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“What I Remember (11)” – Nayana Nair

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beauty may be only skin deep
but lack of it goes deeper than that.
so deep
that you end up learning to want things
that you wouldn’t otherwise even think about.
i wish i could remember every face
that was surprised to know
that i am okay with looking older than i am,
surprised that i do not want to exorcise fats
especially when i have got so much of it.
every morning i wake up
they hover over me like faceless shadows
with black markers, drawing over my body
showing me all that is wrong,
giving me tips so that i can become easy to look at,
hiding their superficiality under the wraps of concern,
whispering how thick-skinned i am when i don’t listen
and wondering what is wrong with the ones who love me.
it made me wonder
that maybe going under the knife
wouldn’t be as bad as being smeared black by markers.
that maybe i am supposed to love myself
only after the world approves of the ‘me’ that i want to love.
i would have understood if they cared,
if they actually meant good,
but they don’t
because they know nothing more than my name
and they say my name only with heart-breaking adjectives and assumptions.
i want to say they are wrong,
but i have suffered their gaze for so long
that sometimes i end up sharing their hatred of me, of what they see.
there are days that i obsess over a passing comment.
there are days i beat up myself for being like this.
i starve and fail,
i try to get over their words and fail,
i try to hate myself and fail.
i want to say it doesn’t matter
but it does
because i am tiring myself out
by trying to see something good in me,
by apologizing to myself,
by trying to save my heart
while they burn my body in the woods.

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

16 responses »

  1. It’s shameful how people looking for perfection can make us feel less than if we don’t meet their expectations. The black markers can be just as bad as the knife.
    Well done Nayana.

    Reply
    • I agree. People knowingly or unknowingly put down other people who do not conform to some set definition of beauty and treat them in a way that can have long term effect on how they see themselves. It worries me especially when I see kids who are growing up bullying each other for how they look. (The black markers in such cases may never fade away.)
      I am really glad that you liked my work 🙂 Thank you so much 🙂

      Reply
  2. good one….everyone is unique….and there is no perfect definition of perfection….what we feel as perfect figure, colour or the character….may not be always perfect….people should understand that….the soul inside has no shape….and that beauty matters….

    Reply
  3. It is amazing how you delve in to the deeper layers of these emotions and bring out these sad truths.

    Reply
  4. 💫✨💫✨💫✨💫

    Reply
  5. So so powerful..those black markers are so prevalent..the impulse to erase is shocking horrifying soul destroying..beautifully articulated Nayana. 🌷

    Reply

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