Let’s move closer
into each other’s pores,
move into each others mind,
where we are bound to lose our way.
Let’s blame each other
when we miss the chaos of our own mind.
Don’t ask me how to return to normal.
Normal never existed for us.
Our life together has no place for normalcy.
How to put a knife on an already bleeding wound,
and smile when the pain seeps into and cries out my heart-
I learnt that from you.
Like I learnt to confuse anger and possessiveness with passion.
Like I learnt to bear your frequent silence
and occasional disappearance.
Let’s move closer
into each other’s absence,
carve a space for our needs in each other’s heart.
It is not love, I know.
But dear, we both are not good enough
for this thing called love anyway.
“You’ve become an accomplice in your own annihilation and there is nothing you can do about it. Everything you do closes a door somewhere ahead of you. And finally there is only one door left.”
― Cormac McCarthy
Now I am not sure what this quote exactly makes me feel. But every time I read this, I see in front of me that one door left. It fills me up with a kind of relief and fear at the same time. It is as if every small action of mine will change my life in a drastic ways. It is like choosing a destiny that I cannot see. Irreversible nature of my decision, the narrowing of the world to fewer door, fewer dreams, fewer options is frightening. But it also fills me with a sense of responsibility and control. It feels like a power that I do not know how to put to use, but it is still a power. Like a blind person walking on a minefield, where even having eyes may not be of much help considering the chaos that surrounds me. Even if a portion of choice is in my hand, I do have a say, but not much. I cannot turn back and look at all the doors I can’t go back through. I am just left with that one line I am travelling (many that I can’t), the line my decisions create to that last door, the line we call fate.
The mountains I must scale
and the currents I must swim against
are all in you.
Love has nothing to do with
me wanting to know the storm you have become.
I find myself the reason
of your flooded cities of hope,
the chaotic streets of your mind.
I refuse to leave you alone in this disaster,
even after knowing
that my departure is the only way to
quieten the commotion in your life.
Love has nothing to do with my selfish wish
to stay by your side.
To some extent
I always knew
that there must be something in your heart
that resists my presence.
Which is in conflict
whether in flesh or in soul
because of me.
And still craves more of me.
I think your heart never got used to me.
It just got used to resisting me.
You just need my presence in your life
to maintain the state of chaos and struggle
that has now become your natural habitat.
I have stacks and heaps of poems I have misread.
Where I filled the blanks
which were not meant to be filled.
Where I was supposed to stand stupefied by absurdity of life
I tried to find some order , some reason.
Where I was supposed to sit and listen to worries
I gave advice.Or worse, interfered in lives not mine.
It was always about what I could give to life,
than what life has given to me.
So I have suffered long
trying to fill silences in heart
and words in blank pages.
And never to have made a difference.
Never to have known the beauty
of being incomplete and unfinished.
In the dismal hours
Of the darkest nights
Time has a habit
Of toying with my mind.
Sometimes, into untraceable
Cracks of thoughts, it disappears.
The hands of clock drag themselves
Through air of confusion and fear.
Through the fate
Of abysmal wait.
To get rid of this rosy fog
Time has put around me,
In which I stumble,
Fall and bleed.
I toss away everything
That’s left of me.
And soon the chaos inside me
Surrounds me, suffocates me.
I no longer wish to struggle.
I resign, I surrender myself
To the havoc, that is me.
When all I have won
Is about to be lost,
Clock finally reads twelve.
Tomorrow has arrived.
And it kneels by my bed,
Looks into my eyes,
Holds my hand,
And tells me
“There is hope”.