“What I Remember (20)” – Nayana Nair

I am told I am not wise,
that I do not have the intellect
that could make anyone swoon over me.
I try too hard, put too much effort
to be considered worth protecting.
I rank even lower on the stats of beauty.
I know that since I have found discarded papers
written by boys-who-will-always-be-boys
who document my plummeting desirability religiously.
But since I am not the type to conform
(tsk tsk…so many vices)
I cannot help but choose to take on the role
of the bitter girl
and judge in my mind everyone
who cruelly prosecutes me in jokes and harmless fun in my absence,
but are kind enough to leave behind enough clues
for me to figure out where I must stand in this world.

It has become my habit to consider them desperate,
manipulative and not worth my time or attention.
I know now, how to look down on everyone who looks down on me.
It’s a wonderful feeling really.
To feel like a flawed monster with some control.
To be free from the want to be understood by the “cool” people.
To stop expecting for things to change.
I have enough paranoia and enough stubbornness
to last this lifetime.
I have enough reasons to hate passionately all those who hate me.
I may know too less about life,
I may underestimate the phrase “but-tomorrow-you-might-need-them”
but I cannot turn my other cheek
and I cannot let myself want to be a friends/minion of theirs.
My heart may be dissolving in my own acidic hate for this world
But at least I know I took on my own side in all my fights.
I may not expect much from world, but expect a lot from myself.
This is the bare minimum I can do
to preserve myself in this world that changes everyone in the name of fun.

17 Comments

    1. Totally agree with you dear. People are very irresponsible with their words and actions. They do not even remember who all they have hurt. We should not let our lives be ruined by their thoughtlessness. As you said we should never forget our worth because of such meanness.
      Really glad that you liked my work πŸ™‚
      Thank you πŸ™‚ πŸ˜€

  1. You be the bitter girl. I’ll be the bitter boy.
    We will despise. No compromise
    Assumptions we’ll destroy
    For we are underrated. Educated. First in line
    They didn’t dance. So missed their chance
    There will be no next time.

    1. I have also wondered that a lot. Being nice to each other should be so much simpler than being mean, which takes so much effort and time. Cannot understand why people spend so much of their energy into belittling others. Sometimes I wonder if they think that the only way to feel superior and confident is by oppressing someone else. What’s more sad is that this state of things is something that we have accepted as normal.
      I wish someday we won’t have to write about such stuff though. πŸ˜€

      1. I think I read somewhere that it actually does take more energy to be mean, but I can’t be sure. Anyway, I think it has a lot to do with how the mean person feels inside and stuff like that. have a good day and keep writing πŸ™‚

    1. True. I wish the same dear.
      Let’s hope some day we won’t have to write about such stuff and not have to get frustrated by the cruel way this world works.
      Glad you liked my work. Thank you πŸ™‚

      1. I feel so fortunate, Nayana, for the good people in my life — both online and off — very much including you. Some long time ago, there were so few good people in my life. Those were not happy years.

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