The shoes I am wearing are wearing thin. I feel my clothes trying, trying hard to slip out of me and I don’t try to hold onto them. That is how I have always been.
I see an appproaching death, the sihouette of another ending that I won’t be able to take and I order another drink, I put down the book that was getting a bit more real that I expected it to be, and I wait with open eyes to witness the truth of every undoing that is in my fate.
This is me- the one who cries absurdly at a broken sole, at my frayed edges, at a day-long, a month-long, an year-short love, the one who tries to mean “till the end”.
The one who can only smile when called cruel and cold- that is also me.
I think of the clothes that are too tight or too loose for me, of my skin that doesn’t like me the way it used to. How the mirrors in my home are hidden by the growing towers of books. I wonder what this says about me? I think of the fear that I feel when I am alone, the fear that I feel when I walk into happiness. I think of the kinds of fear that fill my heart. I count them for a long time but nothing happens when I finish counting. I wonder if knowing myself is really the first step to solving my life. Do I want anything to be solved? I count the people that who no longer speak to me and half way through I remember that it was me who had thrown them away first. Silence is my weapon, not theirs. I realize I need to always hold a grudge against someone to live with strength. I wonder when this strength became so important to me. I wonder when this love that felt like a lemonade in summer actually became a commercialized product with an expiry date stamped on it before it even reaches our hands. I think of my skin by which I am stuck to a world like this. I wonder why I pretend to be better than this world by saying such stuff? Why am I so into acting all deep and philosophical? I wonder why I love to call myself broken even though I hate to be seen so? Don’t misunderstand me. I do not want answers. Answers are painful and pointless, answers are a tasteless end to the struggle that otherwise makes my heart bleed colors.