“I Hope Not” – Nayana Nair


I stood at the bottom of the stairs,
stones climbing on each other
as my eyes touch their edges
rain dripping from the green slowly taking them down.
Soon I started to wonder as I always do,
when I see a place I have never been to.
In the days I had not known you
could you be here, where I was not.
Can the air here
remember your face as you moved through it.
I hope not.
I hope you never wander to places
I moved through, when you were not there.
I hope you never find me.
I hope no one remembers what I was.
For I am as I was.
How much would it hurt for you to know
that not even you can reduce my pain,
even with all your love.
I hope you were happier before me,
I hope you will be happier after I leave.
Just a few more days
till I think of the way to end my suffering.


  1. alienpoet says:

    absolutely I hope you were happier before me,
    I hope you will be happier after I leave.

  2. volkuros says:

    I love your poetry, and I really wanted to give you a “like” on this one. But frankly, I’m concerned. Are you okay?

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Frankly speaking I am never okay, have never been. But it has been so long that I am living like this, I think I have learned to cope with things better and accept everything the way it is. I do not mean to say that life is hard on me, I just have issues with myself. Most days everything is good in my life, like everything is good right now, but I can’t shake of the feelings from the bad days. That makes it more frustrating for me, cause nothing I do can change this condition.
      But on a brighter side, since I am pretty sure that I am never going to take any drastic steps (reasons: I am too curious about life and I can’t stand pain). So I think it will all be fine.
      Was watching a movie “Pink and Gray” the night before I wrote this. Let’s say that movie triggered me a bit (a lot). There are parts of me that I do not like, the thoughts I would rather ignore. But the best I can do for them is to let them breathe and speak, know that someone hears them, even if it is only me.
      I am touched by your concern for me. I have very few people in life, who actually care for me. Means a lot to me. Thank you 😀

      1. volkuros says:

        I’m sorry to hear this. But I’m glad you’re not planning anything drastic. The last line in this piece sounded like you were. And I’m no stranger to that kind of thing, so I just wanted to reach out so you’d know you’re not alone in this.

        I’ve always disapproved of the phrase “misery loves company.” People who are miserable don’t wish it upon others, so the phrase itself is poorly worded. But it does make us feel less alone to know that others have had similar experiences, and I’d like to think that was the point of the phrase itself. But I also have very few people in my life, and I understand how it feels not to have anyone to reach out to when you need them. If you’re interested, I’d be more than happy to keep in touch. It sounds like we both have plenty of room in our lives for another friend. I’m always around if you need someone.

      2. Nayana Nair says:

        The last line is where all my feelings and thinking end up at the end of my bad days. That somehow if only I was not here, in this world, then people around me won’t hurt so bad, the feeling that I am falling short of what people expect from me, and are justified in expecting. But all I can do is handling myself from breaking. I do not want to wear the excuse of my pain and sadness for my short comings. But as I said, even though I feel this most days, but I won’t act on it.
        I think people around me have even worse problems than me, and if they can go on, I can go on.
        I agree with you, misery doesn’t love company. My misery wants the world to be better, wants everyone to be spared of what I am going through. But sometimes to protect others from all this, you have to close your own heart, so that they can’t be affected by it, so I do not take them down with me. It does get lonely. But frankly it gives me some relief to see the ones I love be happy and not worry about me. Even when I can’t fight for myself, I still find the strength to fight for the happiness of whom I treasure.
        Thanks for being there for me. I appreciate you gesture of kindness. Means a lot 🙂

      3. volkuros says:

        I understand. And you’re very welcome.

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s