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“What I Remember (14)” – Nayana Nair

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hiding my smile when you walk towards me
talking your name, just because i can
(just to make sure that i can).
feeling like a child when you call my name back.
interrupting the meaningful silence
with pointless debates,
pretending to sulk, acting cute,
being happy to act like idiots for once.
wasting away time,
walking towards nowhere
because that is what we do.

painting each other again
till we get it right.
loving in every way possible.
trying to become the love
that cannot be forgotten.
sweet words, sad past,
family tree in red ink,
lost friends, lost innocence
fill our time.
reliving the past that we suffered alone
in each other’s presence.
finding meaning in destiny,
agreeing with god’s plan,
begging for a day more
of this, this happiness
that fills us with dread and hope
of being understood.

waking at midnight,
hiding my body that you have killed for the day.
waking at noon,
looking for you, giving you second chances.
getting back only one word reply-
‘hi’,’ok’, ‘hmmm’, ‘lol’,’k’, ‘bye’.
waking up again and again.
going to sleep again and again.
murmuring your bitter name in my sleep
with tears i won’t remember.

silence – avoiding uncomfortable topics
silence – avoiding fights
silence – nursing wounded ego
silence – planning revenge (or something of that sort)
silence – being handed the list of shortcomings
silence – being handed ultimatums
silence – having nothing to talk
silence – feeling lonely
silence – ‘love’ has left the chat

waiting at cafes
that sell drinks which taste
like the mass-produced dreams
that make your heart burn
and everything with chocolate
as a cheap therapy,
as they play breakup songs on repeat
to normalize the pain of every kind.

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

20 responses »

  1. I honestly wasn’t expecting the end to pan out this way!

  2. You pour out your emotions so well! ❤

  3. I enjoyed your work today and I enjoyed this poem. Amazing flow of thoughts made me believe every word.

  4. Reblogged this on johncoyote and commented:
    Please enjoy the work of a talented writer.

  5. Interesting. This is one of the best crafted love poems I’ve read in ages, Nayana. It is also a fairly fresh take on the ancient issues with romantic love. And a moving one.

    It’s rare, I think, for someone to see in the same breath “both sides” of the situation. And yet, the most common thing in the world is for something that begins as true love to turn first to possessiveness, then to dependency, and in the process turn from something of beauty into something ugly and painful. Do you have any thoughts about why that happens?

    It’s so curious to me people are never taught in schools around the time they reach puberty how to avoid some of the traps and dangers of their new-to-them feelings. So curious. We teach people sports and how to drive cars. At least we do that.

    You mention the “hope of being understood”. I am very curious about that too. May I ask if you think or feel you have ever been understood by a lover?

    Your poem raises so many questions! Very well done, I’d say. Thank you for encouraging me to read it, Nayana. Well worth me time.

    • I think it is easy to like someone when you do not know them. But to love someone while knowing all their shortcomings and knowing how much pain they have caused you or have the potential to cause you is really difficult.
      The beginnings of a relationship for most are filled with that feeling of liking where we do not actually know that person, it is just what we see and what we want to see that makes us love the other person. And mostly the image is bound to shatter at some point. At some point we are bound to take each other for granted and behave less carefully. The reason for the most uttered complain -“you have changed”.
      The extent up to which this conflict can go differs from people to people, depending on their nature. So it could go to extreme for some people and for others it may be just small differences in opinion.

      For me, I am really stubborn person. I have the list of ideal way a person is supposed to behave and live. And most of the time they do not. I have natural mistrust for everyone. So it hurts more when the hurt comes from person you let your guard down for (I think that is the case with everyone else as well). And though I may know that it is my impossible ideal case scenarios and my wait for them that makes it hard for me to accept the other person and the reality, I cannot drop them because they are part of who I am. The compromises you make with your ideal for the sake of love, have the potential to eat you up from within.
      Instead of saying, that I have been never understood by this significant person. It would be better to say that this person also some expectations from me and cannot see me or understand me because of this. And over that I am not really very open person, I think I do not want to be understood as well. So my constant effort of hiding can frustrate a person especially when that person is taking an effort to understand.
      I think such situation are different for everyone. And there is no guide that tells you how to handle it all. We just hold on till we can. We give up when it is all too much for us.
      I agree with you that it is not something that is taught to young people in school like many other things that needs to be taught as well like how to love and accept yourself, how to handle difference, the ethics by which one must live. It is not only from a perspective of a romantic relationship but also for our own mental well being, our relationship with this world and our role here in this world, that we need them. But it is difficult to include them into a curriculum, as I do not think parents or teachers will be that thrilled with this idea. Our society refuses to acknowledge the elephant in the room. And also because student think of such things as preaching. They do themselves are not ready to really understand such things.
      For example, I was watching “Mr. Hiiragi’s Homeroom” (it is a nice series about a teacher who gets bit extreme in his teaching, but it is really nice) and me and my sister began talking about how we had a subject called “moral science” in school. It taught all kind of stuff like how we should be hard working, respect others, take responsibility of our actions. But even though we had dedicated class and textbooks for that, it never made any difference to the student, they just continued to act the way they always do, without taking in anything that was taught.
      As there is a saying, “You cannot force someone to see the truth, you can only for them to realize it themselves”.

  6. That was so unique and well expressed


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