But now I am not
Now I cannot hate myself
like I used to before.
Liking myself was never option,
for me anyway.
If only I could be one person
with a constant heart,
maybe then I could have
understood myself with enough time,
could have found the heart to see myself
as a mere human that I am.
this possession of my body
and my heart
by a new unknown
the loneliness that I couldn’t show,
the songs I was supposed to forget,
the kiss that never left my lips
all become my new self.
Tomorrow it will be something else.
But it is a tiring relief
to lose my hate to confusion.
Tag Archives: confusion
But now I am not
i read this on a torn sheet of paper
that was lying, waiting (possibly for me?)
in that empty hall, that on a normal day has never known empty.
and being who i am, this again had to be an easy answer from a higher power.
being who i was i believed that the confusion in my mind
rocked every throne in heaven.
so again i assumed as i said i never would,
that these must be the words that could solve me.
never mind the context, never mind the book or it’s title.
there is so much missing and this paper still remains
it might mean something,
it must mean something,
everything had to mean something for me to somehow go on.
it said “your desire would burn away,
the moment you let it have your words”
so i uttered your name with the place you have in my heart.
i mustered up enough courage to speak of the place i wanted in you.
it sounded dubious and shallow.
it sounded so much like me
that i thanked myself for not saying it to you.
i made a clean tear through that piece of paper
for being too right and being too wrong
and walked away wanting now to become a better vessel,
the person on whose lips these words would really sound the way they felt
i walked away waiting for my mind and your heart
to become good enough for those feelings.
nothing burns away.
The wind is picking up.
The white sand unlike water
sinks everything too slowly.
And so the shade less trees of eucalyptus
become shadows that I learn to love.
They become compass that knows no direction,
but just piece this world to hold,
the silent assurance
that I am not yet lost, though my eyes can’t tell.
The wind is picking up.
In the middle of this small storm,
my careful hands writing the date on black board
suddenly realize the need to be held.
And so I fold and create a crease
on another part of my face-
the part that shows my heart too easily.
Someone yells out my name
and unknowingly they moor me to another violence,
another need that I don’t want to carry in me.
what is the use of loving you
if you won’t speak less and be less for the sake of my ego,
if you don’t have the proportions or face to brag about,
if you won’t sleep with me,
if you have “anxiety attacks” just when i am having fun
(it is embarrassing, grow up)
if my mom won’t like you,
if you can’t give me the kids that i want,
if a career, a dream is still on your mind,
if you still want friends when you already have me,
if you want to write the stupid poems that make me look bad,
if you won’t consider me your god,
if you continue to live for yourself.
so dear, work hard.
or you will become useless to me.
there is only so much that i can tolerate for this love of yours.
I want to see you before I forget you.
I want to see if I can live without forgetting you.
If I can avoid running away,
if I can see you and not feel anything.
My love, my dependence on you,
you slept through all of it
and now you do not know
why I have changed,
do not know how to be with me.
Let us be friends again.
I can do that for your sake.
Now it is probably my turn to sleep,
to close my eyes on all that I feel,
all that you are to me.
So when I tell you how my love has ruined me
be kind to me and ask me to give up.
Teach me how to give up.
Teach me how to give you up.
And I will be kind enough
not to ever let you know
that you were the cause
of all my confusion and all my suffering.
We assumed that this fire that melts and hurts
was safe in our hearts
and no one would have to know,
no one has to get burned, bear marks of
this uncertain change that leaves us strangers
to the ones we love.
That makes it difficult to act
like what we used to be,
when we are forgetting memories
we are supposed to enact.
I saw that girl
who roamed the dark streets
with eyes filled with smoke
and feet swaying with confusion and power.
With clothes that reminded me of night sky.
She was out all night
to paint the world
in the color
of her black beautiful broken heart.
The many masks of her
hung by her wrist.
They smile, sneer and look down
at the faceless shadows
that are bound to disappear.
And though it always puzzled me
how she could smile,
after breaking so many people.
I finally understood
how it could be so hollow
and so fulfilling at same time.
I finally understood all this
the morning when I woke up as her.
We see ourselves , we see others and then we try to see ourselves in others.
We rejoice when we find ourselves in others. But we moan for the loss of our individuality that we want and don’t want at the same time.
We want to be lost and still want to be found.
A state of dilemma makes us stop and let this world go by us. We know that there are millions of opportunities to be one in all and so are the chances of being all in one.
Feeling the cold metal at her neck
In the cramped up space where she sat,
She looked out of the window, with her mind
Far way from what reached her eyes.
Reflecting, how foolish she had always been,
Foolish for believing people without any doubt,
To hold onto them even if they hurt her,
To accept people for who they are but never accept herself.
To have let go of her esteem for them,
To have thought that they’d value her, a fraction of how much she did.
And she thought of everything
She had done that led her to this day,
Where people saw her as someone not worth respecting,
For each time she would let go of her pride.
Not worth the effort, for she won’t demand it,
Not worth the love, cause she didn’t deserve it.
But as she cried at all the hurt,
The shame, the loss and herself.
With her hand held open
Waiting for a hand to hold it.
She turned her back to the past
That haunted her, that hurt her
To look at him, beside her.
And she remembered how she’d
Been more of a fool for him than anyone.
How she was foolish to make
Someone centre of her life,
To love someone more than herself.
For a girl who couldn’t bear
The scars of betrayed little affections,
How could she hope to survive
The love that’d shatter her.
For she knew
She was nothing and could mean nothing to anyone.
So how could she mean something to him?
That if everyone saw her as a liar
How could she expect him to believe her?
That she’d lost herself the moment she chose love above respect
How could she expect him to embrace her and take pride in her?
For she knew
What she was
She was just a fool.
But in spite of knowing this
She accepted the love she’d found.
For a moment she found meaning to live,
And she felt glad to be there
And to have known what her life could have been,
To have felt his love,
To have known that she’ll always be loved.
Anything else didn’t matter
For being foolish was her virtue
That led her to him.
And when she felt the warmth of his hands in hers
And saw him smile through all his pain,
She could see that he felt he was foolish to be there,
He was her foolishness,
And she was his.
With the same insecurities in his heart,
He chose to love her as long as he can.
As long as his soul could bear this pain.
As long as his heart could love.
As long as she would love him back.
So they’ll stay together as long as their stupidity allowed.