Vincent Ehindero Blogger Award

After a long long time, I am back with another award post.
Roshni has nominated me for Vincent Ehindero Blogger Award. I am really thankful that she like my work and considered me worthy of mention on her blog. Means a lot.

Here is the link to the award post by Roshni: Vincent Ehindero Blogger Award

So here is rundown of the rules:

Rules
– Thank the person who nominated you with a link to their blog. (done)
– Make a post of the award (with a photo of the logo). (done)
– Post the rules (done)
– Ask 5-10 questions of your choice. (I won’t be posting any question as I won’t be nominating anyone)
– Nominate 10-30 other bloggers (or more) and notify them. (For last few award post I always skip this step of nominating people. Most of the people I follow don’t like to included in awards and stuff like that, so yeah. And it is too much work to filter out who do like it. So I have given up on the step of nominating.)

So here are the answers to the questions Roshni has posted:

What is the most interesting aspect of the place you belong to?
To be honest, I have never felt a sense of belonging to a specific place. The place that my family home is, the place I was born, the places I have lived are all different. We were on move so much, we never stayed at a place for more than 2-4 years. The place I am living currently living in, Bangalore, is the longest I have stayed somewhere. I do love the convenience of Bangalore, but again I do not have a sense of belonging to this place. All the places I have been I have fond memories of those places, they have contributed greatly to my childhood experiences. All these places, places I won’t ever belong to, places that will forever be in my memory nevertheless have taught me that people at their core are basically same. (It is one thing to read it and other to actually know it.)

Do you like quotes? If yes, which quote defines you? If no, ignore the question.
I love quotes. I love quotes because of the beauty with which they deliver a sentiment, a sentiment that can live without the context. I don’t necessarily think that quotes are the ultimate truth though. If there are 50 quotes in support a sentiment or a thought, there will 50 other quotes against that thought. It doesn’t necessarily prove anything but it is still beautiful.

I am not entirely sure if I can objectively describe myself in quotes. The quotes that I can relate to either make me sound more grand than I am or more pitiful that I am. So the quotes that you see below are just a compromise between how I see myself and how I guess the world sees me.

Quotes that define me:

“They say it’s good to let your grudges go, but I don’t know, I’m quite fond of my grudge. I tend it like a little pet.” 
– Liane Moriarty 

“I’m not sentimental—I’m as romantic as you are. The idea, you know, is that the sentimental person thinks things will last—the romantic person has a desperate confidence that they won’t.“
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

“She knew that was not an honest prayer, and she did not linger over it. The right prayer would have been, Lord . . . I am miserable and bitter at heart, and old fears are rising up in me so that everything I do makes everything worse.” 
– Marilynne Robinson

“Writers aren’t people exactly. Or, if they’re any good, they’re a whole lot of people trying so hard to be one person.”
– F. Scott Fitzgerald

For an accurate description of me, this is how my sister defines me :

infj (mbti) + cancer (zodiac) + sprinkle with some pixie dust & lots of love + lots of sarcastic humour

Following is a quote that defines my persona that I have as a poet (also, suggested by my sister):

“Today, too, I go on living just enough
Keeping in step, wearing my feet out just enough
The sun makes me breathless
The world has stripped me of all I have
Without a choice, with no other alternative,
Under the moonlight I am picking up my scattered self.“
-“4 O’Clock“, BTS RM &V

You wake up in the morning to find an alien(or Thanos) sitting on your chair reading your favorite book. How would you react? (No, I’m not mad; I do envision such scenarios ?? )
I think I would just go back to sleep. I am good at living in denial.
I don’t normally imagine such scenarios. I do daydream a lot, but my day dream would never fall into the category of fantasy, it is mostly about real life as it is. My daydreaming is mostly about what would happen 5-10 years from now, different scenarios of my future or of the people I love, or about a possible story that I am trying to flesh out.

What do you enjoy more- reading, writing or story-telling?
I like reading the most. Though I love writing and story telling as well, but I feel I have too many limitations in that. I feel I have a very narrow vision and hence very narrow range of what I write. I don’t really mind it, because this narrow view, is just me being me, being obsessed about something that I am interested in. But even though I like being confined to specific topic and specific style, I cannot negate the fact that they are redundant to some degree. I love reading most because I never know what I am in for. Every well-written book surprises me, moves me, makes me think in a way I never could have otherwise. So yeah, reading would be the most exciting thing.

What is the knowledgeable/wise thing you have learnt in your adulthood?
Wise things I learnt in adulthood, that have not necessarily eased my life, but anyway:

• Importance of reputation
  I have to work for the reputation I want. It doesn’t mean I am trying to become someone I am not. But if I fool around all the time, obviously no one is going to take me seriously. So even if I don’t get my sleep, even if I am sick or in pain, I will complete my work, I will be on time, I will not let down people. My dedication and sincerity lies in my actions and not in the words I speak casually. It doesn’t mean pushing myself for the sake of my image. It means if I mess up, everyone would know that I have my reasons. My mistakes will be mistakes, not something that I do just because I can or want to. It also means I don’t expect people to believe me or take my side, if my previous behavior makes their disbelief in me justifiable.
  
  Another quote:
  “I think both of you are going to have to take this to heart the way anyone who has ever changed anything about their lives has had to take it to heart: by making it not just a nice thing we say, but a hard thing we do.   
  It’s how the real work is done. “
  – Cheryl Strayed
  
• Minding my own business
  I cannot save everyone, not everyone needs saving, I am probably not qualified to make such assessment on other people, and I don’t think anyone is qualified for that. My morals, my likes, my wants, my decisions are only my business and not something I should project on others.
  Exception – I will voice my views of people who don’t know how to mind their own business. The key here is reciprocity.
  
• Being content
  Even though I might say that I don’t expect much in life. It is all a lie. I expect a lot. My standard are too high. My standards were higher when I was younger. I wanted a perfect family, perfect friend, perfect love, perfect job, and a perfect life. Not that I ever had it. At no point in my life I experienced perfection. Maybe that’s why I wanted it so much. But with time I realized, I didn’t need so much, I wanted only a little, I just wanted those little things to be true and permanent. I did’t want an adventurous or enviable life, I just wanted a peaceful life with things that I care about. I didn’t want a perfect person, but a person who is kind and understanding and on same page as me. I didn’t necessarily want that person to be my love or soulmate. I didn’t actually want a big dream or purpose. I tried to want all the grand things, because I was mistaken that what I have is my worth.
  But now more than anything I wanted only one thing – to wake up with hope, passion, and love for this world. I just wanted to be capable of loving and being gentle to this world. Once I would have once considered this as settling for bare minimum. But now I realize I actually need and want only this.
  
  Quote:
  Hodaka: “Dear God, if you exist, please don’t take anything more, and don’t give anything more.“
  –Weathering with You

Which blog post of yours is your favorite? (Kindly provide the link as we all can read and enjoy.)
I don’t have favorites among my work. Half of my work is just a bit better than the other half, that’s it.
So I am just listing here some poems that I had forgotten I had written and were sort of good:

“My Night Sky” – Nayana Nair

“What I Remember(4)” – Nayana Nair

“Far from Ideal” – Nayana Nair

Suggest 3 books for the readers.
3 books. Soooo tough. That is a really small number. If I select one book, it seems I am being unfair to other books.
But I must select as I can’t list all the books I have read till now, even that is not possible.
So anyway, here are 3 books that I can suggest you. These are books that have taught me something or have moved me, made me see and feel the world in a different way. There are many other books who have done the same for me, but let’s just consider this a starting point.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Oyasumi Punpun by Inio Asano
In the Light of What We Know by Zia Haider Rahman

Name a fear (if you have and if you’re comfortable in sharing) which you want to overcome.
I think all the fears that I have are there for a reason. I don’t mean to get rid of any of them because I know exactly why I fear what I fear. It is not an irrational fear but a rational one. (If you are vaguely interested in the sorts of ridiculous or nor so ridiculous fear I harbor, click here.)

So yeah that was all. Since we are at the end of the post I would like to thank Roshni again for the nomination and for liking my work.

Things that make me happy

universe fireflie has tagged me in this really sweet post about ten things that make me happy.
I will try to answer them to the best of my ability, but it is going to be tough. If you are aware of my writing, you would have noticed that I am more than capable of writing about sad depressing stuff. So writing about things that makes me happy is a bit weird for me. So before I make this more awkward…let’s start!!!
WARNING: This is a really really long post.

In no particular order…

My Sister
When I think of happiness, my sister is the first person that comes to my mind. It would be an understatement if I say that I am extremely fond of my sister. She is my favorite person in this world. I love how sweet she is, how much curiosity she has for the world, the genuine interests that we both share. Any day, anytime spent with her is bound to be filled with happiness- may it be the serene calm type of happiness or laughing out hearts out type happiness. She is crucial to my happiness.
I am lucky that I happen to be the sister of my best friend. 🙂
Afterthoughts: My sister draws really well. I am so proud of her that I can’t help but promote her work here. She will probably kill me for this though.
Here are the links to my sister’s work, if you are interested : WordPress, Instagram, and Youtube.

Books
I love to read. I am not sure if what I read is intellectual or refined enough. But I like what I like – mostly fiction and poetry. I think reading is what led me to have love for words and even for this world. Books make me believe that there is a meaning in everything, that life is meaningful. It is the kind of assurance that life by itself has never been able to give me. I wouldn’t categorize books into a means to escape from life, but rather a new layer to life that makes me more tolerant of people and world. I love buying books, reading them, finding more books to read. Even the sight of my bookshelf, the thought of all the books that I am yet to read, even adding a new book into my “to read” list makes me feel excited.
Afterthought: On that note, here is a quote from the book I am reading currently:
“Running might take her forward, it could even take her home; but it couldn’t take her back–not ten minutes, ten hours, not ten years or days. And that was tough, as Hely would say. Tough: since back was the way she wanted to go, since the past was the only place she wanted to be.”
― Donna Tartt, The Little Friend

BTS
I will try not to make this too long (because I know I am fully capable of turning this into a 8 hour presentation on BTS).
I love BTS. I love their music, their performances, their passion, their ethics, their character, etc. I cannot possibly explain what effect they have had on my life. I would say they have deepened my passions, made me believe in the goodness in world, and made me believe in the goodness that I am capable of. My life is thousand times better with them in it. They have touched and changes millions of lives through their music, through their existence. I wish they also find the happiness that they want.
I low-key love ARMY – BTS fans who have showered them with all the love they deserve and who try to protect them as much as they can.
Afterthoughts: I think almost every person has one artist whose works resonates with them. BTS just happens to be that artist whose work has most effect on me. I think we should treasure that, always remember that feeling of looking at life with a person who just happens to think about life the same way we do. It is not about supremacy of one artist over other, about loving the artist that made you understand and love ourselves.

Music
My love for music is equivalent to my love of books. Maybe I love music a bit more than books. Each song that I love or like is an experience in itself, those few minutes makes me forget myself and sometimes remind who I am and who I was. I can listen to the same song many many times and only to love it more. I do not have a favorite genre or anything. I think it solely depends on the song.
Afterthoughts:
-Even though I try to explore as many songs as possible in as many language as possible, but most of the time I am not aware of the “popular” stuff. You might even think I am living under a rock. Now, I do not believe that popular songs are bad or good. I am not a person who is against mainstream music. It is just that I am so caught up in the things that I like that I do not get time to even look at other stuff. I sort of live in my own bubble.
– BTS gets its own separate point here, because my love for them is on a whole new level. Their music is awesome. But they are so much more than their music. Stanning BTS is a way of life.

Writing
I think I am a person who has zero confidence in herself. I do not think I am especially gifted in anything. I am not particularly intelligent or beautiful or funny or creative. And I take writing in the same spirit. I do not think I am exceptional at writing, but I love writing. I love the fact that I can write average good stuff some days. I love the 2000 lines of drafts that will never make to a post. When I write, I love how much clearer and focused my head is. I love my writing more when someone else find comfort in my words. I agree that writing with a regular job is difficult and bit pressurizing but writing gives me such joy, that I don’t think I can possibly quit writing.
Afterthoughts: I once heard about a rule that one cannot estimate themselves correctly. So I am probably worse or better than what I think I am. I hope my writing is better than what I think it is.

Internet
There were so many things to list here, so I collectively grouped them as “internet”. But then who doesn’t love internet. It is sort of basic thing that a lot of us take for granted. Having access to so much content, so much information makes me happy. I love the hour that I uselessly spend on looking at memes, the hours I spend playing and upgrading stuff on games that will take me nowhere in life, the hour I spend on watching videos, all the silly hilarious stuff that I retweet at 2 am, binge reading everything about MBTI on Quora, reading random articles that I will end up forgetting anyways. Though it is just a stream of easy to consume media, but still it does make us happy in some ways. And that happiness is significant in itself.
Afterthoughts: I am aware everything is not picture perfect on internet. Internet depresses us also. But with I have learnt to leave online spaces that make me feel bad about myself uselessly.
I am not good with interacting with people online, that is one thing that I cannot enjoy. It is not about whether these people are friends or strangers. I just have a feeling that I have nothing to say that the other person would be interested to know about. (That’s the reason that I silently like your posts rather than leaving the comment you deserve.)
I don’t like to stay online for long also. The moment I finish doing what I had in my mind, I switch off my data. Because I just can’t handle all the notifications. I like the dear old SMS to communicate rather than the new efficient apps with awesome features.

Series/Movies/Stories
Watching series and movies is another joy to me, something that I spend a lot of my time on. Every thing I have watched, every character that I have watched is equivalent to a life that I have lived briefly. I don’t do binge watch though. I like some time to think over everything. That is the pace I am comfortable – to watch something and reflect on it, think about it, to anticipate what is yet to come for the whole day. I think that feeling the story grow in you as you go about your everyday life is an essential part of the whole experience, a part that adds more importance to what I am watching.
Afterthoughts: Again as with music, I have no idea of the popular stuff. I just see what I end up finding. I do have list of stuff to see but that is based on word-of-mouth suggestion from people who like the same things as me.
I do not have a favorite movie or series or book. Naming favorites is too tough for me. For each story, each actor, each director etc. has their own charm. That would be like comparing apples to oranges.

Everything emotional/sentimental/sort of spiritual
I do not look like an emotional person, but I am. I am an INFJ with Cancer zodiac, what else can you expect but an over-sentimental person. I like anything that seeks to explore or talk about these sentiment, anything that values human emotions and shows how complicated and simple it can be. Similarly, I have same feeling about works related to spirituality. I enjoy the company of people who genuinely have something to talk on these topics. I am not into talking about people but talking about ideas. Not the ideas that change the world, but ideas that helps me understand why we feel the way we feel, ideas that give me insight into the tiny limited world.
Afterthought: I think I am not one of those people who can or want to change the world. My mind never wanders into that direction. All I think about is my understanding of world and how to perfect that understanding. Sometimes I think I am a narcissist and self-absorbed person because of that.

Lazing around/Sleeping
I don’t react well to stress. So I am always looking forward to a good sleep or a day without schedules or deadline. A day that I can waste away makes me happy. Even though lazing around for me again means books/music/series etc. Even when it is not busy it is still a busy life.

Being Busy
As much as I like lazing around, I like being busy more. Because of my sense of being less than average and constant feeling of not being good enough. I don’t handle free time well. I feel that no one needs me, the world will work without me also. That I have nothing to offer to world. It is a very sad feeling. So I try to do my work properly, try to do by best in everything. I like the days that I have work myself to point of losing all my energy. So that I can enjoy all the things I love (everything mentioned above) without guilt.
Afterthought: It is not that I cannot sit still or introspect without driving myself to the point of sadness. I like introspection a lot. But having days and weeks of time for just introspection makes me feel like a useless person.

Things that almost made to this list but didn’t (and why):

Food
I used to enjoy eating a lot. I still love good food. But I can’t eat or enjoy it as I used to. Something has changed in me, maybe I am growing old. Now I don’t have that much craze for it.

Friends
I don’t think I am good at friendship. I loved my friends while I was with them. But then apart from the brief time of companionship, there nothing much left of those time now. My expectation from friendship I think is a bit too much. I think in the long run friendships don’t give me happiness.

“The Scale of 1 to 10 (part 4)” – Nayana Nair

I have been collecting books on building sandcastles from the the remains of things humans leave behind. This is all I have ever read – how and where to find the stones called history, how to grind them so fine that they can forget themselves.
In my hands they become another extra leg of the ever wobbling chair that already looks like a monster, the miniature castle no one can live in, the gigantic dinosaur that won’t get the chance to destroy this world, the skyless blue that will keep dripping from the ceilings as long as people want to see the rain that won’t ruin the glow of their skin.

 "People burn lamps of clarified butter
  I've ignited the lamp of my heart.
  People swear on their faithfulness
  I've eaten the poison of separation.
  People lose their heart in love.
  People lose their heart in love.
  I've also lost myself.
  But still me getting extinguished
  Was liked by my beloved"
  -"Luttna", Cocktail

 "Giving and receiving scars is part of being human
  And I don’t think I was really scared of that.
  I clashed against things like I was going to break
  And I don’t think I was really scared of that."
  -"Green Nocturne", Nell

 "sometimes the roof of feeling leaks,
  we remember old thirst,
  but new clouds dance and rain,
  they kiss the forehead with chains of drops..
  it's the time to get soaked,
  a new weather is standing nearby,
  it's a small, but big thing.."
  -"Dhoop Ke Makaan Sa", Break Ke Baad

 "I guess that I
  I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart"
  -"We are young", Fun.

I love to hold exhibitions where people can look at something beautiful enough to make them cry and not even realizing that they are looking at something they never wanted to see again, that they are looking at themselves the way they never wanted to.
They might not understand this, but I do.
The “unnecessary” that is so easy to cast away is the only thing that their heart wants. That is the only happiness that feels like happiness.

 "We imagined the future we saw together 
  on top of that high hill where a blue wind was blowing.
  We launched a big paper airplane which flew anywhere, 
  carried by the wind.
  You laughed loudly as you saw my distant look.
  Your hat was blown off by a gust of wind, so I ran to catch it"
  -"Control Tower", Galileo Galilei

 "The headlight that shines into my heart
  has become completely clean.
  All of your memories fade out.
  Inside the storm, my heart is green light"
  -"Eraser", Taeyeon

 "Cuz I taste you in every shot that I take down
  But I feel so hollow"
  -"Here Come The Regrets", Epik High

No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
Helpless they may be, ignorant more so.
But all who seek reality and stability have killed someone or something that was too weak to protect itself. That is how we become good enough, deserving, suitable to live in this world.
The ones who suffer grow up eventually. But they grow less and less each day.
So knowing this, how I am I supposed to hate these murderers? How can I not save all they burn as they cry?

 "Fear takes a hold of me and my heart grows heavy.
  And a sigh comes out of my mouth again.
  Time made me into an adult,
  but I don’t think it made me strong.
  Time made me into an adult
  but it made me that much more of a fool"
  -"Green nocturne", Nell

 "I am still the same person I was before
  I am here, the same person I was from before, but
  An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole"
  -"Lie", Jimin (BTS)

 "Here comes the rain
  So many scars never fade
  This is the price of war
  And we've paid with time"
  -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock

 "Today is a winding road that's taking me to places 
  that I didn't want to go
  Today in the blink of an eye
  I'm holding on to something and I do not know why.
  I tried"
  -"Thunder", Boys like Girls

So when they start hearing voices, when they feel that none of their masks fit their faces filled with fear- they come to me.
As they wait reading magazines filled with faces, bodies, lives, circumstances that are better than theirs, I sculpt a lie for them.
I call it a lie, because that is easy to accept, easy to display in their living room. Unlike truth, seeing it or showing it does not involve damage estimation.
This is how I make a scratch on the face of reality even when my hands are tied. This is the only happy ending I can give them, the only happy ending they can accept.

 "This field is lined with the brave
  Souls in relief
  We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say
  (Whatever it takes)
  Fight fight till your fears, they go away"
  -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock

 "Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope
  I'm wrapped up in vines
  I think we'll make it out
  But you just gotta give me time
  Strike me down with lightning
  Let me feel you in my veins
  I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain"
  -"Thunder", Boys like Girls

 "So if by the time the bar closes
  And you feel like falling down
  I'll carry you home"
  -"We are young", Fun.

No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
But they are weak. We are weak.
I need to save them. So they can save me somehow.
In their tears, I see the tears that I have not learnt to shed.

 "Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
  Just a second we're not broken just bent, 
  and we can learn to love again"
  -"Just Give me a Reason", Pink

 "We fight, fight till we see another day.
  Whatever it takes."
  -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock

 "Carry me home tonight"
  -"We are young", Fun.

The Scale of 1 to 10 (part 2)” – Nayana Nair

#about the street where we won’t meet

There is a street in my mind, where an often underappreciated singer sings about a love that stands just across the street. Forever they stand there, one trying make up combinations of words, variations of beautiful verses – not to win her heart, but to beg the world to keep her beautiful memory alive. Forever her image hovers and floats above the ground, but he is too faraway to notice.

   Well the first time that I saw her
   Standing in the middle of the road
   Eyes as bright as Christmas lights
   Wearing someone else’s clothes
   I did my best to ignore her
   But ignoring my best pretty soon
    - "Words", Passenger

   I’m opening my eyes
   I see you
   I shake my hands
   So your image scatters
   No matter how much I do that
   How often I do that
   Still, in front of me
   You are smiling
    - "Opening My Eyes", Zitten

And this is where my mind is stuck. Not at the numerous meetings leading to heartbreak, not at the years that passed too slowly, not at the will to live and smile that grew weary too fast, not at the silent ending that is more serene than happy.
My mind is stuck at the point where I am stuck in my life.

   Even tomorrow I will see you
   Even tomorrow, I will hear you
   Even tomorrow, everything will be the same as today
   -"Time Spent Walking Through Memories", Nell

   I want to remain
   I want to dream more
   …
   I’m just walking and walking, among this darkness
   My happy times asked me this question
   You, are you really okay, it asked me
   Oh no
   -"Awake", Jin (BTS)

There are roads that I cannot cross and always at the other end stands someone or something too beautiful to be ignored. There stands a poem I wish I had written, there stands an alien undecipherable tear that I wish I could understand. There is a torn down building that feels like a home that I should yearn for. There is a pile of love letters that I never got to read. There is horde of faces I couldn’t trust, but I wished to. There is everything I could have been, if I only had the courage to be selfish.

   You were so precious
   Countless memories that you placed
   In all of those moments
   In all of those times
   You were always beautiful
   -"Opening My Eyes", Zitten

   Even within some stranger’s figure passing on the street
   Even above the leaves riding the wind with a lonely dance
   Even within the air brushing past my cheeks on some evening
   In everything I see, hear and feel
   You are there
   Yeah, and how are you?
   …
   Even on that big empty chair left on the side of the street
   Even in the glass I thoughtlessly filled to drink some water
   Even within the mirror I face to look at myself
   Even within the music secretly sitting in deeper from the edge of my ear
   You are there
   -"Time Spent Walking through Memories", Nell

   The last thing you taught me
   Is that there are types of happiness that don’t come back
   -"Lemon", Kenshi Yonezu

   And besides, you probably don’t know how much I was saved by you
   -"Melancholy Kitchen", Kenshi Yonezu

This is what my world is made of, this what this world is to me. Something I feel and love with all my heart, with every drop of my existence. Yet something that is too far away, only because my feet are glued to this piece of land. Because I want to stay here far enough to not ruin anything so good.

   Oh moon, My moon
   I’m not trying to embrace you
   I know that you are too immense
   To fit into my arms
   …
   Oh moon, My moon
   I’m not trying to own you
   The reason why you’re so dazzling to me
   Is because I am a pitch-black night
   -"Dear Moon", JeHwi 

   Letting it go
   Seeing your light
   Living my life away from you
   Being your light
   Far from you
   -"Aurora", Savina & Drones

There is a street in my mind where the lover and the loved are always separated. Here they stay forever in each other’s sight. On that street love never ends, love never ask for practicality, never gets hurt nor does it get tired of waiting. Here the love doesn’t ask for approval of this world. Here no one changes. My feelings, here, are not something to be hidden away, or to be lied about. Here my feelings, my attachment is not a nuisance, but the only meaning that I need to live.

   Since then, when I think of you
   —Someone I loved
   More than I ever thought—
   My breath stops
   -"Lemon", Kenshi Yonezu

   But if i could
   I would love
   To be the light
   Just the light
   That shines upon you
   -"End Roll", Androp

   Memories that spill down
   Words that endlessly come up
   How can I hold you back?
   I’ll be here
   I’ll be here
   -"Opening My Eyes", Zitten

   All the angels who know pain
   Flying on damaged wings through the night
   Every time I'm thinking about love
   Every time I'm thinking about love
   I don't wanna listen to just happy songs
   I'll face my loneliness, color my life
   -"Lights", BTS

   Inside my blue dream
   I want to hold you
   -"Blue Side", J-Hope (BTS)

   Maybe I'm a dreamer
   Or maybe I'm just fallen' apart
   I put it all on the table for you to see
   That you and I, that's what we are
   -"Waiting For You", Grizfolk

Miserable

So I thought,
let’s make a resolution and a promise.
The situation can be miserable
but let’s not make myself miserable.
Let’s not insult myself.

-Park Jimin, BTS (Vlive)

Sunshine Blogger Award

I am doing an award post after a long long time.
What resulted in this delay?
Something as simple as losing track of where I had saved the text file where I had made a list of posts to respond to. Sorry about that. 😦

Now PritAmDas had nominated me for Sunshine Blogger Award sometime in November last year (as I said, it’s been really long time).
I am thankful that you remembered by blog to nominate. I am flattered to think that my blog (my work) is worth keeping in mind.
Here is a link to the post:

https://iliveinfantasy.wordpress.com/2018/11/27/sunshine-blogger-award/

Earlier I used to stick to the rules of awards and all. But now I am a total rebel. I only do the portion of answering questions and almost never nominate anyone these days. The thing I like most about awards is the questions. Because sometimes in answering questions I end up knowing lot about myself and you can also get to know what Nayana is like when I am not writing depressing poems. (I want to reassure you once again that my life is not as sad I write.)

So here are my answers to the questions from PritAmDas:

What do you do when you are bored of doing the same thing again and again?
It is in my nature to not get bored of doing same things again and again. In fact I like routine more than adventure. So that will never happen.
But there are days I don’t like doing anything, nothing interest me. Those days I don’t do anything and such days also pass. Those days very very rare
though.

Do you sometimes step backward and observe? If yes.. what??
Yes, I do that a lot. I step back and observe myself, life in general, people whom I thought I knew and understood. It is a painful and enlightening thing to do, but ends up making me feel helpless because it makes me realize I can never completely know anyone, not even myself.

What you do to make your loved ones happy?
I try to be in good mood, spend time doing what they like, talking to them till late night. In short, being myself and being nice is enough to keep my loved ones happy. They are pretty simple and awesome people to be around.

Tell me when you have gone out of control and behaved like a freak?
That happens quite often. I mostly act like a freak when I am hungry. I overreact, shout a lot, get angry, get irritated with small things (and sometimes it is funny to witness because at that point I have no idea what I am saying and can spew lot of non-sense). So it would be correct to say, depriving me of food or being near a food deprived Nayana can be harmful for anyone’s peace of mind.

If you would have given a time machine what would you do and why?
After watching all the series and drama with time travel trope, I have reached a conclusion – Time travel does no good to anyone. I do not want to change anything or meet anyone. I can’t handle the complications that come with time travel.
Maybe if I can see something in past without going in past, then I may like to see how Nalanda University looked like. I have been always curious about this from childhood and not sure why. But that would be it.

What is your favorite TV series?
This is very very very tough question. There are so many and even attempting to list them would be a crime.
So I can share with you the series I finished watched recently and loved a lot and that would be The Package. It was a really good series about a group of people visiting France and their tour guide. It is sweet and emotional. After watching that series Mont-Saint-Michel is now on my to-visit-before-I-die list of places.

The series that I am watching again currently is Moonlovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. It was such a good series. I am watching it for third time and it gets
better every time I watch. My favorite character is Wang So.

What do you think love is? In present society?
Love for me is to care and to be cared for. Love is to be stubborn and to not give up. Love is to know that this person will always stand by you no matter
what.
I know it doesn’t apply for everyone because for everyone love means something else.
As far as present society is concerned, I do not want to comment or judge how people try to find love and be in love and how long their love last. Not only because I consider it rude, but it is insensitive as well. I have not lived their life and can never know what makes them do what they do. And to blame and criticize an age or a generation is not something I like to do. (I only complain about such things if they bug me personally)

If someone truly loves you but you don’t know due to some reason what would you do ?
If I don’t know, then there is nothing for me to do in that.

If you like memes then what was your favorite and if you don’t then why?
I like memes a lot, but I do not use them much.
My favorite ones are that of BTS. Because they are my favorite artist/celebrities ever, so theirs are the only memes that I have in my phone. Here are some of their memes. (Not sure if it is everyone’s cup of tea, cause some of them requires context)

–

Have you ever done something awkward and when asked you have denied? Then what you had done?
I mispronounce words all the time. But when someone points it out, I deny having said anything wrong. I put it on them that they heard it wrong.
I don’t admit my mistakes that easily,(even if I know that I have done something wrong ), that is a whole big issue of my life.

What makes you feel special?
When I achieve something, finish something by my efforts, I feel that I am capable of doing something in life- that makes me feel special. I consider myself not so talented, and the only thing I am good at is hard work. When that hard work pays off, it is one the best feelings in world.

At this moment I realize that by this post I have bombarded you with lots of drama pics and BTS memes. Sorry for that, but I couldn’t stop myself.

Now since we are at the end of this post, I would like to thank PritAmDas once again for nominating me and liking my work.

Also, FrejaTravels had nominated me for Mystery Blogger Award. I want to thank them as well for it. Again I apologize for the delay. I have answered their questions in the following post : Mystery Blogger Award. (You may have to scroll a lot, till you reach “Edited on 12 March 2019”)

Edited on: September 3, 2020

Ishita Gupta has nominated me for this award on June 2020. I am really thankful to her considering me in her nominations. Means a lot. Do visit her wonderful blog.

Here is the link to her post: https://thoughtsresonate.home.blog/2020/06/12/sunshine-blogger-award/

So here are the answers to the question she had posted (I tried to answer them as truly as I can):

What do you love to do, except blogging?
I love reading (mostly fiction), listening to music, watching series/movies/anime, learning languages (I am not at all good at this, as I do not have the discipline for learning on my own. It is difficult to make a a significant progress without discipline.). Apart from writing poems, I rarely do anything in terms of creating, most of what I like to do is to consume art.

Is there anything on your bucket list, which you could share with us?
First thing on my bucket list is attending BTS concert. (and also to watch them succeed in life and reach the highest potential of who they can be as an artist and as a person).
Other things that are there on my bucket list, that are a bit more abstract and without an end. They would be having a library full of all beautiful books and having the best collection of music, every music that is of my type, I want to know about it, to fall in love with it. I think this obsession of collecting things don’t stop with books and music, it applies to every good movie, series, animation, MVs. I think it would be easier to say I am hoarder of art and I want to enjoy this hoarding. 🙂 I am that weird person who experiences a work of art and ends up thinks the world has a bit more meaning because of its existence. I am melodramatic like that. (As I write this answer I am listening to “I LUV U” by Henry. It is a beautiful song. You can check it out if you are interested. Don’t forget to enable captions. :))

Is there any place in the world, that you desperately want to visit? Or someplace that has already captured your heart?
I don’t think I have a place like that in mind. I do like the idea of visiting Korea or Japan or other countries and places that I have seen on screen. It would be nice if I could but I don’t have the yearning to go anywhere. It is almost like, if I can go, well and good; if not, then it doesn’t matter. I think rather than just visiting a place, I like the idea of living there. When I see a place that I have not been to, what goes through my mind is “What would it be like if I woke up everyday to this city? How would it feel like to go to school here? How would it be like to experience every climate this place has day by day?” I think more than sight seeing or seeing just the good and the bad of the place briefly, I am more interested in knowing how living in a certain place feels like. I guess I am curious about how other people live their life.
That being said, I like to travel, but only in the right company. For me it doesn’t matter where I go, but with whom I am going. With wrong people, even the most beautiful and fun place can turn loneliest or frustrating place on earth.
(I have a feeling that I have answered this question all wrong.)

Do you like reading? If yes, could you share 5 of your favourite books?
I love reading.
Giving recommendation for books is a really tough task. If I pick one book, it feels I have wronged some other book. So what I am listing here is not the best books ever (that list doesn’t exist for me). This is a list of book that I have either read recently or the books that are coming to my mind right now:

1. “Alex” by Pierre Lemaitre
2. “Difficult Women” by Roxane Gay
3. “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” by Stephen Chbosky
4. “Crank” by Ellen Hopkins
5. “HYYH The Notes 1 (The Most Beautiful Moment in Life #1)” by Big Hit Entertainment

The last book “HYYH The Notes 1” is a part of Bangtan Universe storyline, a part of the story that is still going on. To completely understand and enjoy this book you would have to be familiar with this storyline that has been progressing (for few years) with music videos, songs, notes, etc. It is a rabbit hole and will take a lot of time if you want to get to know it. Just a disclaimer, that starting with this book without knowing the rest of storyline won’t be wise. But that being said experiencing HYYH story in overall is a very rewarding experience. Getting to know the incomplete story through music and lyrics and beautiful visuals and written word is a beautiful experience in its own. It makes you feel all kind of emotions. Some videos that can help you to introduce are this, this, and this.

If given a chance, would you like to change something about yourself ? If yes, what?
I would like to be more confident person. I do have many faults, but I am used to them. I have to some extent realized why my faults exist and how I would rather be the person that I am, because it all makes sense. But the one thing that always causes issues for me in life is my lack of confidence. I am not sure if I will ever have that. I always thought it would get better as I grow up, but things just went worse.

What is your life mantra?
Working hard. Dedicating myself to whatever you are doing. Living on emotions. Maintaining harmony. Loving passionately. Trying my best.

Do you have any weird phobias? Or any phobias?
I fear every thing. I think everything can cause harm. My mind sometimes work in “Final Destination” mode. But it is not like I am running from every place, living in paranoia locked up in home. It is more of like my mind just won’t stop processing how things can go wrong, how potentially harmful everything can be. It just keeps me on my toes and makes me distrustful.

What does an empty room remind you of?
It reminds of all the things that I could fill it up with. Of all the things that could change this place into a warm place one would look forward to return to. Empty room reminds me of potential of what it can be turned into.

What is your biggest pet peeve?
This is the first time I have been asked this question. I have not yet given it that serious thought. But if I had to list one thing it would – people who try to force their opinion on me.
I all in favor of independent thinking and I am fine if someone has a totally different opinion than mine. I am ready to discuss these differences also.
But what I hate is when in that discussion people try to tell me that I am wrong and they are right and that I should adopt their thinking because it is right.
We all have a certain idea or conclusive thought about a certain topic because of what we have been through, how and what we have lived through, what we have observed. When I meet someone who has totally differnt opinion than mine, I never try to convince them they are wrong. I try to get them know more, I try to understand what makes them think so, I want to know the life lived behind these ideas. I try my best to understand them without toning down my opinion on that subject. Even when they are wrong, I may tell them what lead me to have a certain belief, so they can decide for themselves if they need to revise the ideas they have.
Byut what people do is they start this discussion, turn it into an argument, turn this into a stage from where they can shout out their propaganda and won’t back down till the other person gives up and backs off.
I hate when people act like they will accept these difference of opinion and start these discussion but are just setting up stage to preach their own values, disregarding my experience and voice.
(That is one of the reason I never start these discussion, because I know where it will all lead to.)

What’s your spirit animal?
Panda.

What motivates you to write?
My love for literature and art actually is a hindrance for my writing. Cause they have resulted in such high standards in my mind that nothing I write is good enough. Because of these standards I sometimes feel like destroying everything I have written till now.
What makes me write is curiosity. I am curious of how I will end up writing if I continue to write.
Also, there is something about writing that is addicting. Even though it is hard work, even though it sometimes turn into pure torture. But I keep coming back to it. On some days when I can overlook what literature should be and shouldn’t be, I look back at something I had written, something I had forgotten about and I feel a sense of happiness in having created something that feels so true. But that feeling lasts only for few moments before my minds switches to analysis mode and I end up seeing everything wrong with what I write. But I think having those few moments of happiness are something I could never have felt if I didn’t write.

Effort makes you

Versatile Blogger Award

Hi,

So my soul sister UNIVERSE FIREFLIE nominated me for this award. Thanks a lot dear. 🙂 I am flattered that you like my blog and you thought of it. If you have not visited her blog, do visit. She writes wonderful stuff. 🙂 :D. Here is a link to her post on this award:(Click here)

So the rules:

-> 7 facts about me. (reminds me of those introduction in new schools, which made me so tense that I would end up forgetting who I am)

-> Nominate 15 bloggers for the award. (I might skip this rule, not sure, but today I don’t feel like doing this)

Facts:

(Warning: This can be boring. I am not that interesting person.)

1. I have maybe 2-3 diaries filled with quotes and the number of diaries will keep on increasing. I love making note of every beautiful thing I ever read. I like to hoard them as if they will not be there tomorrow. I feel I would forget all the things I have read, so I must make sure that I write them down (I don’t write quotes from the books/novels that I have bought, cause I have the book itself) And my fear is not unfounded. There was a WordPress blog I used to read, long before I started blogging. I loved that blog. I still remember it. Every word written was sooooo beautiful. But that blog ended up being protected. Thankfully, since I printed up dozens of posts from that blog (yeah I did that, I am that kind of crazy), at least I have something to remember, something to hang on to. Or else it would have all disappeared with all the things my memory can’t hold.
2. I have a tendency to alienate myself. I may have friends and people who love and care for me. But I always think I am burden on others, because of the way I am. I am really moody and will suddenly change my behavior for no apparent reason. I find it hard to talk to people, I have this huge gulf that separates me from this world. It is very difficult to explain it in words. But let’s just say I find life easy to handle when I am on my own. Since I do not have to worry about others and how I might make them suffer directly/indirectly or how I might affect them in negative way.
3. I don’t like to voice my opinions about disliking something. By ‘something’ I mean if I come across a book or a movie or a series or similar stuff, and if I don’t like it, I don’t post reviews or comments about not liking it. I will not even mention about that, until someone else takes up that topic and ask me specifically what is my opinion on that. I have four reasons for that: first, art is pretty subjective and I don’t want to discourage someone only because what they have created is not according to my taste; second, with time as my understanding of the world changes, I end up liking the stuff that I couldn’t before. I can now appreciate it because I can understand it; third, I don’t have time to spend on hating stuff, that is just too tiring, if I don’t like something I just move on to other stuff, no need for all the drama and fourth, I don’t think my opinions matter that much.
4. In contradiction to the point above. If someone has written something or created something and is asking my opinion on it. I can be pretty brutal. I will end up writing essays on it. Most of the stuff I will tell will be pretty disheartening. It is because I think when someone is looking for feedback, it is to improve. But I also tell that what they can do to make it better. Constructive feedback. I specialize in it. 🙂 Some people find it useful, some people find it irritating. But since I won’t open my mouth until they ask me to, so I don’t think people need to worry about that much.
5. In this whole process of writing poems. The two phases I hate most are: that dreadful time before I write and that irritating period after I write. I think I only like the actual process of writing. Before I write, I am pretty much convinced that I will never be able to write anything in my life again and after I write I don’t like what I have written. It is not that I hate my poems, I just think, I am repetitive. I feel I am writing the same thing again and again. But one of the reasons I can upload the poems (that I have no confidence in) is that I have posted worse poems and that means I am improving. I am just curious how much more I can improve.
6. There is a serial called “Zindagi Gulzar Hai” and in that there is this character (protagonist) Kashaf. I feel that I am exactly like her. There is so much similarity, it seemed unreal when I first saw that (because I have seen the serial so many time, I have lost count). Even the kind of things she says.  But the good thing is, I like that character and ended up thinking I may not be as bad as I think I am. I am just being hard on myself. 🙂
7. I spent last night listening to songs of Hope World. The songs are so awesome. Even though I have no clue what the lyrics mean (waiting for lyric videos to upload, what would we do without our precious translators). I know lyrics of only one song out of 7 songs of the mixtape hixtape 🙂 . And Hobi has done such a good job. And since we are on topic of mixtape. I also loved the AGUST D mixtape. I can relate more to the songs of this mixtape.  (Just so you know these are solo mixtape of BTS members. And it may not seem like a fact about me, but it is maybe the only meaningful thing on this list. In fact, this was the first fact I wrote on this list.)

So that is the end of this post. (I hope I didn’t bore you. )

I would like to thank UNIVERSE FIREFLIE  once again who nominated me and have left such lovely comments on so many of my post. Thanks a lot dear. 🙂