I woke up in tears and I couldn’t go back to sleep.
As I slept, I felt things move around me, someone climbing down my window, someone flying out with unfamiliar and awkward wings. In my sleep I heard the unbearable wailing of my words that should have otherwise lying dead on my table.
I couldn’t go back to sleep. Because something was wrong. Someone was again changing me without my knowledge. Someone was again waiting for my gratitude to fill my lifeless words of thanks.
The moon was no longer a moon but an eraser waiting for me to sleep, so it can go on and erase everything that was left in this life. In the 3 hours I had slept away I had already lost memories worth 3 years so easily without even putting up a fight. Even if I didn’t know what should be here but no longer is, I somehow knew that I would always know that something is missing. I knew what that feeling will do to me. I knew how it would make me do everything that I regret having done. I knew all that because I have found myself so often at this point.
The point of forgeting – the forceful hands of God trying to pry open my hands, the painful flying away of my pain, the painful end of my love, the hideous and disgusting sight of my hands wanting something, anything to hold again at any cost.
I knew not to fall for this scheme again. So I walked upto the window, looked at all the sleeping rooms scattered in front of me, rooms where no one really slept. I looked at the concrete street below, felt its dangerous height in me, felt the distance between me and the true oblivion. I played with the dangerous power of choice before it frightened me with its truth. I heard someone laugh, before I turned back. I heard them back at their work as I found myself sleeping in the familiar bed of choices that never feel right. The only choice I want to believe I have.
Like me, probably many have tried their best to set their limits, have learned how to stop before learning how to move. We recite story of forgiveness, of patience, of eternal undying love to our children at night. and when they fall asleep we recite these stories to ourselves, so that we may not forget them. I remember all the proofs, every news that told me how wanting more, wanting somewhere’s share of happiness, wanting too much- can result in catastrophes. that is how I learnt that some wants can destroy lives, can create demons out of people. The one who wrongs and the one who is wronged just move around this world trying outrun the aftermath of careless actions.
Excuses are futile, reasons unnecessary. You may have sad story but who doesn’t. I don’t want to know what you went through. I don’t want to melt my indifference and disregard and become the only character who suffers for their understanding. I don’t want to be that lone person who considers even small actions so that the ones who are already hurt, don’t break on their watch, don’t die on them.
But it is difficult to be kind to the ones who end up living for their pain, who think their pain makes them special, who would do anything to keep their status of the ones needing protection. It is tiring to continuously ache for others. It is tiring to see everyone walking back to their mistake in the name of love, in the name of passion. Don’t tell me about your sadness and worries. Don’t ask me for support and advice. I cannot forgive those who return to the normality of their hell leaving me as the only one who should have known better than to help those who can’t make up their mind.
Indulge in their views.
Do not make you life
a contradiction to theirs.
Utter false words of underdstanding.
And they will let you be.
They do not have much ambition.
They simply want to rule
your words and action.
Your thoughts at least belong to you.
and they will continue to
till you manage to survive.
Give in to their ways.
Live your life in that cage.
So that you may be free in your thoughts.