“A lot like your heart” – Nayana Nair

Yours is the name I take with
everything that feels like fate
but it isn’t.

I have walked towards you
every time I saw your face.
I have cursed my feet and my heart
when you left me again.

I can’t feel wronged,
because you won’t let me.
You have a way with my heart.
You know the hurt I cannot give you back.

I live in a lonely place
that looks a lot like your heart,
but only better.
Only here,
the happiness you won’t give me
is for my taking.

Here,
I see you pining for my smile.
In my sleep
I matter to you as much as you do to me.
Only in my dreams.

Only in my delusions
exists the reason-
why it must be you.

“green carol” – Nayana Nair

it takes only a second for
the children singing carols on my porch in green mufflers
to run around and burn the beach,
burying their favorite flavor of ice cream
in the sandcastle meant to be some sort of time capsule.
when i was young i didn’t have such powers.
like them
i could neither summon the seasons
nor walk towards them.
being the uninvited guest
i could neither put faith in those saw me
nor could i walk myself out.

“Cheap Literature” – Nayana Nair

Don’t ask which part of me
are easier to love.

I have tried so hard
to become someone who cannot be be loved
without effort or tears.

My faith in love,
my faith in those who love
or it’s absence
is not so difficult to explain.

Clue: Every pop song that leaves you in shambles.
Clue: The books that you call cheap literature.
Clue: The lovers who want to get to the happy ending fast, so they can think about and focus on more important stuff.
Clue: The sappy feelings that you are not interested in.

Those who first talk of my skin and my volume when they talk of love.
(I mean you.)
Those who think that my view of the world, and how the world views me
is just a phase that won’t hopefully be their burden for life.
(I mean you.)
Those who tell me about my selfishness, my unreasonable fears, my unstable suspicious tiring mind over lunch as they run their blade over every bit of exposed skin of mine. Those who are satisfied when I don’t even wince as I bleed, just the way I have been trained.
(I mean you.)
You have made this whole process
more difficult than it should be.

Don’t ask me the easy way.
I might just begin to hate you for that question.

“Summer Mood” – Nayana Nair

my feet relentlessly insist
on burning themselves
for the sake of summer mood.

i wear a shirt too big for me.
a wear a smile a bit too small.
i wear the worry of my parents on my neck.

i feel their fear
when i smile back at strangers.
i pretend to be the sand that no one can hurt.
i pretend to be the sea that doesn’t end.
i pretend no man in this beautiful scene
would hurt someone like me.

but my feet, they burn, they bleed.
my feet that only wanted freedom
from the moment i was born,
now they make me feel like the mermaid
who was not wise enough.

i feel like i am losing a part of myself
every time a stranger asks for my name,
every time they accidentally touch my skin
to fill me with shame and sin.
i pretend to be cool, to be understanding,
to be blind
as i feel like the monster
that brings out the worst in people.
as i erase my memories everyday
to put faith in people whom i find hard to trust.

“What have my eyes lost sight of ?” – Nayana Nair

As I sing your praise
I end up recalling
how I used to look at you
as if you could save me.
But now we stare at each other
while my life remains what it is.
I don’t call it a mess now,
to get some sympathy out of you,
to get a miracle out of you.
I don’t call it a blessing
just so that you would know
that I appreciate what you gave me
and hope to get a little bit more.

One song, one hymn after another.
I play at the seams of my skirt.
I pick at the skin that I once was.
“is this how we lose ourselves?”,
I want to ask you.
“is this we become who we are,
by cracking and crumbling invisibly,
the moment to mourn-lost forever,
the innumerable funerals no one grieved at,
is this why growing up is painful for all?”.

Instead of prayers
I come to you with only questions.
Instead of your forgiveness
I end up asking your understanding
for what I have done and what I have become.

“god’s work” – Nayana Nair

i wanted to say
please don’t drag my god
into your selfish quest for power.
please don’t turn my god
into a tool to manipulate mind.
but i couldn’t say those things
for my god was no longer my god,
he/she belonged to people who were ready
to accept any lie, any cruelty
to propagate their beliefs and their way of life
to protect their gods (or so they say).
so i had no choice
but to cut myself from this doctrine
of power and numbers.
not to protect my god,
but to protect my mind and myself,
to protect my faith in the endangered humanity
when all i face are the proofs of its non-existence,
when all i find are people who think shaming people
and spilling blood is god’s work.
maybe it is selfish
but i want to remember my god as someone more kinder.

“Fake” – Nayana Nair

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The morning drips from the hands of clock.
Soon there will arise a sky that tries its best not to look empty.
Soon people will walk about the streets
forgetting the sun that they had been waiting for,
forgetting the night they struggled to survive.
I almost collide with a person like that, like me,
who try their best
that their forgetfulness seems as genuine as possible
and rely on their faith that no one will be unkind enough
to give voice to what they see and know.
The longer I live, the aversion
I once had for all fakeness
is replaced with some kind of pity.

“Loose Words” – Nayana Nair

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The words once written with passion

once written with anger,

sometimes filled with sweet drops of sadness

and sometimes with happiness that

made cracks in our masks.

All those words have broken down

have become loose and weak.

Those words are not our love.

Those words are our lives.

Our love is the ruled lines on paper

on which rested our broken lives,

on which rested our tested faith.

 

“PLACE” – Nayana Nair

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The empty pit

Where skeleton of betrayed expectation lie,

turning to ash.

The empty cupboard

haunted by ghosts of abandonment

of things that were taken

by those who left their love behind.

The place where everything could be

but nothing is.

I am that place.

A place filled with a ‘lack’.

So I guessed it would be easier

to fill those spaces with you.

With your glances and your words.

By devouring the air you breathed.

Hoping it will slip into this nothingness

and make it something.

That your tears will seep into my skin

to fill the space that was left behind

when everyone has had a piece of me.

But the lapping waves of your being

soon turned to an endless ocean.

From where I couldn’t find my way back.

The beautiful shimmering ocean

where I drown, where I couldn’t breathe.

The place where there exists nothing but you

not even me.

AND SLOWLY WE WALK”- Nayana Nair.

( Image taken from weheartit.com)

On the way to the library,

We both giggled as we talk,

When everyone was ahead in a hurry,

You stayed back with me and slowly we walk

 .

Here at this moment

I want

That this walk, this path would never end,

But I’d wish

You’d stop sacrificing you joys for my betterment.

 .

 .

As the others, our classmates play, merrily on ground

I dare not and would not go anywhere near,

You love to play, but you sit with me to hear bird’s sound,

From your eyes, I can tell, not words but hearts they hear

 .

Here at this moment

I want

Your eyes to hear my every thought and plight,

But I’d wish

You’d leave me, without me  as a burden, your life will be more bright.

 .

.

Its lunch time, and all the girls are talking,

You sit with me, leaving the company of all others,

In my world of solitude, you brought spring,

Then effortlessly, there comes a smile on your face and m sorrow withers.

 .

Here at this moment

I want

This smile to last on your face forever,

But I’d wish

I’d stop draining joys from your life and for a change I’d be the giver.

.

.

The wish is my mind and the want is my heart.

I hope someday the reason of my mind agrees with the song in my heart

I hope someday they’d be together not poles apart,

I hope someday they’d speak the same thing for a new start.

 .

.

.

But now

I want and I wish

Someday, for every happiness you give me,

I could give you one back too,

Someday for every suffering you go through for me,

I could do the same for you

 .

.

.

I hope someday

Instead of looking up to you,

I’d grow up to be you.