“this service is no longer available for you” – Nayana Nair

i sat on the sofa
with my feet curled under the warmth of my wings
while next to me, my sadness surfed channels
and forced me to watch things
that could make me cry
but they didn’t.

someone has left the door open again
but i can’t be bothered today
with calling out to anyone.
i hear someone talking about
“…deserving to be lonely…”
and my world, for a change,
doesn’t budge, doesn’t break.

when the questions try to
make a story from my wounds,
i shed a feather or two
and pretend that it hurts
to speak of my loss.
but it doesn’t really.

i have dreaded reaching this point,
where being left
becomes just a change in schedule.
but now that i am here,
now that i have nothing else to wait for,
all that i am allowed to do is
forget all my excuses, all my reasons,
forget all the names.
because unlike me
this world has a bright future to dream of.

11 Comments

  1. ahhhhh u pain me naya u r thaaat good at reaching the doors of my heart. gaaahhhh

    “i hear someone talking about deserving to be lonely but for a change, my world doesn’t budge, don’t break…” i mean….

  2. Hey. I’ve taken the time to read these words a few times before writing this, just to make sure that I fully grasped it. I have an ex girlfriend, who means the world to me, and who has friends like yours who would tell her that she “deserves to be alone.” These same people told me personally that “no one cares if I die,” and “the world would be a better place without me in it,” and that they “hope my next suicide attempt will be successful.” All of this just because I left her, even though I left her with every opportunity to put things right between us. It’s painful to see that your story is so similarly parallel to hers, but I want you to know something that I never got to tell her. You’re using the word ”friends” far more generously than these people deserve. You deserve better than them, and you do NOT deserve to be alone. No one does. Friends should lift you up when you are down, not push you deeper into whatever pain you’re in. They are the ones who don’t deserve your companionship, and please don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

    1. I am sad to know your ex and you got to hear only mean words from your friends at such delicate point in your relationship, a point where their support was really needed. (I think they probably made the situation more worse) Must have been hard for you to share that and relive that as you wrote this comment. Thank you for sharing a part of your story in spite of that. Somehow I feel understood, that you know the real weight of the words that I wrote.
      It never fails to amaze me how mean people can get. How the words they casually say only hurts us, is only remembered by us, while they forget it the instant they say it.
      I agree with you, that such people don’t deserve to be called friends. And sometimes I think I call them my friend not because they care about me, but only because once I cared about them. Some sort of unrequited friendship I guess. And it hurts more because out of all the people in this world, at least they were not supposed to hurt me like this. But sadly with time, as most friends of mine turn out to be like this, I start wondering if the real issue is me. Or probably I have the knack of choosing the wrong people to care for. There are so many doubts, that I don’t want to have, but they continue to live in me and makes me confused, makes me think sometimes that maybe it is easier to hate myself (for making such stupid choices) than to hate everyone that I loved and treasured for long time. Some sort of issue with self-worth I guess.
      Thankfully, since this has happened so often, I think I am kind of indifferent to it. Not sure if it is a good thing. But it is easier than loving people more deeply than they deserve to be. You are probably right, I should stop calling such people friends. But even that will take a bit of time, till I learn to hold other people accountable for their wrongs, rather than blaming myself for all my lacking.
      I am really thankful for your words 🙂 They have uplifted my spirit and calmed my heart. Thank you so much 🙂

      1. I’m pleased that my words were what you needed at this time. And although it was difficult to relive these things as I wrote it now, I’m glad that I did. What a beautiful thing that such hatred and malevolence can be turned into something that can help a fellow human being in need. You’re most welcome!

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