“Ending the Blue Days” – Nayana Nair

as i walk among all that should be ruins, i feel humbled. i feel stupid to think that these small sorrows of mine are something that could end this world.

i find another overused word on my lips again – promises. they remind me of promises. they remind of having something more important than ones own life. what does it even feel like to have something like that? do i even want to know?

i wonder who dreamed of a place like this, where all the birds seem to be running away from same things as me.

here, maybe here, i could forget all that i shouldn’t forget. here, maybe here is where my endless toil, my yearning meant to take me. this is good place to end, to kill my love for this world, to kill the hate i have for myself.

10 Comments

    1. I think in my case the main reason for the hate towards myself are the high expectation I have from myself and then how the I take the views and comments about myself too seriously.
      Though I can work on the first part, by trying to realize and accept my limitations, by trying to accept that everyone makes mistakes.
      But it is the second reason that I struggle with most. What I am to the world? How people perceive me? When I am being overly criticized for what I am by this world, by the people I love, I can’t help but hate myself for not being enough. The thing is it is my love for all these people that makes me hate myself more for being not being good enough for them. That’s why sometimes it feels that the only way to end this self-hate is to stop trying trying to be a better daughter, a better friend, a better employee or a better person to love.
      I am not sure if I am making much sense right now. But yeah that’s what I meant by “to kill the love for this world, to kill the hate i have for myself”.
      So although acceptance and forgiveness works well to solve the hatred caused by my own high expectations, but it doesn’t help that much when I am obsessed with what others think of me and when the others that I talk about are not just people I can ignore, but maybe the most important people in my life, who may never accept me for what I am, who may never understand me.

      1. Hey, Nayana, wish I could help you more, but I’m no shrink, I can only give you friendly advice. More important than being a better __________ (fill in the blanks) to others, be a better you for yourself! The world will sort itself out and the expectations it has of you, if you’re clear where you stand with yourself. Chin up, N, don’t self flagellate so much! Cheers & God bless!

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