“I didn’t mean it” – Nayana Nair

I did mean it all,
I just didn’t want you to know.
My momentary courage-
the result of my long sleepless nights,
let’s agree to call it my foolishness.
For I won’t do anything as preposterous as that ever again.
I won’t expect much from you again,
not because I was at wrong.

Even though it was the only thing I could do,
I regret it so much.
I hate myself for trying to believe in you,
for pushing myself to do the right thing
for your sake.

As always you eat fast and cut me off.
As always you have somewhere to go.
There are too many people whom you must keep happy.
Today I won’t throw everything on my plate for you.
I won’t come to door to see your cold back.

I wish I could go back to the dreams
where I told you about my life, about my pain
and you held me as I cried,
where you took me to the doors of my new life.
But instead all I see in every face is your face.
In your face all I see is my pathetic self
who wanted to lean on someone like you.

“VIRTUE OF FOOLISHNESS”- NAYANA NAIR

 

Feeling the cold metal at her neck

In the cramped up space where she sat,

She looked out of the window, with her mind

Far way from what reached her eyes.

 

Reflecting, how foolish she had always been,

Foolish for believing people without any doubt,

To hold onto them even if they hurt her,

To accept people for who they are but never accept herself.

 

To have let go of her esteem for them,

To have thought that they’d value her, a fraction of how much she did.

 

And she thought of everything

She had done that led her to this day,

Where people saw her as someone not worth respecting,

For each time she would let go of her pride.

Not worth the effort, for she won’t demand it,

Not worth the love, cause she didn’t deserve it.

 

But as she cried at all the hurt,

The shame, the loss and herself.

With her hand held open

Waiting for a hand to hold it.

She turned her back to the past

That haunted her, that hurt her

To look at him, beside her.

 

And she remembered how she’d

Been more of a fool for him than anyone.

How she was foolish to make

Someone centre of her life,

To love someone more than herself.

For a girl who couldn’t bear

The scars of betrayed little affections,

How could she hope to survive

The love that’d shatter her.

 

For she knew

She was nothing and could mean nothing to anyone.

So how could she mean something to him?

She knew

That if everyone saw her as a liar

How could she expect him to believe her?

She knew

That she’d lost herself the moment she chose love above respect

How could she expect him to embrace her and take pride in her?

For she knew

What she was

She was just a fool.

 

But in spite of knowing this

She accepted the love she’d found.

For a moment she found meaning to live,

And she felt glad to be there

And to have known what her life could have been,

To have felt his love,

To have known that she’ll always be loved.

Anything else didn’t matter

For being foolish was her virtue

That led her to him.

 

And when she felt the warmth of his hands in hers

And saw him smile through all his pain,

She could see that he felt he was foolish to be there,

He was her foolishness,

And she was his.

With the same insecurities in his heart,

He chose to love her as long as he can.

As long as his soul could bear this pain.

As long as his heart could love.

As long as she would love him back.

So they’ll stay together as long as their stupidity allowed.