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“Change Me” – Nayana Nair

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the doors, the light falling on us,
the grass that grew by the roads that we walked,
the flowers in our backyard,
you changed everything.
you filled everything with so much light
and drew every object around you
with such intense colors
that I had to love you.

but you could not change me.

my heart stirred in its sleep
but never wanted to wake up and decide.
i am not dragging you down for what happened.
i am not saying that you were enough.

i am saying that it was your benevolence-

how you never tried to take this fabric of my skin
and sew it something that would fit you,

how you remained the wide blue sky
and how i remained a small disappearing brook,

how my heart felt small to even hold an essence of you,
how i feared to lose you,

how i wanted to lose you for once,
to be free from this fear

that is what drove us apart.

some days i wished for you to fall into me,
to make me something more than i am.
some days i wished i never met you,
never became aware with how small i am.

About Nayana Nair

Hi, I am Nayana Nair. I'm 25. Just a crazy girl who has tons of things to talk about....not much organized thoughts sadly. I like to talk about everything...mostly..every conversation of mine turns into a monologue.... So I decided I should start writing a blog..rather than chat.... I'm very much passionate about music, psychology and literature.... Moderate interest in science..... I always want to be a writer (and also a teacher)..But I don't think I have the skills required...this blog is just my attempt at becoming the writer I always wanted to be...Blogging for few years, I have realized I am more of a poet (although, I am not sure that I am good enough for that label)...I hope I realize more about myself through writing. Thanks for dropping by!! Hope I didn't disappoint. :)

14 responses »

  1. blindzanygirl

    Your Blog is wonderful. I am just trying to find my way round it because I am blind. I just read one of your poems and I would say you are a good poet. Hope you achieve your dreams 😊

  2. This is a great piece of writing that I discovered by accident. Well done, loved it 🙂

  3. Beautifully written and beautifully structured. Brilliant piece.

  4. This poem speaks to the relationship I had with my first husband, the absolute love of my life. I kept making him bigger in my life, while who I was slowly disappeared. The book I am writing with the help of award-winning Author, Kecia Bal, is about how small I was made to feel due to his adulterous affair. Though I am never happy to hear or see that my fellow sisters have had broken hearts as well, I am always thrilled to be able to have others with whom I can relate. Thank you for sharing your heart.

    • Had read few posts on your blog about your book. It was really interesting how you have tried to see the relationship or bonds between women and how they also get broken due to such situations. I really appreciated the thought.
      I can totally understand what you are saying. Though we feel that we are not alone in all this, but we also feel sad that someone had to go through all this as well. So glad and sad that you could relate. 🙂
      Really glad that you liked my work 🙂
      Thank you much 🙂

  5. ‘ my heart felt small to even hold an essence of you,
    how i feared to lose you,
    how i wanted to lose you for once, 
    to be free from this fear..’

    I’ve faced something similar and you’ve described that feeling so magnificently.
    Brilliant piece of writing Nayana!

    • Glad you liked my poem and found it relatable. Though it is sad that you had to go through this.
      Thank you so much dear for such kind words 🙂 Means a lot.

  6. I have always been confused a little in this topic. When we are attracted to someone and fall in love surely it is because that what we see, feel and experience makes us happy. Why would you then want to try and change those things in a relationship?

    • I am not sure whether I can explain it well enough. But I will give it a try anyway.

      I think there are many cases for this. I will try to put forth the ones that are coming to my mind right now.

      Sometimes what we want and what we are comfortable with are two different things. For example, one might be attracted to person because of their outgoing and friendly personality. But that same person may also be really possessive by nature. So though it might be their their outgoing personality that you liked, but once you are in a relationship, you may not be pleased if they are always hanging around with their friends, you might feel they are not giving you enoguh time. It is not the nature of the object of your affection that changes. It is just that our needs, our expectations and our insecurities end up having a lot of say in the relationship, rather than affection or admiration towards other person that once used to be our priority.

      Another case could be when you were not in relationship with the person you love, you could love them for what they are. But once they are tied to you in a relationship, once you are with this person who is someone so perfect in your eyes, you begin to question if you have any right to be with them. Self-critical people especially, who see so much fault in themselves, they begin to wonder why this person would choose them. It is the idolization of your partner that makes you more aware of your own lacking. Society also affects a person in such scenarios. I have seen people pass comment on some couple saying, that this girl looks so good, why did he have to settle for this guy who is not at all good looking. (Swap the gender in the sentence if you need). Imagine how the person must feel if they overheard it.
      In this case you would either have to try to become good enough for your partner(whatever that means). Or start wishing they were not this perfect that it is making you suffer.

      Opposite may attract, but for opposites to co-exist, it takes lot of hard work and comrpomise.(There are exceptions though 🙂 )

      One might say that this is not how love is supposed to be and I agree. But I have seen so many couples who are like this. And one of them ultimately gives up being themselves for the sake of the relationship, which I think is really really sad.

      I hope I made some sense. 🙂


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