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“What I Remember (13)” – Nayana Nair

i did all that i must do
and now no one asks me what’s next.
thankfully,
no one burdens me with with their dreams anymore.
i am no longer a possible candidate for the worst,
for taking over the misfortune of my mother’s life.
i no longer have to worry about hurting my parents by
being like them or living like them.
thankfully,
what bothers me, what eats me up
is nothing that would keep anyone else awake
and that is important.

in spite of this emptiness i write about
and this loneliness that seems bigger than this world,
all this do not stop me
from laughing at jokes, craving for food that i shouldn’t eat,
dreaming of another broken love with my only lover,
from having a good time – that i will conveniently forget.
nothing i cry about, no ailing that lives in me
is too large to stop me from living.

i guess i carry an instability in my genes.
if my eyes are in the color of sadness,
i guess i got it from my parents.
and they are lovely people who somehow raised me right
in spite of having a tendency to mess up things
and their sadness with life.

tomorrow i will probably hate them frequently again
but they will nag at me when i reach home drenched in rain,
will tell me sit straight and force me to eat what will keep me alive,
will ask me to keep my phone down,
and sleep a little bit more.

they will not ask what’s wrong and that will disappoint me,
but they will let me do what i want to do (sometimes)
and they will try their best not to wrong me.
they will wish for my happiness,
even if they have no idea what makes me happy
and that is important.

because though i lived my extended teenage
believing that i had no one,
but it was not true.
i saw no one
and it is my fault.
even when i thought i was not loved
they have loved me silently.
though it was a tiring love,
it knew no end.

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

19 responses »

  1. Good to see a positive note

    Reply
  2. wow this resonates so so much.. Often our parents love us but not in the way we need and somehow we ‘miss’ each other… My Mum died recently but we had times of connection amidst great disconnection. I think this is a wonderful poem.

    Reply
    • I agree with you. Sometimes we expect so much from our parents that we forget that they are humans as well, that they are doing their best with whatever limitations they have. We often end up taking their love for granted and in worst case not even acknowledging that love. But irrespective of the differences that we have with our parents, they try to be our support in their own ways.
      I am sorry for your loss. I am glad you have those times to serve as a comfort for your heart.
      Really glad that you liked my work 🙂 Thank you so much 🙂

      Reply
  3. Such honest and deeply felt writing. Beautiful.

    Reply
  4. There are times when we feel disconcerted with life but we recover that feeling by looking inside ourselves. Parents love us in their own way and sometimes they do not agree with what we want. Your reflection is the most sincere and allows us to think about it. It’s good how you describe your feelings. I enjoy reading you.

    Reply
  5. Inner feelings so beautifully expressed!

    Reply
  6. It’s fascinating to see how apparently well you have put your parents in perspective. I don’t know your parents, of course, but the poem has the “ring of truth” to it. For instance, the way parents so very often don’t see some very key things about us, yet love us almost selflessly.

    Also, I love how detailed the poem is.

    Reply
  7. This is really pretty. You are a very insightful person, your profound thoughts and views on life make your writing easy to relate to, and easy to appreciate. It is harder being a parent than most of us know, until we become one. We all do the best that we can do, using what we know, and what we think we know. The trick seems to be in learning from mistakes, and being flexible enough to change direction when it’s the right thing to do.

    Reply
    • I agree with you. People do not become all knowing and perfect just because they become parents. But in spite of that they try their best to raise their kids well with as much love as they can show (but there are some weird cases where it doesn’t apply…all things I see on news 😦 )
      I am really glad that you liked my work 🙂
      Thank you so much 🙂

      Reply
  8. I see both confusion and searching being expressed in this work, nicely constructed 🙂

    Reply

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