“The Scale of 1 to 10 (part 1)” – Nayana Nair

#the feelings that I can’t own

The nature of regrets that I have in my heart, the flowers that grow at the end of this knife, the watches that have run out of battery but pretend to have stopped time. I have so much space in me for things like these. I have so many curiosities that I can put up a shop with no intention to sell.

     I don't like my mind right now
     Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
     Wish that I could slow things down
     I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
     - "Heavy", Linkin Park
     Distant lies - shallow dreams, confused ideas 
     Once our hopes - now they anchor all our fears 
     -"Lie", Arco
     Just by being next to you
     I was happy
     Don’t take even that truth
     And make it into a bad memory
     -"Last Goodbye", Akdong Musician

I have sketches of you, a face for every day that you have shared with me. I wonder if you would walk into this shop with another beloved of yours. Would she buy them all? Would you let me sell it to her?

     I loved you a lot
     Even if you say otherwise
     I didn’t want things to end this easily
     -"Go Away", Yong Jun Hyung
     But the thing that we all learned at some point was how
     To step on someone, to catch them, to erase them, to hate them
     -"Life", RM

This is not a post-you fear and post-abandonment feelings. I think I have felt that with you all along. Something about us, the way everything about us was a secret of sorts – you only told stories that I could never repeat.

     And I cried for you
     Like a widow cries at her lover’s grave
     You haunted me through my stinging nights
     And aching days
     - "Divers & Submarines", Passenger

I knew this all along.
I knew all your lacks, and I knew how you would give up on me rather than give up on all parts of you that stand between us.
I knew it, but I wanted to be wrong, just this once.

     Well I clung to you
     Like cat hair clings to a woollen shirt
     You needed me, like a wedding dress needs dirt
     -"Divers & Submarines", Passenger
     I bet you know just what you're doing
     You're not the type that's used to losing
     First, you build me up, then with just a touch
     Leave me here in ruins
     -"Dazed and Confused", Ruel

I hid from you all the parts of me, that could suffocate you – my love, my possessiveness, my confusion, my fear, my irrational suspicions created by most rational observations, my objections, my complaints, my hurt.

     We wanna be right
     But always wrong
     Were we born to be wrong?
     Is life something like that?
     We tryna be bright
     But always dark
     We still don’t know if we’ve lived to the extent that we can
     -"Life", RM

But now, when I no longer have the obligation to hide anymore.
I end up lying, trying to protect you from the harsh words of this world, making everyone believe that you were lovable even when you were not. It would break my remaining heart for you to be hated, even when you deserve to be hated.

     What happens if I open my eyes, my eyes?
     Will I ever get my head right, head right?
     -"Dazed and Confused", Ruel
     I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
     If I just let go, I'd be set free
     -"Heavy", Linkin Park 
     Until the time that we die perfectly we can’t protect everything
     -"Life", RM
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  1. blindzanygirl says:

    So many insightful things here Nayana. So much sadness too. But ot f sitivvi

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      Thank you so much dear 🙂 I am glad that you liked it 🙂

  2. Lots of sadness, lack, and feelings of unworthiness leaps out amid these sentences..

    I would like you to think about turning this around on a scale of one to ten of all the Blessings and things of gratitude you have in your world, and those who bring you happy thoughts…

    The Quote.. ” I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down
    If I just let go, I’d be set free”
    -“Heavy”, Linkin Park

    So many people drag these emotions along with them.. And I know you are trying to show others that if we JUST LET GO, we would be FREE…

    It took me many years in letting go of certain emotions, we all have them and we are all upon our own individual journey of discovery…

    I hope you can help others understand as you too are understanding the purpose of yours Nayana…

    Much love ❤

    1. Nayana Nair says:

      I agree that even these adversities and conflicting emotions could be a blessing, it all depends on how we see it. It definitely takes time (sometimes a lot of time) before we can free ourselves from these feelings and from people who are not good for us, takes time to see the past as past. But the key is not to think of such bad phase of our life as the end of life itself, and to keep working hard to regain a sense of balance, a stability of sorts.
      Even when I say this, I know that there are people for whom this suffering must be too overhwhelming, who may not neessaily have a light at the end of tunnel. But even in that case, I would hope that they somehow make it through.
      So thankful for your words of support and understanding. Really glad that you liked my work 🙂
      Lots of love ❤
      Have an awesome day dear 🙂

      1. You are wise and full of wisdom… Sometimes too we need to reach rock bottom in order for us to see there is only one way back up…
        After a nervous breakdown myself, I know only too well the feelings of being alone and depressed.. That happened way back in the 90’s for me… But it was a necessary part of the plan the universe had for me.. In hindsight it put me in a better place of understanding myself and others.. And it changed a juncture in a road that set me on a new path… One I am now thankful for..
        So we can never judge why it is some suffer while others do not.. We never can fully grasp the journey we choose until we take it and look back, releasing the past to live in the now…
        Many thanks for your in-depth reply.. Enjoy your weekend Nayana.. ❤ much love

      2. Nayana Nair says:

        I think grief has done the same to me as you. I think in many ways I have become a better person (not better than other, just better than what I was) due to the difficult times I suffered. I admire you having made through all of it, must have been really difficult and keeping the brightest part of you intact.
        Have an awesome weekend dear 🙂
        Love ❤

      3. Thank you I had the support of my immediate family and friends which helped me pull myself back up again..
        Finding ourselves means sometimes we lose ourselves first.. And I am delighted too, you also found that higher self.. All she needed was for you to show her compassion and love..

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