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Day 3- Quote Challenge

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“You’ve become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.”
― Cormac McCarthy

Now I am not sure what this quote exactly makes me feel. But every time I read this, I see in front of me that one door left. It fills me up with a kind of relief and fear at the same time. It is as if every small action of mine will change my life in a drastic ways. It is like choosing a destiny that I cannot see. Irreversible nature of my decision, the narrowing of the world to fewer door, fewer dreams, fewer options is frightening. But it also fills me with a sense of responsibility and control. It feels like a power that I do not know how to put to use, but it is still a power. Like a blind person walking on a minefield, where even having eyes may not be of much help considering the chaos that surrounds me. Even if a portion of choice is in my hand, I do have a say, but not much. I cannot turn back and look at all the doors I can’t go back through. I am just left with that one line I am travelling (many that I can’t), the line my decisions create to that last door, the line we call fate.

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Day 2 – Quote Challenge

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“I guess my life hasn’t always been happy, or easy, or exactly what I want. At a certain point, I just have to try not to think too much about certain things, or else they’ll break my heart.”
― Jonathan Franzen

This is a thought I can relate with but not know why. I am not entirely sure whether the interests that I have actually catch my attention, or I am trying to pile up more things to distract me from looking at things that might upset me. It is not that I try to avoid problems. I do face the problems in my life (most of them), take them up as challenge, try to find solution. But I do all this with an attitude of an onlooker. I do not engage myself emotionally in that, even if (especially when) it is about my own life. But one thing I know about myself is that I take everything personally, I am anxious about all small things, so sometimes even I am amazed at how coolly and with a disturbing nonchalance I handle the bigger issues of my life. I might be going through a really hard time, and would be enjoying everything as I normally do, I keep myself so busy with things (sometimes with ridiculously irrelevant things ) that I do not have to think about how I feel about all this. I do not want to see how I am affected by it, for I know every small thing affects me in ways no one would understand. But knowing that and facing that are two different things. I do not want to ask myself questions that I do not have answers to, whose answers even if I know will be more difficult for me to handle. I do confront my feelings and act them out, only when I am pushed to. That’s when I loose my cool. When I do loose my cool, when I get into why rather than what, I turn into this hysterical person that I don’t want to be.

And here is why this confuses me more, one of the reason that I write is so that I can see all these feelings without having to claim them as mine. I can write about feelings of a character and somewhere in his pain flows my pain, so much that they become inseparable. It is not about me, but it is still about me.

But I do not try to change myself, I believe the way I behave and deal with things are the best possible way to deal with this life of mine. Something that works for me, even if at times it is ridiculous.

And this is exactly what I think about myself:

“He couldn’t figure out if she was immensely well adjusted or seriously messed up.”
― Jonathan Franzen

Day 1 – Quote Challenge

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Angela has nominated me to participate in 3 Day Quote Challenge and I can’t thank her enough for thinking of my blog. The mere fact that my blog crossed your mind is a really a big thing for me. Thanks a lot. 🙂

Here is the link to the post on her blog.

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Day 1:

“What we seek is some kind of compensation for what we put up with.”
― Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance

There are so many things that I don’t want to go through. And would do anything so that I never end up in the situation where an unpleasant reality is forced on me. After all the efforts that I take to keep my life peaceful, I do end up with all kinds of chaos and suffering in my life. I am not  complaining of how my life is lacking and how I deserve better (for somewhere in my heart I know that I also deserve worse).

There are nights, when I can’t fall asleep, cause I don’t know how long can I face all this, how long I can pretend to be strong. But there all also days when I wake up thinking of all that is possible if only I can endure a little more. One half of my heart is drunk on misery and other half on dreams. This misery and this joy are not related as cause and event. They are something that I must experience in parallel.

I think the scenarios of possible happiness are the only thing that has kept me alive till now.

“Support” – Nayana Nair

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We know
how to support the cause.
We don’t know
how to support the victims.

“I look for…” – Nayana Nair

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I look for a cradle.

I look for a caressing hand.

I look for everything that is not you.

I look for everything you once were.

“Can there be a me?” – Nayana Nair

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Can there be a me
in future,
who wouldn’t second guess the
genuinety of people and relations.
Who wouldn’t live on scarpes of leftover love.
Who would sigh less, and smile better.
Who doesn’t wake up to relive
every sadness till date.
Whose time is not trapped and wasted
on crumpled papers.
I hope there is.
Cause I have lived too long like this
and though I thought
I could do this forever,
but now I am tired.
Today, just want to go to sleep
and wake up somewhere else,
as someone else.

“Not sure” – Nayana Nair

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heartonglass

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who knows how to love.
Everyone is trying.
Everyone is guessing
and doubting.
Not sure what love is.

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op mijn werk rust copyright, wil je een foto gebruiken mail mij dan via de contactpagina

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