Just wanted you to know
that I am doing well,
that I miss you even when I shouldn’t,
that you’d be proud of me
if you saw how good I have become
at evading love,
that I am doing all that I wanted,
that without the barriers of your love
my life stands in luminous warm sun
and in the depressing beautiful rain as well,
that I miss you
but don’t want you back yet,
that I am slowly growing into the woman
who knows how to love someone
as good and twisted as you,
though I won’t get to love you again.
My every action feels like a potential trigger
for my all-seeing god and his all-criticizing followers
to throw me into the hell that is still under construction.
They are always changing the furniture,
always tearing down new wallpapers,
to suit to life I fear most.
But I can never make up my mind.
Maybe knowing, that the only way to evade their sentence
is to live my own hell.
The silence, whose reasons evades your understanding,
doesn’t fit in the the 200 page guide to this world you have made,
that irritates you,
also lets you paint me worse that what I am,
lets you add footnotes to my words.
How unaware we are
of the dreaded future,
how close it lurks.
And how our tragedies
step over out footsteps
that we left behind
when we tried to flee it.
How in the most unsuspicious moment
it will grab us, till we know of nothing but pain.
How beautiful is each minute
in which I evade the pain
that I deserve.