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The Scale of 1 to 10 (part 2)” – Nayana Nair

#about the street where we won’t meet

There is a street in my mind, where an often underappreciated singer sings about a love that stands just across the street. Forever they stand there, one trying make up combinations of words, variations of beautiful verses – not to win her heart, but to beg the world to keep her beautiful memory alive. Forever her image hovers and floats above the ground, but he is too faraway to notice.

   Well the first time that I saw her
   Standing in the middle of the road
   Eyes as bright as Christmas lights
   Wearing someone else’s clothes
   I did my best to ignore her
   But ignoring my best pretty soon
    - "Words", Passenger
   I’m opening my eyes
   I see you
   I shake my hands
   So your image scatters
   No matter how much I do that
   How often I do that
   Still, in front of me
   You are smiling
    - "Opening My Eyes", Zitten

And this is where my mind is stuck. Not at the numerous meetings leading to heartbreak, not at the years that passed too slowly, not at the will to live and smile that grew weary too fast, not at the silent ending that is more serene than happy.
My mind is stuck at the point where I am stuck in my life.

   Even tomorrow I will see you
   Even tomorrow, I will hear you
   Even tomorrow, everything will be the same as today
   -"Time Spent Walking Through Memories", Nell
   I want to remain
   I want to dream more
   …
   I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness
   My happy times asked me this question
   You, are you really okay, it asked me
   Oh no
   -"Awake", Jin (BTS)

There are roads that I cannot cross and always at the other end stands someone or something too beautiful to be ignored. There stands a poem I wish I had written, there stands an alien undecipherable tear that I wish I could understand. There is a torn down building that feels like a home that I should yearn for. There is a pile of love letters that I never got to read. There is horde of faces I couldn’t trust, but I wished to. There is everything I could have been, if I only had the courage to be selfish.

   You were so precious
   Countless memories that you placed
   In all of those moments
   In all of those times
   You were always beautiful
   -"Opening My Eyes", Zitten
   Even within some stranger’s figure passing on the street
   Even above the leaves riding the wind with a lonely dance
   Even within the air brushing past my cheeks on some evening
   In everything I see, hear and feel
   You are there
   Yeah, and how are you?
   …
   Even on that big empty chair left on the side of the street
   Even in the glass I thoughtlessly filled to drink some water
   Even within the mirror I face to look at myself
   Even within the music secretly sitting in deeper from the edge of my ear
   You are there
   -"Time Spent Walking through Memories", Nell
   The last thing you taught me
   Is that there are types of happiness that don’t come back
   -"Lemon", Kenshi Yonezu
   And besides, you probably don’t know how much I was saved by you
   -"Melancholy Kitchen", Kenshi Yonezu

This is what my world is made of, this what this world is to me. Something I feel and love with all my heart, with every drop of my existence. Yet something that is too far away, only because my feet are glued to this piece of land. Because I want to stay here far enough to not ruin anything so good.

   Oh moon, My moon
   I’m not trying to embrace you
   I know that you are too immense
   To fit into my arms
   …
   Oh moon, My moon
   I’m not trying to own you
   The reason why you’re so dazzling to me
   Is because I am a pitch-black night
   -"Dear Moon", JeHwi 
   Letting it go
   Seeing your light
   Living my life away from you
   Being your light
   Far from you
   -"Aurora", Savina & Drones

There is a street in my mind where the lover and the loved are always separated. Here they stay forever in each other’s sight. On that street love never ends, love never ask for practicality, never gets hurt nor does it get tired of waiting. Here the love doesn’t ask for approval of this world. Here no one changes. My feelings, here, are not something to be hidden away, or to be lied about. Here my feelings, my attachment is not a nuisance, but the only meaning that I need to live.

   Since then, when I think of you
   —Someone I loved
   More than I ever thought—
   My breath stops
   -"Lemon", Kenshi Yonezu
   But if i could
   I would love
   To be the light
   Just the light
   That shines upon you
   -"End Roll", Androp
   Memories that spill down
   Words that endlessly come up
   How can I hold you back?
   I’ll be here
   I’ll be here
   -"Opening My Eyes", Zitten
   All the angels who know pain
   Flying on damaged wings through the night
   Every time I'm thinking about love
   Every time I'm thinking about love
   I don't wanna listen to just happy songs
   I'll face my loneliness, color my life
   -"Lights", BTS
   Inside my blue dream
   I want to hold you
   -"Blue Side", J-Hope (BTS)
   Maybe I'm a dreamer
   Or maybe I'm just fallen' apart
   I put it all on the table for you to see
   That you and I, that's what we are
   -"Waiting For You", Grizfolk

Miserable

So I thought,
let’s make a resolution and a promise.
The situation can be miserable
but let’s not make myself miserable.
Let’s not insult myself.

-Park Jimin, BTS (Vlive)

Sunshine Blogger Award

I am doing an award post after a long long time.
What resulted in this delay?
Something as simple as losing track of where I had saved the text file where I had made a list of posts to respond to. Sorry about that. 😦

Now PritAmDas had nominated me for Sunshine Blogger Award sometime in November last year (as I said, it’s been really long time).
I am thankful that you remembered by blog to nominate. I am flattered to think that my blog (my work) is worth keeping in mind.
Here is a link to the post:

https://iliveinfantasy.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/sunshine-blogger-award/

Earlier I used to stick to the rules of awards and all. But now I am a total rebel. I only do the portion of answering questions and almost never nominate anyone these days. The thing I like most about awards is the questions. Because sometimes in answering questions I end up knowing lot about myself and you can also get to know what Nayana is like when I am not writing depressing poems. (I want to reassure you once again that my life is not as sad I write.)

So here are my answers to the questions from PritAmDas:

What do you do when you are bored of doing the same thing again and again?
It is in my nature to not get bored of doing same things again and again. In fact I like routine more than adventure. So that will never happen.
But there are days I don’t like doing anything, nothing interest me. Those days I don’t do anything and such days also pass. Those days very very rare
though.

Do you sometimes step backward and observe? If yes.. what??
Yes, I do that a lot. I step back and observe myself, life in general, people whom I thought I knew and understood. It is a painful and enlightening thing to do, but ends up making me feel helpless because it makes me realize I can never completely know anyone, not even myself.

What you do to make your loved ones happy?
I try to be in good mood, spend time doing what they like, talking to them till late night. In short, being myself and being nice is enough to keep my loved ones happy. They are pretty simple and awesome people to be around.

Tell me when you have gone out of control and behaved like a freak?
That happens quite often. I mostly act like a freak when I am hungry. I overreact, shout a lot, get angry, get irritated with small things (and sometimes it is funny to witness because at that point I have no idea what I am saying and can spew lot of non-sense). So it would be correct to say, depriving me of food or being near a food deprived Nayana can be harmful for anyone’s peace of mind.

If you would have given a time machine what would you do and why?
After watching all the series and drama with time travel trope, I have reached a conclusion – Time travel does no good to anyone. I do not want to change anything or meet anyone. I can’t handle the complications that come with time travel.
Maybe if I can see something in past without going in past, then I may like to see how Nalanda University looked like. I have been always curious about this from childhood and not sure why. But that would be it.

What is your favorite TV series?
This is very very very tough question. There are so many and even attempting to list them would be a crime.
So I can share with you the series I finished watched recently and loved a lot and that would be The Package. It was a really good series about a group of people visiting France and their tour guide. It is sweet and emotional. After watching that series Mont-Saint-Michel is now on my to-visit-before-I-die list of places.

The series that I am watching again currently is Moonlovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. It was such a good series. I am watching it for third time and it gets
better every time I watch. My favorite character is Wang So.

What do you think love is? In present society?
Love for me is to care and to be cared for. Love is to be stubborn and to not give up. Love is to know that this person will always stand by you no matter
what.
I know it doesn’t apply for everyone because for everyone love means something else.
As far as present society is concerned, I do not want to comment or judge how people try to find love and be in love and how long their love last. Not only because I consider it rude, but it is insensitive as well. I have not lived their life and can never know what makes them do what they do. And to blame and criticize an age or a generation is not something I like to do. (I only complain about such things if they bug me personally)

If someone truly loves you but you don’t know due to some reason what would you do ?
If I don’t know, then there is nothing for me to do in that.

If you like memes then what was your favorite and if you don’t then why?
I like memes a lot, but I do not use them much.
My favorite ones are that of BTS. Because they are my favorite artist/celebrities ever, so theirs are the only memes that I have in my phone. Here are some of their memes. (Not sure if it is everyone’s cup of tea, cause some of them requires context)

Have you ever done something awkward and when asked you have denied? Then what you had done?
I mispronounce words all the time. But when someone points it out, I deny having said anything wrong. I put it on them that they heard it wrong.
I don’t admit my mistakes that easily,(even if I know that I have done something wrong ), that is a whole big issue of my life.

What makes you feel special?
When I achieve something, finish something by my efforts, I feel that I am capable of doing something in life- that makes me feel special. I consider myself not so talented, and the only thing I am good at is hard work. When that hard work pays off, it is one the best feelings in world.

At this moment I realize that by this post I have bombarded you with lots of drama pics and BTS memes. Sorry for that, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Now since we are at the end of this post, I would like to thank PritAmDas once again for nominating me and liking my work.

Also, FrejaTravels had nominated me for Mystery Blogger Award. I want to thank them as well for it. Again I apologize for the delay. I have answered their questions in the following post : Mystery Blogger Award. (You may have to scroll a lot, till you reach “Edited on 12 March 2019”)

Effort makes you

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Versatile Blogger Award

Posted on

versatile-blogger-award

Hi,

So my soul sister UNIVERSE FIREFLIE nominated me for this award. Thanks a lot dear. 🙂 I am flattered that you like my blog and you thought of it. If you have not visited her blog, do visit. She writes wonderful stuff. 🙂 :D. Here is a link to her post on this award:(Click here)

So the rules:

-> 7 facts about me. (reminds me of those introduction in new schools, which made me so tense that I would end up forgetting who I am)

-> Nominate 15 bloggers for the award. (I might skip this rule, not sure, but today I don’t feel like doing this)

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Facts:

(Warning: This can be boring. I am not that interesting person.)

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  1. I have maybe 2-3 diaries filled with quotes and the number of diaries will keep on increasing. I love making note of every beautiful thing I ever read. I like to hoard them as if they will not be there tomorrow. I feel I would forget all the things I have read, so I must make sure that I write them down (I don’t write quotes from the books/novels that I have bought, cause I have the book itself) And my fear is not unfounded. There was a WordPress blog I used to read, long before I started blogging. I loved that blog. I still remember it. Every word written was sooooo beautiful. But that blog ended up being protected. Thankfully, since I printed up dozens of posts from that blog (yeah I did that, I am that kind of crazy), at least I have something to remember, something to hang on to. Or else it would have all disappeared with all the things my memory can’t hold.
  2. I have a tendency to alienate myself. I may have friends and people who love and care for me. But I always think I am burden on others, because of the way I am. I am really moody and will suddenly change my behavior for no apparent reason. I find it hard to talk to people, I have this huge gulf that separates me from this world. It is very difficult to explain it in words. But let’s just say I find life easy to handle when I am on my own. Since I do not have to worry about others and how I might make them suffer directly/indirectly or how I might affect them in negative way.
  3. I don’t like to voice my opinions about disliking something. By ‘something’ I mean if I come across a book or a movie or a series or similar stuff, and if I don’t like it, I don’t post reviews or comments about not liking it. I will not even mention about that, until someone else takes up that topic and ask me specifically what is my opinion on that. I have four reasons for that: first, art is pretty subjective and I don’t want to discourage someone only because what they have created is not according to my taste; second, with time as my understanding of the world changes, I end up liking the stuff that I couldn’t before. I can now appreciate it because I can understand it; third, I don’t have time to spend on hating stuff, that is just too tiring, if I don’t like something I just move on to other stuff, no need for all the drama and fourth, I don’t think my opinions matter that much.
  4. In contradiction to the point above. If someone has written something or created something and is asking my opinion on it. I can be pretty brutal. I will end up writing essays on it. Most of the stuff I will tell will be pretty disheartening. It is because I think when someone is looking for feedback, it is to improve. But I also tell that what they can do to make it better. Constructive feedback. I specialize in it. 🙂 Some people find it useful, some people find it irritating. But since I won’t open my mouth until they ask me to, so I don’t think people need to worry about that much.
  5. In this whole process of writing poems. The two phases I hate most are: that dreadful time before I write and that irritating period after I write. I think I only like the actual process of writing. Before I write, I am pretty much convinced that I will never be able to write anything in my life again and after I write I don’t like what I have written. It is not that I hate my poems, I just think, I am repetitive. I feel I am writing the same thing again and again. But one of the reasons I can upload the poems (that I have no confidence in) is that I have posted worse poems and that means I am improving. I am just curious how much more I can improve.
  6. There is a serial called “Zindagi Gulzar Hai” and in that there is this character (protagonist) Kashaf. I feel that I am exactly like her. There is so much similarity, it seemed unreal when I first saw that (because I have seen the serial so many time, I have lost count). Even the kind of things she says.  But the good thing is, I like that character and ended up thinking I may not be as bad as I think I am. I am just being hard on myself. 🙂
  7. I spent last night listening to songs of Hope World. The songs are so awesome. Even though I have no clue what the lyrics mean (waiting for lyric videos to upload, what would we do without our precious translators). I know lyrics of only one song out of 7 songs of the mixtape hixtape 🙂 . And Hobi has done such a good job. And since we are on topic of mixtape. I also loved the AGUST D mixtape. I can relate more to the songs of this mixtape.  (Just so you know these are solo mixtape of BTS members. And it may not seem like a fact about me, but it is maybe the only meaningful thing on this list. In fact, this was the first fact I wrote on this list.)

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So that is the end of this post. (I hope I didn’t bore you. )

I would like to thank UNIVERSE FIREFLIE  once again who nominated me and have left such lovely comments on so many of my post. Thanks a lot dear. 🙂

 

 

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