“What I Remember (11)” – Nayana Nair

beauty may be only skin deep
but lack of it goes deeper than that.
so deep
that you end up learning to want things
that you wouldn’t otherwise even think about.
i wish i could remember every face
that was surprised to know
that i am okay with looking older than i am,
surprised that i do not want to exorcise fats
especially when i have got so much of it.
every morning i wake up
they hover over me like faceless shadows
with black markers, drawing over my body
showing me all that is wrong,
giving me tips so that i can become easy to look at,
hiding their superficiality under the wraps of concern,
whispering how thick-skinned i am when i don’t listen
and wondering what is wrong with the ones who love me.
it made me wonder
that maybe going under the knife
wouldn’t be as bad as being smeared black by markers.
that maybe i am supposed to love myself
only after the world approves of the ‘me’ that i want to love.
i would have understood if they cared,
if they actually meant good,
but they don’t
because they know nothing more than my name
and they say my name only with heart-breaking adjectives and assumptions.
i want to say they are wrong,
but i have suffered their gaze for so long
that sometimes i end up sharing their hatred of me, of what they see.
there are days that i obsess over a passing comment.
there are days i beat up myself for being like this.
i starve and fail,
i try to get over their words and fail,
i try to hate myself and fail.
i want to say it doesn’t matter
but it does
because i am tiring myself out
by trying to see something good in me,
by apologizing to myself,
by trying to save my heart
while they burn my body in the woods.

16 Comments

  1. It’s shameful how people looking for perfection can make us feel less than if we don’t meet their expectations. The black markers can be just as bad as the knife.
    Well done Nayana.

    1. I agree. People knowingly or unknowingly put down other people who do not conform to some set definition of beauty and treat them in a way that can have long term effect on how they see themselves. It worries me especially when I see kids who are growing up bullying each other for how they look. (The black markers in such cases may never fade away.)
      I am really glad that you liked my work 🙂 Thank you so much 🙂

  2. good one….everyone is unique….and there is no perfect definition of perfection….what we feel as perfect figure, colour or the character….may not be always perfect….people should understand that….the soul inside has no shape….and that beauty matters….

    1. I agree. One should not put up such standards that pressurize people to become something that they are not and make them uncomfortable with themselves for not being something that the world wants.
      Glad you liked my poem 🙂
      Thank you so much 🙂

    1. I am glad that you enjoy reading my work. I can’t thank you enough for your words of motivation. Means a lot dear to know that my words are capable of doing something like that.
      Thanks a lot dear 🙂

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s