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"Normal Love" – Nayana Nair

I love
and wait to be loved
only to feel “Maybe I am not that bad”.
I wonder what that says
about who I am as a person.
In love
I can’t help but put my all,
put up the act of selflessness,
of fierceness.
Be the creature of passion
that I rarely am by myself.
How terribly normal I look
in the arms of my shape-shifting beloved.
How terrible it makes me feel-
this normal love,
that I can never get by being myself.

“The Scale of 1 to 10 (part 1)” – Nayana Nair

#the feelings that I can’t own

The nature of regrets that I have in my heart, the flowers that grow at the end of this knife, the watches that have run out of battery but pretend to have stopped time. I have so much space in me for things like these. I have so many curiosities that I can put up a shop with no intention to sell.

     I don't like my mind right now
     Stacking up problems that are so unnecessary
     Wish that I could slow things down
     I wanna let go but there's comfort in the panic
     - "Heavy", Linkin Park
     Distant lies - shallow dreams, confused ideas 
     Once our hopes - now they anchor all our fears 
     -"Lie", Arco
     Just by being next to you
     I was happy
     Don’t take even that truth
     And make it into a bad memory
     -"Last Goodbye", Akdong Musician

I have sketches of you, a face for every day that you have shared with me. I wonder if you would walk into this shop with another beloved of yours. Would she buy them all? Would you let me sell it to her?

     I loved you a lot
     Even if you say otherwise
     I didn’t want things to end this easily
     -"Go Away", Yong Jun Hyung
     But the thing that we all learned at some point was how
     To step on someone, to catch them, to erase them, to hate them
     -"Life", RM

This is not a post-you fear and post-abandonment feelings. I think I have felt that with you all along. Something about us, the way everything about us was a secret of sorts – you only told stories that I could never repeat.

     And I cried for you
     Like a widow cries at her lover’s grave
     You haunted me through my stinging nights
     And aching days
     - "Divers & Submarines", Passenger

I knew this all along.
I knew all your lacks, and I knew how you would give up on me rather than give up on all parts of you that stand between us.
I knew it, but I wanted to be wrong, just this once.

     Well I clung to you
     Like cat hair clings to a woollen shirt
     You needed me, like a wedding dress needs dirt
     -"Divers & Submarines", Passenger
     I bet you know just what you're doing
     You're not the type that's used to losing
     First, you build me up, then with just a touch
     Leave me here in ruins
     -"Dazed and Confused", Ruel

I hid from you all the parts of me, that could suffocate you – my love, my possessiveness, my confusion, my fear, my irrational suspicions created by most rational observations, my objections, my complaints, my hurt.

     We wanna be right
     But always wrong
     Were we born to be wrong?
     Is life something like that?
     …
     We tryna be bright
     But always dark
     We still don’t know if we’ve lived to the extent that we can
     -"Life", RM

But now, when I no longer have the obligation to hide anymore.
I end up lying, trying to protect you from the harsh words of this world, making everyone believe that you were lovable even when you were not. It would break my remaining heart for you to be hated, even when you deserve to be hated.

     What happens if I open my eyes, my eyes?
     Will I ever get my head right, head right?
     -"Dazed and Confused", Ruel
     I keep dragging around what's bringing me down
     If I just let go, I'd be set free
     -"Heavy", Linkin Park 
     Until the time that we die perfectly we can’t protect everything
     -"Life", RM
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The Goodreads Book Tag

I was tagged by Jasmine @ How Useful It Is for Goodreads Book Tag. Thanks a lot, my fellow booklover. 🙂

gg

What is the last book you marked as read?

snow

I won’t say this is the best book I have read by Orhan Pamuk (for I have read only two of his books, can’t make such judgement), but I liked his novel “The Black Book” more. It is a good story nevertheless and had very touching part. I did like this book, because there was this air of mystery of not how-it-ends, but rather how-it-can-reach-this end.

What are you currently reading?

premchand

This is a collection of short stories in Hindi by Premchand. I don’t read Hindi much. Not cause I don’t like it, in fact I love this language. But I am not so good at it. Last time I read Hindi story would be when I was in school and that would be in 2009 (I didn’t like subject Hindi cause I was very very bad at it, has been reason for my headaches in school years). So, it’s quite nostalgic to read Hindi stories and I love it. Thinking of buying more Hindi novels in future. Right now , in this book, I am reading a short story named “Damul ka Qaidi”. Now, I don’t know what “Damul” is (so you can guess how bad my hindi is) but “qaidi” means prisoner. I tried to google what “damul” means , but till now only answer I could find is “Bonded until death”. I am not sure of its meaning. But I can understand the story somehow. I love reading Premchand’s stories, simple and meaningful.

I am sharing a link to english tranlastion of one of his short story “Bade Bhai Sahib”(My Elder Brother),  which I read when I was in 10th (or 9th) class in school and was my favourite story of subject that I dreaded.

http://ghai-tc.blogspot.in/2013/08/prem-chands-short-story-bade-bhai-sahib.html

What was the last book you marked as to read?

beloved

I  always wanted to read this book by Toni Morrison, but haven’t till date. I am never able to find it.(I have found other books by her, but for some reason I want to start reading her novels from “Beloved” ) I know I can order it online. But I don’t like buying books online. I prefer to go to bookstore and spend hours there.

Do you use the star rating system?

Yup, I do give star ratings to the books I  have read. But I don’t give reviews (most of the time). I am too lazy maybe.

What book do you plan on reading next?

lowland

I have read “The Namesake” by Jhumpa Lahiri previously. And I loved that book. So bought this book. I have very high expectations from it. Let’s see how that turns out.

Are you doing the 2016 reading challenge?

Yes, I am. I had actually forgotten about that till I read this question. I had aimed for 45 books and I have read 17 till now. But that’s just theory. In reality, I may have read more than that. But I forget to update my progress on Goodreads. By the time I remember I have to update it, I would have read 6-7 books and would be confused whether I have already updated that or not. In short, it’s a very confusing process for me to update my book progress and I am too lazy to sort that out.

What book do you plan on buying next?

the_almost_moon_alice_sebold_novel_cover_art

Had read “Lovely Bones” by Alice Sebold and loved it. So, I hope I can find it in the bookstore when I go book-shopping next time.

Do you have a wish list?

I don’t have a wish list. I find random books by random author ( at used-book sale). If I love it. I will hoard all the books by the same author. So my wishlist generally comprises reading (and buying) all books by my favorite author.

What is your favorite quote?

There are so so many quote that I love (but can’t recall).

I  will just quote some lines from the novel “Snow” that I finished reading last night.

Happiness is holding someone in your arms and knowing you hold the whole world.

Suddenly Ka realized he was in love with İpek. And realizing that this love would determine the rest of his life, he was filled with dread.

Who are your favorite authors?

Leo Tolstoy, Dorothy Koomson, Jodi Picoult, Orhan Pamuk(recent fav), Tami Hoag.

Have you joined any groups?

No. Though I would love to. But i is fairly impossible for me to read the book that everyone reading at current time. Can’t do that. I am too moody and the books I read depends on what I can find in a given bookstore. But, since my sweet sister also read novels, we have hours (or even days) long discussion on a book. I love that.

gg

I am tagging all my readers for “The Goodreads Book Tag”. If you do decide to take it up, please leave the link in comments, would love to read your answers.

 

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