As I climb, my steps remembered the shoes I once had the ones that didn’t hurt so much and how hands of mine that hacked through them just to become my own person, some sort of grown-up. I climbed over the yellow soft dress and the light that it caught just to get this, this body that looks held together but is not (this body knows only how to fall apart), just to get few more shadows that ruin my beautiful wrist with their persistent passion. They claw through me, to see how I am made, how I look and speak once I break. A stranger once left me at the bottom of a black pond and called it love just so that I won’t cry and in return I called him my love just for few breaths, just for my life. I climbed over the right to mean the word “love” thereafter and the dream of knowing a heart other than mine. I breathe as if I have sinned yet I walk like I am happiness and determination in flesh. I cling to all the bitter bits of this world as if they would ultimately save me. I climb over, get over, and forget so easily, so bitterly that each feeling of mine is just a shade of resentment.
the doors, the light falling on us, the grass that grew by the roads that we walked, the flowers in our backyard, everything. you changed everything. you filled everything with so much light and drew every object around you with such intense colors that I had to love you.
but you could not change me.
my heart stirred in its sleep but never wanted to wake up and decide. i am not dragging you down for what happened. i am not saying that you were enough.
i am saying that it was your benevolence-
how you never tried to take this fabric of my skin and sew it something that would fit you,
how you remained the wide blue sky and how i remained a small disappearing brook,
how my heart felt small to even hold an essence of you, how i feared to lose you,
how i wanted to lose you for once, to be free from this fear
that is what drove us apart.
some days i wished for you to fall into me, to make me something more than i am. some days i wished i never met you, never became aware with how small i am.
I came here knowing that you would be here as well, knowing that you won’t like to see me here or anywhere. But I have been always good at not seeing the truth. So as I put on the dress I wore when I first met you I told myself – if you hate me, resent me for showing up, it is because you have not forgotten me yet; if you avoid me it is because you know you would love me again.
The distance has dulled all the pain that I felt with you and I prepare myself to dive again into the turmoil, the feelings that result from seeking you out again.
But as I enter this room this crowd that knows our history can’t decide whether to get us closer or to keep us apart. No one says your name around me, even though you are in front of me and I wonder, how long it has been since you have heard my name as well.
I have taken a step and now I have to wait for you to take the next. Would it have been easier for me if you could just utter the word ‘end’, instead of avoiding me like this. As the hour I have allowed myself to be shameless ends, as I wonder how will I ever make my way out of this world of yours, I feel the air beside me shift I feel the old me waking up in myself again. But it is not you. You have already left. I realize the end I could never imagined exists, that a ‘you’ without me exists. That I must find a new way to exist now.
You have left your reflection in my mirrors and now I have no choice but to dispose them. I do not want to see you tainted by anything that is mine.
You may not know this (and may you never know) but I love you because you are nothing like me, I love you because you cannot understand me. You remind of what I could be if life gave me better circumstances or if I knew how to choose better.
On you this shine of happiness, that life stole from me, on you they look better. If that is how the world works, if happiness is a fixed constant I’ll gladly let you have my share.
Though you are always holding my world together,
I do not mind everything falling apart
if in all the breaking
you are the only one kept intact.
We believed (or wanted to)
that this world where we won’t be staying for long
will be always there,
will the stay the same
even when we leave.
That our eyes have captured something eternal.
But even the stars that we believed in
were in fact dying,
so far away that we didn’t even know.
Would it have mattered even if we knew?
Would we have cared for an end that we won’t live to see?
So even when I see that we are breaking,
even when I know it will come apart,
I know we don’t need a forever,
just bit more time.
We just need to vanish into dust
before we watch our love die.
For someone who speaks so much I mean so little of what I say. I let myself be swayed too easily and too often. I foolishly take my passing feelings and poor judgments as some eternal truth, when they are not.
Today, I may talk of my wait
for this sorrow to leave my life.
Tomorrow, I will claim it as my only friend
from whom I do not wish to be apart.
All those contradicting words
are true and heartfelt
but only for that moment of time.
Tomorrow I may as well wake up and say that
my sorrow is you- my beating heart.
And I won’t be too far from the truth.
There are so many things
that I can’t be bothered with,
all the things I must do eventually.
I hope it is same for you.
Because all the time I have created,
all the cares I have swept under the rug
I plan to waste with you.
I hope you are not too caught up in life.
I hope you wake up today and tell me
what a waste of day it would be
if we spend it apart.
Lets push away every work
for a tomorrow that falls on a lonelier day.
There is a fierce calmness
that holds me together
even when I think
that I will fall apart.
Seems like falling apart
is not that easy
for those who lived in pieces
that they never knew they had.
So I will turn deaf
to the words of love
that presumes that it knows me.
So I will kill time
with preaching words of self-love
that I struggle with everyday.
I will fill myself with the stars above
And I will learn to live
and learn to die.
And wait with dread
for the day I’ll feel complete.
I don’t want to be complete.
I know how to be broken.
Being broken is what I do best.