“What I Remember (17)” – Nayana Nair

those who spent their lives
wrecking their hands to mould me into something better,
tried fruitlessly
to break me without pain,
to break me and make me into something
that would be accepted by this world.
they showered me with love
so i won’t know, won’t remember
how much it pained me or how much it hurt them
to have gifted me
this painful self-critical view of myself and this world.

while they are growing old, weak and distant
my love for them looks like a failed seed
that never grew nor flowered.
the years that i spent with them
has made me ungrateful.
i have become the fish that never thanked the water
that kept it alive,
thinking that is what water is meant to do.

with time
as a fail to become what i thought i am,
as i realize that doing or even knowing the right thing to do
becomes more impossible as you get to know this world,
i begin to understand the enormous love they must have had for me
to hold my hand and walk with me in a world
that they had never seen
only for my sake,
knowing that their courage and their tears
are destined to be forgotten (or worse- questioned).

and my love?
my love,
it grows in opposite direction of sun,
my love for them grows into the soil my heart
in a world where they won’t see and won’t know.
i will remain cruel and indifferent even in my own eyes.
so i hide my muddled feelings
and walk around those
who have made me what i am
whatever that may be.


  1. blindzanygirl says:

    This feels so sad Nyana. I love that you express your feelings so well. Your writing is so good because it is true and honest. Great poem 😊

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Thank you so much dear for your kind words πŸ™‚
      Really glad that you liked my poem πŸ™‚ Means a lot πŸ™‚
      Have an awesome day πŸ™‚

  2. I could easily write a thousand words telling you how I like this poem, Nayana. For one thing, it is so chocked full of insights. And I especially love the metaphor of your love growing into the soil of your heart, rather than towards the sun. Wow! Such a great poem.

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Means a lot that you noticed that line.
      Really glad that you like my work and have a good opinion about it. Makes me want to work harder when I hear that.
      Thank you so much πŸ™‚
      (P.S. Will be writing to you soon. Have been preoccupied with too many stuff πŸ™‚ Sorry for my late responses : ) )

  3. Muntazir says:

    This is a poignant read. Very well penned.

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Thank you πŸ™‚ Glad you liked it πŸ™‚

  4. smilecalm says:

    i sometimes
    feel like
    myself πŸ™‚

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Glad you found it relatable πŸ™‚
      Thank you πŸ™‚

  5. There is a nice flow in this, your rejection rather than the rejection of those you perceive would like to change you. Suppose that the ‘you’ does not really exist and that all we are is the sum of our emotions at any one time. Then if those emotions are nothing but a series of complex chemical changes how do we define the thoughts we believe are the inner ‘you’. I raised this for myself today, when one talks of being called, of an inner voice, how do I know it is actually there. Very nice writing, your writing usually leaves me with interesting puzzles πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      This question of what ‘you’ or ‘I’ is really fascinating one indeed.
      I once saw this on television, on some talk about spirituality, they were discussing what the soul is. There this person was saying that when we talk we say things like “my hand”, “my body”, “my eyes”. My obviously is a possessive pronoun. It shows that this hand, body etc belong to someone called ‘me’. But we for a majority of our life believe that this ‘me’ is our brain, heart or even sum of our emotions as you pointed out. But the thing is even we talk of them in the same sense “my brain”, “my heart”, my emotions”….they are again not ‘me’, but something that belongs to ‘me’. (I think by that reasoning ‘my consciousness’ also gets ruled out of being a possible candidate for ‘me’)
      So in short this ‘you’ or ‘me’ we talk about is something we can’t correctly pinpoint. There are various different debate and discussions that I have read about that even if they use a different hypothesis, end up with the conclusion that this ‘me’ or ‘you’ we talk about is really hard to describe.
      So instead of investigating what this ‘me’ is, it is easier to settle down with a temporary answer which may not be that accurate. The answer that this soul that owns everything we have, is the small difference between between living things and non-living things.
      There is so much to say on this topic. But as I said, it is a never ending interesting discussion.
      This is not the entirety of what I believe with respect to this question, but one of the things that kind of convinced me, but to discuss rest of the thousands of other statements/ideas that also convinced me (some of them contradicting this statement as well) would be really difficult.
      I am glad that you liked my work πŸ™‚
      Thank you so much πŸ™‚

    2. Nayana and David, watching you two discuss something is so very often like watching a couple of Olympic athletes run a quarter mile for the fun of it. You two are brilliant and bring out the best in each other.

      As you might have noticed, I view reading conversations like going to the movies.

      1. Nayana Nair says:

        He he πŸ™‚
        David does have really interesting views on topics related to which I write, which are so fun to discuss. But I am not so sure if what I write makes much sense, but I do try my best.
        Glad that you enjoyed reading them. πŸ˜€

  6. “my love for them looks like a failed seed that never grew nor flowered” so much emotion and so powerful. Great poem and very raw and honest

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Really glad you liked my poem πŸ™‚
      Thank you for your kind words πŸ™‚

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