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“What I Remember(4)” – Nayana Nair

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I tell myself that I have nothing worth saying and that no one wants to listen.
I know this because I have tried to speak my mind
and in best cases I have been told that my mind is not that right,
that the experience that I speak from doesn’t exist for them,
so they will unanimously refuse to acknowledge my narrative.
Or they will smile at me and look down at me.
But I am not their adorable kid who had got her alphabets mixed up.
I am a person equal to them,
and my level of ignorance is equal to them
even if it is not about same things.

***

I am a person equal to them.
I am a person equal to them
I am a person equal to them…
I have to keep repeating it
or else I might just forget.
Maybe I have already started to forget
because these days I speak in small sentences, waiting for affirmative nods.
I find myself reading everything that they will approve of.
I find myself voicing what they want to hear.
I see myself calling myself stupid before they call me one.
I see myself nod understandingly at everything I disagree with.
I hear the arguments inside me against the favorite opinions of everyone
and they stay inside me,
and everyone is happy.

***

“You are too young to know better, to know reality.
You are too girlish to see the world for what it is.
You are too sentimental to speak logically.”
I know the wall of judgement I will run into
if I let myself speak.

***

So you may actually want to listen
and you might not be like others.
But I can’t bring myself to speak about what matters to me.
Cause either I will be wounded at my weakest spot
or I will end up hating you just for being like everyone else
when you ridicule me, interrupt me to correct me
and try to tell me what I should be feeling instead.
I won’t give you a chance
because I can’t take chances with our friendship.
I won’t speak up
because I don’t want to feel more inferior than I already do.

***

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

14 responses »

  1. Nice depiction of d world’s view

    Reply
  2. I’ve read these words of yours – more than once this morning and likely will again today – well worth writing – absolutely.

    Reply
    • I am really glad to hear that. It feels as if my writing (that I have so much doubts about) has served its purpose when I hear this from you.
      Thanks a lot πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€

      Reply
  3. So, a part of me thinks that you just wrote what’s in my mind.
    I resonate to almost all of your thoughts you mentioned here. And after a certain point, I have stopped speaking up altogether. I just keep to myself. It seems better that way, I guess. But then again, the others always get away with their superior stupidity and I say to myself, maybe I should speak up my mind.

    I did. And I made more enemies than friends. The dilemma then sinks in. Was it worth it? What do you think? Is it worth it ?

    Reply
    • Yupp, you are correct. Usually the poems that I write and not entirely me. So once in a while under “What I Remember” topic, I try to write about topics that I have strong feelings for and that entirely reflect me.

      I think speaking in face of this low key opposition is brave and takes courage. (The courage I have never found myself.) And once you take that step, no one knows what that will result in. One can realize their self-worth through it, as they can stop doubting themselves frequently. But many times people do get offended when you break out of the role of silent listener, since they feel we are questioning their authority when they feel superior to us. But it is something that can’t be helped. We can’t please everyone. Either we continue to live in shadows and suffer or burn under the light of criticism. But I feel at least in speaking for our self, we are freeing ourselves from the cage of our creation. At least we are not our own enemy then. That is a relief in itself. So I think it is worth it. πŸ™‚

      (PS. Check out speech by BTS on “Speak Yourself” at UN. Though it is a simple speech I found found it very relatable.)

      Reply
  4. It sure is hard to speak up sometimes 😦 I wish it wasn’t that way. Lovely writing.

    Reply
  5. After reading this I’m a tad curious as to what inspired you to write this?
    Beautiful style of writing by the way πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • “What I Remember” topics are mostly about what I topics that are always on my mind. Things or a way of thinking that are a part of me. And all those things need not be something positive. I am an opinionated person but I do not have much confidence to speak in front of other, because of my past experience. The silence that I have enforced on myself is something that pains me a lot, even though people find it easier and more convenient when they don’t have to listen to what I want to say. It could be my own inferiority complex. But through writing about it, I just wanted to examine what are the reasons I have turned out like this.
      What triggered me into writing about it was speech by RM at UN. When he said “speak yourself”, I examined what that meant to me personally. πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • First off i’m hugeeee fan of BTS! Wasn’t expecting to meet a fellow ARMY on here haha! Yes his speech did leave a lot for everyone to think about including myself. I’ve gone through a similar situation to you so I understand most of what you’ve been through. Maybe that’s why we’ve ended up blogging instead of speaking about it haha! πŸ™‚

      • I am also very glad to meet an ARMY here πŸ™‚
        It’s lovely to meet you. And you can’t guess how happy I am.
        I think BTS lyrics in general are very thought provoking and the way the boys live their life and follow their passion is a source of inspiration for all of us.
        True. Blogging let’s us share more thoughts with the world than conversations (at least for me).

  6. It’s also very lovely to meet you too! πŸ™‚
    Yes I agree with you, the boys are really enjoying what they are doing right now and it’s super inspirational to see. I really want to go to one of their concerts!
    Your ability to share your emotions through your posts can really help an introvert like me explain some tricky situations with other people.
    I look forward to your future posts! Have a good day πŸ™‚

    Reply
    • Same here. Have never attended a concert of their. But doing that is one of my life goals πŸ™‚ I hope one day we get to see them perform live.
      Really glad that you like my work and find it relatable. Means a lot dear πŸ™‚ Thank you πŸ™‚
      You too have an awesome day πŸ™‚

      Reply

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