If we were to meet somewhere not here. If we are to be someone new, someone different, for the chance of meeting to finally happen. I think happiness, even then, won’t be of any consequence to us.
You and me – we – would find warmth just in the vision of our open arms and tear-stained faces. We would run into each others arms and not utter any other useless promise. We would tell each other without words that we can be fine by just being together.
Yet, we – you and me – will find ourselves filled with disappointment and sadness and a blooming bitterness filled with light. For the ones who fought and cried and begged and desperately clinged onto the promise of love- this love can exist only without them.
In reaching you, in finding your heart on the other side of mine, it feels that I have just been carrying on the wishes of someone who loved you a bit more, a lot more than me, a lot more than this. The hand we hold as we sleep today, they have held knives. I know the scent of my end on your being. I move in closer to you, trying to remember the me who smiled only for you and you hold me closer trying to waiting for something similar.
The ones who wanted this love have been long been killed. the ones we want are ourselves. “Do you even remember where you have buried me?” I almost said but instead I said soulless words about some love. Hoping to find at least this answer without your help.
The food tastes better today. The light today falls just right into me. “This would be a day like no other”, I thought as someone wished me a happy day on radio before playing a song that shredded my remaining patience into bright bitter words that fit me better. And now armed with an unreasonable and off-putting frown I walk towards the house where my love lived. I knew on a day like this she would still be somewhere far away from every world of mine and my knocks would bounce back from everything of hers she didn’t want. I stood there talking to my friends who differ from me only in the fact that they don’t have to walk this world in hope and fear of change. I pick another flower which will definitely end with “she remembers me, not“ “she will return, not“ “she is here, not“ As my shoulders melts to fit the memory of her outline, the song changes to something that refuses to end with “i will forget her eventually“ “i will be fine like everybody else“ “i will find what it means to be me, by myself“ and something about that was relieving. The false belief that I will be stuck in time even if it was with a memory of her, with false hopes sounded better than hearing the approaching steps of the day that will cure me of her.
I come in the dark hours of my mood and switch on the lights of empty cubicles. 49 switches and yet nothing works on me.
I walk past the empty seats seats that belong to people I see everyday, I smile to everyday, who have never seen my smile in reality.
For few hours I can be happy again. I am free to be alone, to be miserable, to be able to curse myself but not being confused by the presence of these people, who are there for me but not only for me, but for everyone. And not always, but only when it suits them.
It is better that I am alone because I don’t know how to be thankful to them without being bitter, how to voice out the emptiness that flows into me every moment I spend with them and not feel hatred for the kind of person my words paint me to be, how to wait for them with eager heart when their kind words only remind me of monsters that force their way into my life.
It is better that I am alone It would have been better if I could wear these feelings with ease, without waiting for something to change.
You walk in with a cake of rust, two hours late. You kiss me , wait for me to smile, to say thanks, to make another offering of myself at your shrine.
You tell me of love, the only love that you cannot get out of your heart. This love that suffocates you these days more than before. How my face asks for too much, even when my voice doesn’t.
I cross out and mess up the frosting trying to hide the wrong name. These days I don’t correct you, or remind you of who I am, and so you forget me just as I thought you would, just as you promised you wouldn’t.
My half hidden sighs tell me that I am just an appointment, things that have to be done, feel good pill of a the mean god that you are. The clearer I see this the more I want to speak against you, to hold you closer with my rage.
I want to speak of all the facts I have on you- the bitter candies from the assembly line that my minds works overtime overnight, to show you the moments you hated yourself most again and again and again. I am weak like that. I am mean like that. And now I don’t want to be better. I wasn’t like this always but now this all I can be.
I don’t remember or expect a beautiful love, now neither should you.
As I climb, my steps remembered the shoes I once had the ones that didn’t hurt so much and how hands of mine that hacked through them just to become my own person, some sort of grown-up. I climbed over the yellow soft dress and the light that it caught just to get this, this body that looks held together but is not (this body knows only how to fall apart), just to get few more shadows that ruin my beautiful wrist with their persistent passion. They claw through me, to see how I am made, how I look and speak once I break. A stranger once left me at the bottom of a black pond and called it love just so that I won’t cry and in return I called him my love just for few breaths, just for my life. I climbed over the right to mean the word “love” thereafter and the dream of knowing a heart other than mine. I breathe as if I have sinned yet I walk like I am happiness and determination in flesh. I cling to all the bitter bits of this world as if they would ultimately save me. I climb over, get over, and forget so easily, so bitterly that each feeling of mine is just a shade of resentment.
For a change I made breakfast for one and didn’t cry over it. I didn’t turn back as he packed his favorite parts of this heavy life with me. He didn’t ask me about the things I have hidden away. I felt a bitter thankfulness that my memories are mine to keep, that my beautiful moments have been erased from his heart, that I am not a part of his greed and schemes anymore, that nothing in me can be ruined by him after this.
I simply stared at the milk that won’t boil as he dragged away in his small heart the window frames, the doors to my cold world, the warm flame of my blue stove, the table mats on which we spilled our hearts by mistake, the songs that I will never be able to sing again, the doorbell, the welcome mat, our plants that never grew more than a millimeter in spite of the four years of sunlight and rain. Mistakes. We created so much with love, only to call them mistakes.
I heard the door close behind me, my so called “heart” moving away without me and all I could do was hope or pity myself. All I could do was hate him so that I can finally give up.
a broken end with a light (a lighter duller than me) touches me. someone says the magic words, the loathsome words that make me the old alice. i am made to leave the seat, the home, the dream, the rights that are too big for me. they leave me a tiny suitcases filled with fancy dresses made of used socks and handkerchiefs. they are cute, they are kind, they have read their fairy tales right. i have never read the right books, so i find myself unable to thank them or kiss their hands. thumblina says my new belongings in glitter i do not know what this name means or the fate that the owner of this name is meant to find but i have heard it is better than being an alice. (i liked being alice more i liked a story written for my sake.) as i walk into the new forest, towards hopefully my last story or at least a story i can make my own for once, i can’t help but think of all the laughing men, now laughing giants fixing my home to their liking. i can’t help but be a bit bitter looking at my hands that can only build for people like them.
I am told I am not wise, that I do not have the intellect that could make anyone swoon over me. I try too hard, put too much effort to be considered worth protecting. I rank even lower on the stats of beauty. I know that since I have found discarded papers written by boys-who-will-always-be-boys who document my plummeting desirability religiously. But since I am not the type to conform (tsk tsk…so many vices) I cannot help but choose to take on the role of the bitter girl and judge in my mind everyone who cruelly prosecutes me in jokes and harmless fun in my absence, but are kind enough to leave behind enough clues for me to figure out where I must stand in this world.
It has become my habit to consider them desperate, manipulative and not worth my time or attention. I know now, how to look down on everyone who looks down on me. It’s a wonderful feeling really. To feel like a flawed monster with some control. To be free from the want to be understood by the “cool” people. To stop expecting for things to change. I have enough paranoia and enough stubbornness to last this lifetime. I have enough reasons to hate passionately all those who hate me. I may know too less about life, I may underestimate the phrase “but-tomorrow-you-might-need-them” but I cannot turn my other cheek and I cannot let myself want to be a friends/minion of theirs. My heart may be dissolving in my own acidic hate for this world But at least I know I took on my own side in all my fights. I may not expect much from world, but expect a lot from myself. This is the bare minimum I can do to preserve myself in this world that changes everyone in the name of fun.