a broken end
with a light
(a lighter duller than me)
says the magic words,
the loathsome words
that make me the old alice.
i am made to leave
the seat, the home,
the dream, the rights
that are too big for me.
they leave me a tiny suitcases
filled with fancy dresses
made of used socks and handkerchiefs.
they are cute,
they are kind,
they have read their fairy tales right.
i have never read the right books,
so i find myself unable to thank them
or kiss their hands.
thumblina says my new belongings in glitter
i do not know what this name means
or the fate that the owner of this name is meant to find
but i have heard it is better than being an alice.
(i liked being alice more
i liked a story written for my sake.)
as i walk into the new forest,
towards hopefully my last story
or at least a story i can make my own for once,
i can’t help but think of
all the laughing men, now laughing giants
fixing my home to their liking.
i can’t help but be a bit bitter
looking at my hands that can only build for people like them.
Tag Archives: build
a broken end
I have been collecting books on building sandcastles from the the remains of things humans leave behind. This is all I have ever read – how and where to find the stones called history, how to grind them so fine that they can forget themselves.
In my hands they become another extra leg of the ever wobbling chair that already looks like a monster, the miniature castle no one can live in, the gigantic dinosaur that won’t get the chance to destroy this world, the skyless blue that will keep dripping from the ceilings as long as people want to see the rain that won’t ruin the glow of their skin.
"People burn lamps of clarified butter I've ignited the lamp of my heart. People swear on their faithfulness I've eaten the poison of separation. People lose their heart in love. People lose their heart in love. I've also lost myself. But still me getting extinguished Was liked by my beloved" -"Luttna", Cocktail
"Giving and receiving scars is part of being human And I don’t think I was really scared of that. I clashed against things like I was going to break And I don’t think I was really scared of that." -"Green Nocturne", Nell
"sometimes the roof of feeling leaks, we remember old thirst, but new clouds dance and rain, they kiss the forehead with chains of drops.. it's the time to get soaked, a new weather is standing nearby, it's a small, but big thing.." -"Dhoop Ke Makaan Sa", Break Ke Baad
"I guess that I I just thought maybe we could find new ways to fall apart" -"We are young", Fun.
I love to hold exhibitions where people can look at something beautiful enough to make them cry and not even realizing that they are looking at something they never wanted to see again, that they are looking at themselves the way they never wanted to.
They might not understand this, but I do.
The “unnecessary” that is so easy to cast away is the only thing that their heart wants. That is the only happiness that feels like happiness.
"We imagined the future we saw together on top of that high hill where a blue wind was blowing. We launched a big paper airplane which flew anywhere, carried by the wind. You laughed loudly as you saw my distant look. Your hat was blown off by a gust of wind, so I ran to catch it" -"Control Tower", Galileo Galilei
"The headlight that shines into my heart has become completely clean. All of your memories fade out. Inside the storm, my heart is green light" -"Eraser", Taeyeon
"Cuz I taste you in every shot that I take down But I feel so hollow" -"Here Come The Regrets", Epik High
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
Helpless they may be, ignorant more so.
But all who seek reality and stability have killed someone or something that was too weak to protect itself. That is how we become good enough, deserving, suitable to live in this world.
The ones who suffer grow up eventually. But they grow less and less each day.
So knowing this, how I am I supposed to hate these murderers? How can I not save all they burn as they cry?
"Fear takes a hold of me and my heart grows heavy. And a sigh comes out of my mouth again. Time made me into an adult, but I don’t think it made me strong. Time made me into an adult but it made me that much more of a fool" -"Green nocturne", Nell
"I am still the same person I was before I am here, the same person I was from before, but An overgrown lie is trying to swallow me whole" -"Lie", Jimin (BTS)
"Here comes the rain So many scars never fade This is the price of war And we've paid with time" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Today is a winding road that's taking me to places that I didn't want to go Today in the blink of an eye I'm holding on to something and I do not know why. I tried" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
So when they start hearing voices, when they feel that none of their masks fit their faces filled with fear- they come to me.
As they wait reading magazines filled with faces, bodies, lives, circumstances that are better than theirs, I sculpt a lie for them.
I call it a lie, because that is easy to accept, easy to display in their living room. Unlike truth, seeing it or showing it does not involve damage estimation.
This is how I make a scratch on the face of reality even when my hands are tied. This is the only happy ending I can give them, the only happy ending they can accept.
"This field is lined with the brave Souls in relief We'll fight fight till there's nothing left to say (Whatever it takes) Fight fight till your fears, they go away" -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Yeah I'm walking on a tightrope I'm wrapped up in vines I think we'll make it out But you just gotta give me time Strike me down with lightning Let me feel you in my veins I wanna let you know how much I feel your pain" -"Thunder", Boys like Girls
"So if by the time the bar closes And you feel like falling down I'll carry you home" -"We are young", Fun.
No one is innocent, no one is blameless.
But they are weak. We are weak.
I need to save them. So they can save me somehow.
In their tears, I see the tears that I have not learnt to shed.
"Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough Just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again" -"Just Give me a Reason", Pink
"We fight, fight till we see another day. Whatever it takes." -"Fight the Night", One Ok Rock
"Carry me home tonight" -"We are young", Fun.
why is it so
that i can only choose love if i let myself look weak.
it should have been easy to look weak and crumbling,
when that is what i feel all the time.
but it isn’t easy.
maybe because the weakness of my heart has never made me look incompetent,
it just made me look cold and aloof.
being good for nothing is more tragic than being broken or being hated.
how hard i have tried all my life to be good at something.
so that i am not useless, so that people don’t leave me behind on purpose,
so that i can at least look like someone capable and not be embarrassed of myself.
after all the years of running around
and making myself believe
that soon, soon i will become someone i can be proud of;
instead of finding myself, i find you.
i find the in myself the want
to let go of this control, that hurts my hands,
but letting go hurts my pride.
somehow i can’t stop blaming you for asking me to live as me,
for asking me to stop hurting myself.
what do you know about the life i have lived?
what do you know about the things i have sacrificed for living like this?
how can you ask me to break what i have built for years?
i cry, i push you away, i cling to the what i am supposed to be,
asking you why you can’t just be what i supposed you would be.
again i am asked to choose between me and this world.
again i know i will choose myself.
(by choosing to please the world rather than choosing myself?)
but you have some nerve to declare that i won’t.
i hate you for your stupid confidence
and your disregard for all that i will lose.
Close my eyes
with your gentle kiss.
Help me out a bit.
Help me build a better lie.
Help me anyway that love allows.
Help me find a way to live
without hurting myself or others.
till I become blind
or till I learn to accept
all that is wrong with this world
and all that is wrong with me.
Close my eyes
with your gentle kiss
and let me leave this world
with your love
when the time comes.
I jokingly said that I would hate it
to be someone else-
someone who would have to suffer me.
But before my face realizes what my heart meant,
where it becomes apparent in my eyes
that I am nowhere near recovery,
before I panic at being taken seriously,
someone cuts me off
with proofs supporting my observation,
with a list of my faults I may have missed,
with an funny anecdote about
about the time I was too broken to think straight.
I wish I had not broken into laughter when I put myself down.
I wish ‘laughing it away’ was a trick that worked in my life.
I was never mistaken that ‘tricks’
changes reality, builds back and heals
all that is in pieces and all that is in pain.
It’s just a way to turn blind to what I cannot change.
But walking blind is worse than I had thought.
I keep colliding with harmless words, bruise myself,
and recoil back in the fear of what I may find
if I took a step forward.
That day when it rained of
bruised and dying birds
of feathers marked with colors only
an arrogant and confident cruelty can cause,
everyone looked about for an umbrella
to protect themselves from this vision
that they didn’t want to witness.
This was not the historic moment
that they wanted to be part of.
I could understand their willingness to believe
that the marks of fingers in the blood and bodies
that filled up the roads
can be called natural causes.
It was probably better
than knowing the names of people whom we may have laughed with
only to know they know how to fly,
how to clip wings and suspend the decaying bodies in air
while we asked them the directions for our life,
while we asked them to tie up our laces as a child,
while we asked them to love us, and build a new life.
I guess even the innocent
got fed up of being looked at like a potential danger
or tired of looking for one.
It was probably more convenient to come to an understanding,
of agreeing on a made-up fact
that this all is part and parcel of being a bird in the sky,
that birds should know better than to fly,
and tempt innocent humans into life of crime.
Birds at their best should just chirp joyfully
and let everything slide.
Even if I moved
there were lot of things that
remained a constant in my life.
All that mattered to me
was always with me,
so I don’t think I ever had to cope with downside
of being move all the time.
I have not built up towers of defenses against others
and even if I have,
it is not something new or peculiar.
Everyone I met,
everyone who lived like me
carried their fear,
the indifference to their own fear,
and their refusal to feel all that should hurt
as the most normal thing ever.
I think we all grew up to be not so broken
as people would have expected.
If nothing else
we maybe suffered as much as any child
but learnt how to separate what we feel from what we are.
When suffering is the norm,
when loneliness is a given condition of life
then they can no longer be excuse
for what we do or what we become.
The life that runs ahead of me
and the one that I take and drag behind
all center around the habits and frienships
built for the conveniences
of a sorrow that I cannot date.
Some part of me is lighted up today
in the light that is most probably your doing.
And when the light hits the less cared for parts of me
contrary to the expectations and images of
decay that ate me away and the dust that filled me up,
what I see is an empty expanse.
I see you ready with the tools to build me
something more prettier, something more comfortable,
something more me.
You wait for that picture to reach my lips.
But I don’t have a picture yet.
I don’t know what to build here.
I am in love with this sweet emptiness,
this fresh start that I thought I would never get.
Can we just sit here for a while in this innocence
that would be soon tainted by us.
You say, “We have all the time in the world.”
No, we don’t.