“One More” – Nayana Nair

I return to my unaffected neighborhood.
The success of my efforts to keep them ignorant
vexes me,
their narrow vision,
their inability to see me as I do,
their belief in me, the love they handout to me,
the children that look up at me-
making me feel smaller.

~
I have no option but to run
and once I start running there is no end to it,
there is nowhere I can stop.
Cause everything good in this world
reminds me of the unwanted anomaly I am.
Every dark emotion in face of others
becomes a part of mine.

~
Every day I barter with universe to keep me living,
borrowing time for this body,
one more light for myself.
One more body, one more happiness
(one more me) put to death
once I reach the dead end
that waits for me at the close of each day.

“Not There” – Nayana Nair

Stay right beside me.
Stay till I fall asleep.
Once my eyes have given up,
on seeing the world for what it is
and failing each time.
When my hold on your fingers
loosens breath by breath.
When I finally fall asleep.
Let me dream of a love for us
that hurts little less.
Live the life that I dream of.
Even if I am not there.

“Spare me” – Nayana Nair

Spare me from your prayers
and spare me from your hearts.
I do not yearn for heaven
for I never believed it from the start.
Spare me from your world.
The fear and resentment of being left beind
feels less like resentment each day.
The reality of life
the pain I have given myself
turns your crimes against me into kindness.

“My Dear” – Nayana Nair

My dear,

Our hands muddied with smaller crimes
and greater guilts,
are the only hands that we have
to hold each other.
Our faults make up this love
is the only love that
can survive the deaths
of our hope and trust in each other.

“How I spend my seconds” – Nayana Nair

I look at your eyes
and notice the tone of your voice.
Every second, each day
afraid that something I do,
or something I say
might offend you.
I walk around your shadow
and you wonder why my touch,
why my words are so cold.
I wonder how long will I
keep you in my heart,
where you don’t want to stay anyway.

“Stop tugging at my clothes” – Nayana Nair

Though I thought it would be difficult.
Each step I took with an ease
and with a courage
that I didn’t know
was there in me.
No sadness in the world
existed in my face or heart,
but only a child,
a smaller me, tugging at my clothes,
telling me to stop
trying hard to rescue me from my fate
from this realization
that this is what I have to do forever.
That one day the loneliness of my journey
will wear down my courage and me.