I finally sit with people
who have owned my mind,
who have left it astray,
who have come back at inopportune moments
to claim a bit of my peace for their own heart.
They say guilt keeps them awake at nights.
They say they need me once again.
They need to see the smile of another victim
to convince themselves that they deserve happiness,
that they can move on.
They say the echoes of my cries in their head
have grown worse with time.
So I sit with them and tell them that they can live again.
Only because I cannot bear these demands to be forgiven
or the proposals of relationship grown on the manure of my corpse.
So I ask them to forget me, so that I can forget them.
whatever this is.
till I find a way to hide it,
get rid of it,
or kill it.
They say I will die the moment
I set the monster in me ablaze.
But this is the reason
warnings no longer work on me.
This is why I cannot live the way I want.
This is why ‘what I now want’
is ‘what I never ever wanted to want’.
Don’t take pity on me
nor on this thing that eats me
and replaces my every cell
with hateful words
and spiteful actions.
Why are you holding me down?
Why are you holding me back?
Why do you want to preserve me like this-
at my worst?
I am becoming better at creating excuses.
I am becoming better at forgetting the hurt I cause.
It kills me to see myself straying away from my ideals.
Doesn’t that matter a bit?