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“MORNINGS, AFTERNOONS AND EVENINGS” –Nayana Nair

alone-beautiful-girl-girls-photo-Favim.com-347621

Mornings I’m up, I sit up and gaze,
To follow a train of thought, that I can’t even trace.
Afternoons are dull, with stillness all around.
I eat and lie down listening to some songs,
Or sometimes I doze off reading something,
It drowns all the voices in my head, some peace that brings.
Evenings, as usual are spent in laughter with a tea,
As sitting there I try to convince myself of what I really feel.
Its nights that are horrible for me,
As I realize how futile has my day gone by,
How I was running blindly in every direction I found,
Just to return to what I was running from.
Not to confront the loss, and its pain,
And all efforts to ignore them gone vain.
As I find my thoughts going back to then again,
To the reality there was and only loss that can be,
For when you hurt me, and when you lied,
And when you faked grief when I cried,
When you spoke about me behind my back.
Laughing at my pain, and discuss what all I lack.
When for a stranger you left me all alone.
I realized I’ve lost you now.
Maybe I’d lost you long ago,
Or maybe I’d never lost you,
for how can I loose what I never found.
So as these mornings, afternoon and evening go by,
I do not grieve for you, nor I ever will,
And it is not for you that in sorrow I lie,
Nor it is for you that my heart is bitter and still,
And I’ll never shed a tear, for the kind of friend you were.
And never in my lifetime would I wish you were here.
But my only loss, only sorrow is what I’ve really lost,
My real loss was the loss of trust in myself.
And loss of my carefree trusting mind.
And loss for the heart that cared and believed
And losing a part of me, that I can never find
For all I’ve suffered, you were not worth this loss,
And I did not deserve this pain,
To try to find what is not there,
For my mornings, afternoons and evenings, can never be mine again

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