“I didn’t mean it” – Nayana Nair

I did mean it all,
I just didn’t want you to know.
My momentary courage-
the result of my long sleepless nights,
let’s agree to call it my foolishness.
For I won’t do anything as preposterous as that ever again.
I won’t expect much from you again,
not because I was at wrong.

Even though it was the only thing I could do,
I regret it so much.
I hate myself for trying to believe in you,
for pushing myself to do the right thing
for your sake.

As always you eat fast and cut me off.
As always you have somewhere to go.
There are too many people whom you must keep happy.
Today I won’t throw everything on my plate for you.
I won’t come to door to see your cold back.

I wish I could go back to the dreams
where I told you about my life, about my pain
and you held me as I cried,
where you took me to the doors of my new life.
But instead all I see in every face is your face.
In your face all I see is my pathetic self
who wanted to lean on someone like you.

21 Comments

  1. joyroses13 says:

    Well written but so sad! Especially the last stanza. We all need a chance to be held while we cry.

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Really glad that you liked it ๐Ÿ˜Š
      Thank you so much ๐Ÿ˜Š
      It would have been nice if no one ever had to cry alone.

      1. joyroses13 says:

        You are so welcome and yes it would be for sure!

  2. Shivani. says:

    ‘…As always you have somewhere to go. There are too many people whom you must keep happy…’

    Yes that’s true.
    We end up making someone our priority when all they do is treat us as an option.

    Nayana, this is so heartfelt. You express the emotions so amazingly!
    Awestruck by your writing!

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      When we treasure a person for who they are and put all our heart into a relation and all they do is prove everyday that we are replaceable and not needed, it hurts because it is unfair, because we are the only one who ends up suffering.
      I am really glad that you liked this poem ๐Ÿ˜Š really grateful for these kind words and the opinion you have for my writing. Means a lot.
      Thank you so much dear ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

      1. Shivani. says:

        Yes it hurts tremendously.
        Hope that you stay put and stay strong, it’ll be okay.
        Take care Nayana!๐Ÿค—

      2. Nayana Nair says:

        You take care dear ๐Ÿ˜Š

  3. Hรฉlรจne - Willow Poetry says:

    Your poem is superb. The raw emotion is felt throughout, the sadness of being left alone.

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Glad that you liked it ๐Ÿ˜Š
      Thanks a lot ๐Ÿ˜Š

      1. Hรฉlรจne - Willow Poetry says:

        My pleasure.

  4. Riyyayy says:

    This is so good

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Thank you ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜

      1. Riyyayy says:

        Welcome ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Raj Krishna says:

    I always feel that you can see my life…I don’t why??

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Maybe we have too many things in common or at least similar perspective towards life ๐Ÿ˜Š
      That could be a reason.
      But I am really glad that you could relate to what I write. Means a lot ๐Ÿ˜Š
      Thank you ๐Ÿ˜

      1. Raj Krishna says:

        Alter ego..right?

      2. Nayana Nair says:

        Maybe. Or I think it could be that if we remove the specifics and the reasons, we all feel or react to life in similar way. So in essence at some point we are bound to feel connected to other person, the same way we find people who have similar tastes, similar beliefs as ours. ๐Ÿ™‚

      3. Raj Krishna says:

        It makes sense. Infact rationalism and emotions are actually universal in nature. It’s like we all are same, and under same circumstances, real or imagined, we all act in the same way.

  6. Muntazir says:

    The poignancy is deep. It really hurts when our feelings are not requited. Being ignored is the worst.

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      I agree, to give away everything in name of love or friendship and not to be even considered worthy of glance, is one of the sadness that we face at some time in our life. I wish we didn’t though. ๐Ÿ™‚
      Really glad that you liked my poem ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

      1. Muntazir says:

        The pleasure is absolutely mine.

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