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Monthly Archives: February 2017

Fear #101

Fear #101

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“I have such a fear of finding another like myself, and such a desire to find one! I am so utterly lonely, but I also have such a fear that my isolation be broken through, and I no longer be the head and ruler of my universe.”

Anaïs Nin

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On friendships….

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I don’t remember the first time I met her. Perhaps when things are really important, we don’t remember first moments. Or, more likely, I just met her before I was old enough to form these kind of intentional memories, before I was capable of reaching back in time and freezing an image into significance, naming it a beginning.

People talk a lot about whether men and women can be friends, as though the difficulty of friendship stopped there, as though the same question shouldn’t be asked about all friendship- can two women be friends, can two people be friends?….Is there any love possible in which one person doesn’t want something from the other that isn’t quite the same thing that the other person wants from them?

Helena Fitzgerald, “First Best Friend”

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She writes really awesome. To read the complete article visit:

https://catapult.co/stories/first-best-friend

 

 

As Life Runs On….

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As life runs on, the road grows strange
With faces new, and near the end
The milestones into headstones change,
’Neath every one a friend.

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-James Russell Lowell

“Only Way” -Nayana Nair

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To hurt each other was all we knew

The only way we could love

We couldn’t stop

We couldn’t think

Until there was no ‘us’ to hurt.

Till we could only feel pain

at each other’s sight

Till we became numb to everything

but insults and fight

It leaves me wondering

if ‘too much love’ is really ‘love’

Is this what happens

when we give each other everything

and there’s nothing left for ourselves?

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Passing Time

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I felt the end is drawing near,

would time be so kind to slow?
You are everything
to me, my dear-
you are all I really know.

But as I sit and wait and fear
and watch the hours go-

Everything that happened here,
happened long ago.

***

-Lang Leav

Bookstore

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I love the fact that

every bookstore you enter

reminds you

of me.

“Won’t you?”- Nayana Nair

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I have nothing to talk to you,

my friend.

I have hundred things that make me cry at this moment.

There are moments in my life that fill me with joy,

that makes my life seem worth living,

that you do not know of .

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But I have nothing to say to you.

You are still my friend,

but I feel we exist in different world.

My world consists of only me.

And your world has no place

for the silence that I speak in.

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But I can’t tell you that.

I don’t want to lose you.

You may not know me now.

I may not know you too.

We are holding he hands of our past selves.

But you know it already,

don’t you?

But love me still, like I love you.

Won’t you?

“I can’t hear your sighs” – Nayana Nair

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I can’t hear your sighs

while you think I do not care enough.

I would love to bind myself and my life

around you,

Had I not been so sure

that freedom is the only measure of happiness for me.

kji

The love they talk about

is not in my heart.

I can’t harbor such sweetness.

I can’t live in surrender.

I was not made for that.

My heart was not made to be loved,

but to be cherished.

I won’t settle for anything less.

I do not ask for anything more.

kji

My idea of love was never

the protection or sense of safety I always lacked.

Or admiration true or false

that could put to sleep the complexes I have.

Or to be touched in ways

that make human hearts race.

kji

My idea of love was

to be so precious to someone

that they you never

change me or break me.

kji

You changed me.

You broke me.

And I only remember the sighs you took while doing so.

Making me feel less than what I am.

kji

But still, I breathe the same air as you,

Cause,

Once,

You almost loved me.

List of things I don’t know

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  • Know when to give up and when to not.
  • Take responsibility of my life.
  • Take steps to become the person I want.
  • Stop thinking about things that do not matter.
  • Think about things that do matter.
  • Accept and enjoy the happiness I have.
  • Not to question every good thing in my life
  • Not to wait for something bad to happen every moment.
  • Accept compliments.
  • Give compliment.
  • Give my opinion on anything to anyone.
  • Believe in myself.
  • Talk to a stranger (even if I want to).
  • Not hide behind my pain as an excuse.
  • Not trying to guess ulterior motives of people (even if they may not have any).
  • Know how much love to give.
  • Not  to be bound by my comfort zone.
  • Try something new.
  • Not be blinded by emotion even if I know I will regret it.
  • Accept my limitations and move on.
  • Not to be awkward around people.
  • Not be self-obsessed.
  • Make a list like this, without getting depressed by it.
  • Eat healthy.
  • Keep friends.
  • Not get influenced by emotional blackmail of everyone around me.
  • Accept my fault/ mistakes.
  • Break out of my habits.
  • Write something meaningful.
  • Love people who deserve it.
  • Declare to world how much of a mess I am (did that right now 🙂 )
  • Continue writing this stupid list.

 

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“I once wrote…” – Nayana Nair

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I once wrote a beautiful poem

which sounded like a happy child

playing in an empty church.

The echoes of his laughter and footsteps

playing in a never ending loop.

But I have never been a happy child.

I have never been to a church.

The poem was beautiful.

It was just not me.

 

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