing good about it. Everything I do is out of selfishness. Have I ever felt love or is it something IO made up because I should. Do I really live up to these ethics i hold or are they just a mask to hide what I am? Can I really move on or am I staging this whole life and creating more complications to avoid meeting my own eyes, to avoid seeing the answers, to avoid getting hurt? I am not so sure of my feeling anymore. Is the sadness I feel really mine, or is it some feeling I gobbled up from a book or song to feed my heart. Am I the person I believe to be? Have I been unsure of everything I am all the way till now? Or has something in me changed for me to ask these question that have no answers and the answer I find lead me nowhere? Why couldn’t I do what I do, without thinking why I do? It is so exhausting to see all the things in me that need to be fixed, but I won’t change myself for reasons best known to me.
The answer I can’t find. The solution I have.
In the pages I fed to my heart.
“I shrugged.’Just habit’. How all of my life’s complication and complex idiosyncrasies could be reduced to a shrug and two words.How nothing words could be”
-Cecilia Ahern, A Place Called Here