This sad heart of yours,
this heart that I love the most,
I wondered once
why it couldn’t rise above what it is suffering from
even when you have me.
Why as I sit with you talking about myself
you smile as if trying to contain the tears
that you won’t be able to explain.
I have always felt that even though
we were meant to go through everything together
it was just me
looking at you
fighting someone who I couldn’t even see.
Every drop of love that I bring to you
end up being just another drop of expectation
that helps you drown that much faster.
And when I am done being disappointed with myself
for being insufficient,
for not being able to make a difference in your life,
I end up thinking that maybe
sometimes love cannot exorcise
the feelings that we have for ourselves
and maybe I just need to learn to see the you
who is able to smile instead of all that you suffer from
instead of taking pity on you
and trying to replace you as your saviour
when you are doing a fine job being one yourself.
I saw you
soft as the clouds of heaven.
I felt you
covered in the condensed drops
of love that the whole world breathes out.
And I hated you for it.
I saw your skin marked with me.
I saw the cracks in your smile
covered in my kisses.
I saw my reflection in your heart
that was made for my thirst.
I saw my heart.
I saw what hid there.
I saw the storm that never calms.
I saw the poison that has no color.
I saw your eyes become the clouds,
I saw it rain.
I saw you tremble as earthquake
that tries to contain itself.
I saw you make your home
in my storm.
And I hated you for that.
I stand here
beneath the secrets piling over me
at the edge, looking at how I spill out of my own body.
Not able to contain myself.
Not able to restain myself
from looking into the darkness,
from looking into the depth of me
where lies the skeletons of many friendships
and one rare love.
Many managed to stay afloat
not wanting to be a part of me,
knowing what I was.
While I just wanted them to stay
for a moment
to tell me what they knew
tell me what I was.
So that I may not feel
like an impostor in my own life.