In that room seated along with my anxious heart, my crumbling forevers, and my noisy pen, was you. You are now more colorful than ever- more real, more present. You are more you that before, more of a person that I ever could be. I envied you and loved you for that- that I remember.
I realize there other things that I don’t remember well, as you put on the record of “50 greatest pointless questions of all time”, as you sharpen the edges of your weak hollow anger, as you ask me to play a harmless game, another try at the precious once-in-a-lifetime love, another guess, another stab, another cut, another laughter echoing and tearing everything that almost made me human, another try, another guess, another endearing laugh at the sight of my tears.
I had decided that won’t flinch, that I won’t cry. I looked at the paper again that said that I am not actually hurt, that everything I suffer from is a making of my mind, that I am just too scared, too lonely to think straight ever again. I looked at it wanting to believe it but also knowing I won’t allow this paper to fix this for me.
For even to this image- this violent beautiful ghost of you, even to this- I felt I owed something. I still waited for you to give up. It still mattered to me – this confirmation- that what I loved also loved me back in some twisted way. So I nodded yes to another rounds of wrong guess, to this game I won’t ever win.
i try to sleep, to forget the pain near my spine, to forget all the hours in front of me that i have no use of. i look at my palm from near and from as far as my hands can extend. i notice how my hands have changed. do i like it better now? i wonder if it possible to like anything about my body now. i remember once deciding not to at least hate this skin that has use for everyone but not to me. i remember saying “as long as it makes you happy” at the same time thinking “i don’t think you care for my happiness”. i stop myself from finding more things that make me confused or miserable. i unlock my phone. it’s 8 already- more and more notifications, …5GB extra..Alert:You have spent… …has added a new post…added a new story airplane mode, the notifications continue to pile up in my head- all the words that i will never get to see that i always expected even when i knew i shouldn’t, it has been long……sorry, for making you feel alone… today i saw something and was reminded of you. even though we are not together, it is not your fault… thank you for being there for me……it must have been tough… don’t hurt yourself i feel smaller knowing that even the words i want are only words of consolation, just confirmation that i am not the worst. i look at my hands again and wonder if my hatred for myself colors my skin. is that how everyone gets know that i don’t have the courage to ask for fair, for loyalty, for answers? is that how i look? someone who doesn’t have the voice to ask anything anymore.