“Count the Roads” – Nayana Nair

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I didn’t see her pack her bag
but I knew it was definitely hers,
from the way she could drag it with such an ease.
The same ease with which
she dragged most things in her life.
Her face twisted and moved
till it found that smile
that said, “Ignore me, I’m happy”.
As she hailed her taxi,
I tried to count the days it would take
for me to give up too.
I counted the roads that must pass
before we do not have to think
about the depleting years in our hand
and lonely dreams in our diminishing vision.

“Welcome Back” – Nayana Nair

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Once you go to other side,
you are not welcome back.
And even if second chances grant you entry here,
you will eternally be on parole,
under the watchful eyes of others.
In this bright world, I live
as a prisoner
where my sins are my new name.

“Finally…the warmth” – Nayana Nair

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When I saw myself
in the light of kindness,
that I only used for looking at other.
I finally felt the warmth
of being wrapped in my own arms.
That day
I let myself sew the sun
back in my eyes.
I let myself hang the portraits
of my failures and weakness
on the walls my life.
For that one day,
I was more loved than I ever will be.
For that one day
I was more strong than I ever was.

“Settling dust of memories” – Nayana Nair

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My past
bleeds slowly onto my clothes,
onto the furniture,
on the buttons of elevator,
on the currency that leaves my hand,
on the roads I drag myself through everyday.
And they do not get lost
only because they leave my mind.
They are forever in front of my eyes
forming a layer of sadness on my daily life.
So that I do not forget
what all I have lost, what all I have suffered
to reach this point in life
where I can really smile.
I think it is another me,
the one who only knew the worse of world
who fears she will be forgotten,
so she doesn’t want to leave.

“Sleeve of Silk” – Nayana Nair

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An ornament blue that reminded me of your eyes.
The sleeve of silk that had finally felt like mine.
The black of my eyes, the blood of my lips.
They took it away one by one.
While you looked on
almost happy to have avoided my fate.
My life became colored with
a dazzling red of sun
being devoured by sky and sea alike.
And no flowery word you use
to soften the memory- of what I felt
and what I suffered,
could remove me from the hell that I was thrown
only for you to climb out.
Maybe you never considered
how I had to pay the price for your dream.
Maybe you never thought of me
when you walked the evening roads
lit with the warm light of possibilities.
Maybe that’s why you stand in front of me
asking why I am bitter.

“Silver Moon” – Nayana Nair

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Have you reached that part of your life
where the seasons don’t matter,
and time doesn’t matter.
And the only thing that occupies your mind
is you.
Because it is the only thing
breaking in this perfect world
and you know not
how to keep this perfect thing going on.
The silver moon stays in the sky
while your eyes become useless
as the hands of god scribble endlessly,
so that the moon crumbles only in your eyes.
If you haven’t reached that part,
I hope you don’t.
And if you are already there
let’s hope we can get out of it .
For the only hope I have is-
if only I can hold myself together,
there is still that beautiful world out there
whose memory keeps us alive this season-less land.

“Farewell” – Nayana Nair

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The sunrise that I always wanted to see
slipped out of my hand and eyes once again.
Though my heart feared falling asleep,
my eyes could not longer bear to stay awake.
And I found myself in the only place
where I can’t fool myself by smiling hard.
As my mind deserted me here, as it always does,
it only left me with broken words of farewell:
“why me…it’s hard…and it keeps getting hard…i want to give up”

“You can’t”, you whispered from my heart.

“Find it Red” – Nayana Nair

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They make me grow a forest of hate
and leave me there to die.
They give me tiny drops of love
so for getting more I can try.
So that I try and know the taste
of the words that are stamped on my existence
by the eyes of those
who decide what I can be and where I can go.
They tell me all the thing gone wrong
just because people like me shouldn’t be born.
They slash my skin
to check my blood
and are disappointed to find it red
like theirs.