The grass was not green,
the sky was not blue,
and the weather
far from perfect.
But wherever in life I’ve been,
to whomever I was true,
I am reminded of all of it
so I sat and wept.
And tears are not the bad part,
they will dry and be gone.
It’s the days when I can’t cry,
that I doubt, maybe my heart
has turned to stone,
with pain forever inside.
I like to start sentences
with ‘and’, ‘but’ and ‘so’.
To try to ignore
the long silences,
that I was not able to fill.
So that I do not feel the burden
of breaking this fragile world of silence,
just to fill it with
hopeless words, full of despair.
I want to believe
that all the damage has already been done,
the world has been broken,
and will be broken again.
There is enough sadness
already in air.
That nothing I say
can make it worse.
And this assumption
is more sad,
than anything I say.
So, this would be the first ‘tag’ post I ever make. And I know it will be fun. And I would like to thank Shivangi for nominating me for this tag. 🙂 She has a really wonderful blog, so don’t miss out on that. 🙂
Apart from the tag, I would also like to thank Shivangi for taking interest in my writing and leaving comments that provide me more insight on the topic I am trying to explore. Thanks a lot for that. 🙂
Without further ado……here are the rules:
Thank the person who nominated you.
Answer their 11 questions.
Tag 11 people.
Give them 11 questions to answer.
Since the rules have been listed.
Let’s move on to the fun part…..the really-tough-and-interesting-questions asked and my not-so-interesting answers 🙂
What does spirituality mean to you?
I am not sure whether I am a religious person or a spiritual person. I do follow all most of the rituals of my religion with dedication. But at the same time, I don’t think that any of it, actually makes much sense. I don’t think praying a certain amount of time to God, or fearing God, makes anyone a good person.
Spirituality for me means to become a better person, to achieve the highest level of your being. Living such a way, that the way you live your life becomes the gesture of gratitude for the Higher Power, that always looks after you. I don’t think religion and spirituality are mutually exclusive. I think spirituality is an essential part of it. I think spirituality is the core of religion. All the man made rituals, ideals, rules and way of living revolved around a certain idea of goodness. But sadly I do believe, that nowadays people have forgotten the that core idea.
(Am I making sense ? 😦 )
If given an opportunity to change something in your past,what would it be?
Although there is a classic answer of ‘ I would not want to change a thing. Everything that happened, brought me here and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” And believe me, I am very much tempted to write that. But I believe there are times in life that I have looked back and seen how stupid I have been, for doing certain things, that do not even make sense, but I still had to bear the consequences of it.
And in most cases, that regret is always about me lying. I lie a lot. I mean to an extent, that is not even necessary. These lies in beginning were told for reasons like: ‘I don’t want them to know much about me’, ‘Anyway they don’t care’, ‘I would get in big trouble’, ‘Only way that I won’t be judged’. But after sometime it becomes a habit. I regret lying so much that it made my life difficult and of people around me.
Although nothing would give me more peace than saying ‘I know I was wrong and I won’t ever do it again’. But the reality is that, although I regret many stuff, I still don’t consider lying as a big deal, will most probably lie a lot in future also. I am not sure of what I will say next second. But I am slowly trying to change myself by understanding that at the core of all this was my insecurity about myself. I am working on that. And I hope once this disease is cured, the symptoms (i.e lying and other stuff) will also disappear.
(Is i just me, or is this post becoming really depressing? 😦 Too much self reflection 😦 )
What is your phobia/fear?
I have lots and lots of fear. I can say that I am probably afraid of everything in life. I am afraid of life itself. 🙂 Not a good way to live life. I know. 🙂 Not much can be done about it. Except for pretending that nothing scares you and pray that no one sees through you. (Or maybe hope, that someone does). If I write about all my fear, this would be a very very long post.
But I can give you an example of my phobia. I have social anxiety. I don’t even know whether it classifies as phobia or not. But yeah, it’s difficult to live with it. And people don’t understand. And people not understanding is not the worse part. The worse part is when these people think of you as a project, as a rat in their experiment. Trying to make you go through all sort of stuff, thinking that one of the things is bound to help you get rid of it. Although I know, they are my well wishers who want best for me. But it is kind of annoying. But good news is I am trying to work on that. I hope in at least 4-5 years I will be able to handle myself better. Wish me luck. 🙂
Do you ever think of writing a book?If yes,then what would it be based on?
I wanted…still want to write a book so desperately. And I have tried many times. But never finished it, got bored of it, realized how stupid the idea was, or worse..to realize someone has already written it.
One of the first story I tried to write about was titled ‘ Sunset in East’ (I find the title quite silly now). I had written maybe around 60 pages of it. And it had reached only 1/5th of the story I had in mind. But what happened is, when I was on page 60 and tried to read page 1. What I have written seemed so childish and stupid. So I decided I will start from scratch again, and write it better. So I started writing from page 1 again…and guess what again when I looked back…it again seemed stupid. So what happens is, I am not satisfied with I write, I rewrite so much that I was never able even get to 2/5th of the novel. Then it was all so irritating, that I just abandoned it. 🙂 The book I had intended to write was based on magic, fantasy, friendship and romance kind of stuff.
I have tried 2-3 times after that to write different ideas into stories, but never finished one of them. Abandoned all of them. And now I don’t even bother to give them a title. Why bother when I won’t be able to finish it anyway. I hope one day I am able to write something good.
Which is your dream destination?
I am not sure of that. It all depends on what book I am reading or which movie I have seen recently. For example, when I was reading ‘Angels and Demon’ long time ago, I wanted to go to Rome. When I read ‘Eat, Pray, Love’, I wanted to go to Bali. When I watched movie ‘Lootera’, I wanted to go to …wherever-the-place-this-pic-is. (still want to go there)
In my day-dreams I think of living here and writing my whole life. I like the feeling this thought gives.
I am recently into K-pop and K-drama, so I also think of going to Korea.
Who is that person or thing that melts you down (as in your weakness)?
There are very few people who I really love. Only handful. (Isn’t it same for everyone). And these people can make me do anything they want. They are all my weakness. But I try my best to not let them know that by acting like I don’t care. But I don’t think my acting skills are good enough to convince them. 😦 I don’t like others to know that they are my weakness. 🙂
Is there any habit or trait that you would like to change in yourself?If yes,then what is it?
I would like to be less selfish. I want to lie less. I wish to be more confident. I want to know how good or bad I am at writing , so I don’t have to guess all the time. I want to get the courage to talk to strangers and not make them uncomfortable with my silence or one-word answers. Any many many such things.
Do you believe in the concept of ‘best friends forever’?
I want to believe in the concept of best friends forever. But from my own experience in life, I don’t think it happens. Not for me at least. I have had quite a number of best friends. And things would be really great in beginning. But then they change or I change and the relationship becomes difficult to handle. Sometimes it slowly fades away that you don’t even realize how this distance has come in between you. And many a times we may try to save that friendship, but it still collapses. Although they are my best friends still, in my mind. But I know that friendship doesn’t exist. And it is better sometimes not to think of how it all ended. I just prefer to remember the good times I have with them.
I would like to quote one line from song ‘The Long Road’ from Passenger (love this song):
“You built friendships but they, sailed without you”
Is there any goal that you are currently chasing?
I have only two goals right now.
Waste lots of time doing useless stuff that makes me happy (which I have never been able to do much)
Whom do you ardently admire?
I admire lots of people. But the general characteristic common in these people involve who work hard for their dreams and don’t give a damn for what others say. Either I aspire to be like them or I am like them and that’s why can relate to them. I have no idea which one is the case.
Do you believe in the statement that we are the creators of our own destiny?If yes then to what extent do you think it is true?
Yes, I think it is true to some extent. But I think everything in life is 50% hard work and 50% luck. Although I like the idea that we can get everything we want, we can be anything we set our heart to. But in real life, it seldom happens. We can put our 50% of hard work in everything we do. And try again and again, because one day the luck may be in our favor. That is the maximum we can do. But hard work doesn’t necessarily guarantee success. At the same time we have in our hands the choice to give up or not. And maybe what we choose despite the failures, creates our destiny.
That ends the ordeal of going through my messy thoughts (that make no sense whatsoever)
Now time to nominate 11 people. I always have a mixed feeling about nominating people for these. Some don’t want to be bothered with it. And some others (like me) love it. So anyone I mention (or don’t mention) is free to take up this tag. But we must stick to the formalities/rules, so here are these 11 people:
Today, I was reminded of
a fading memory
of a rather idle summer afternoon,
of me sitting on floor
in the living room
with people who loved me
and people whom I loved.
Between whom, ‘love’ word was never spoken aloud;
for whom ‘love’ was not to be taken lightly.
The rare love that didn’t demand commitment,
promises and responsibility.
The lightness of that afternoon,
the lightness of that love,
when we saw the same movie for nth time
laughed on same repeated jokes,
(the jokes I don’t remember),
that lightness was enough to keep us
from growing old for a long long time;
enough to assure us
that we have someone who cares.
And though we feared we would loose what we have,
today is a day much similar to that
and we are still the same.
That makes me smile.
I was on my way to a place
that only exists in my mind.
And with each footprint I left behind
it became more real.
And though I know I hated each second
of wandering without a map.
But I know I loved it too.
But sitting by this river.
Listening to water
eroding the underlying stones
one particle at time.
I think of how wonderful it would be
if I could just stop
and live here.
I spend days by the river.
I don’t know
how many more I will spend.
And slowly I feel that
there is more to life than wandering.
But I also know
that one day I will regret staying.
Not knowing where I could have been
if I had only crossed that river.
Shall I stay or keep moving?
I don’t know.
I don’t want to decide now.
Let me stay a few more days in the peace that I never found.
In the peace that I always wanted.
The wind chimes on television
seem so beautiful,
sound so soothing.
But I had a wind chime
that never made a sound.
There was never a wind around my house
at least not the one that pleased my wind chimes.
The occasional wind will touch my cheeks
but never the edges of the shining metal.
It never made the song that I longed for.
It made me feel
that my life was more stagnant
than it really was.
The only time it made a sound
was when my hands played with it.
But it was tiring
and it never quite sounded the same.
It never sounded like
the wind chimes on television.