“Another Failure” – Nayana Nair

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If only yearning
was the correct word
for what I feel for you now.

There is a voice in me
that has taken over my throat
and it speaks what I never wanted to say.

It admits all weakness that you never knew I had.
What is the use of confessing
what no one even suspected?

I ask myself that
even as I continue to speak,
even if you are not here to listen.

Maybe your absence
has given me the courage
to do the right thing.

Now that you are gone,
now that you have changed
I have no reason to hide where I hid.

There is no love keeping me away from
the life that I always wanted,
that I could always have.

But the reason
of this freedom
also leaves me paralyzed.

Though there are many failures in my life
that I made you reason for,
now when I can do better without you, I see myself giving up.

How unfair it is to you, if I give up now.
How unfair it is to me, if I cant even taste the only fruits
whose sweetness you have not taken away.

Love was not that hard
and I do not want to add another line
to the poems and essays who blame love for everything.

That would be another lie, another failure for me,
if even when I am losing I seek someone
who is ready to sink with me.

“Root” – Nayana Nair

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Everything that reminds me of what I was
leaves me helpless.
Everything that tells me of what I could be
leaves me expecting,
makes my skin weak,
makes the wound stay.
All the right word you utter
is like the air carrying scents
of a distant garden.
The garden that I will never see,
for I am a person who lives with roots
deep into disappointment.
And though I try to cut myself free
from what hurts me most,
but they are still my roots
so my freedom almost feels like a death.

“Slowly, Regretfully” – Nayana Nair

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I am dissolving in the
ocean that has no water
but only salt.
The salt
that is more closer to this earth
than I am.

feff

I am changing slowly, regretfully,
into a form of your liking.
A form
that feels more belonging in this world
than I ever will.

feff

My heart slips slowly
into the darkness inside.
A darkness
which feels more like home,
more like the freedom
that light had promised.

“I can’t hear your sighs” – Nayana Nair

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I can’t hear your sighs

while you think I do not care enough.

I would love to bind myself and my life

around you,

Had I not been so sure

that freedom is the only measure of happiness for me.

kji

The love they talk about

is not in my heart.

I can’t harbor such sweetness.

I can’t live in surrender.

I was not made for that.

My heart was not made to be loved,

but to be cherished.

I won’t settle for anything less.

I do not ask for anything more.

kji

My idea of love was never

the protection or sense of safety I always lacked.

Or admiration true or false

that could put to sleep the complexes I have.

Or to be touched in ways

that make human hearts race.

kji

My idea of love was

to be so precious to someone

that they you never

change me or break me.

kji

You changed me.

You broke me.

And I only remember the sighs you took while doing so.

Making me feel less than what I am.

kji

But still, I breathe the same air as you,

Cause,

Once,

You almost loved me.

Three Day Quote Challenge – Day 1

O’Shine ORIGINAL (who has a lovely blog) nominated me for Three Day Quote challenge (long long back). Thank you for nominating me. 🙂

Here’s a link to his post : https://oshineoriginal.wordpress.com/2016/10/02/two-in-one/

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Day 1:

“This was the recognition of the freedom of every man to think, to feel, and to look at things in his own way; the recognition of the impossibility of altering a man’s conviction by words.”
– War and Peace

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I love this quote. Read War and Peace an year ago. Although it is a long long read. It’s worth reading. Leo Tolstoy is one of my favorite writers. Its not just the story that is engrossing but the honest observation he makes about life in general.

I won’t say that this quote changed me. But it definitely gave me an aim what I would want to change in myself. The idea that every person should be allowed to think or feel whatever they want to and any attempt to do so is futile. You can convince them but that will just be a temporary alteration in his belief system. One can’t feel something just because they should feel it or want to feel it.  It reminds me of another quote by Gandhi (I don’t remember it word to word, just the gist of it) : You cannot force someone to realize the truth, truth must be realized, not forced.

And my opinion is that everyone is biased. They give preference to their own way of thinking. And while we may be busy trying to convince someone of how wrong they are, we fail to notice that there is as much chance that we may be equally wrong ;if there is something ‘wrong’ in the world. As I read somewhere: The opposite of an absolute truth is another absolute truth.

So lets stop trying to change everyone and let them live the way they want live.

 

SO TRUE (Quotes by Jiddu Krishnamurti)

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“You must understand the whole of life, not just one little part of it. That is why you must read, that is why you must look at the skies, that is why you must sing, and dance, and write poems, and suffer, and understand, for all that is life.”
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“Freedom and love go together. Love is not a reaction. If I love you because you love me, that is mere trade, a thing to be bought in the market; it is not love. To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something- and it is only such love that can know freedom.”

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“Do not repeat after me words that you do not understand. Do not merely put on a mask of my ideas, for it will be an illusion and you will thereby deceive yourself.”

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“When I understand myself, I understand you, and out of that understanding comes love. Love is the missing factor; there is a lack of affection, of warmth in relationship; and because we lack that love, that tenderness, that generosity, that mercy in relationship, we escape into mass action which produces further confusion, further misery.”

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“Happiness is strange; it comes when you are not seeking it. When you are not making an effort to be happy, then unexpectedly, mysteriously, happiness is there, born of purity, of a loveliness of being.”

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“We carry about us the burden of what thousands of people have said and the memories of all our misfortunes. To abandon all that is to be alone, and the mind that is alone is not only innocent but young — not in time or age, but young, innocent, alive at whatever age — and only such a mind can see that which is truth and that which is not measurable by words.”

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“I hope that you will listen, but not with the memory of what you already know; and this is very difficult to do. You listen to something, and your mind immediately reacts with its knowledge, its conclusions, its opinions, its past memories. It listens, inquiring for a future understanding.

Just observe yourself, how you are listening, and you will see that this is what is taking place. Either you are listening with a conclusion, with knowledge, with certain memories, experiences, or you want an answer, and you are impatient. You want to know what it is all about, what life is all about, the extraordinary complexity of life. You are not actually listening at all.

You can only listen when the mind is quiet, when the mind doesn’t react immediately, when there is an interval between your reaction and what is being said. Then, in that interval there is a quietness, there is a silence in which alone there is a comprehension which is not intellectual understanding.

If there is a gap between what is said and your own reaction to what is said, in that interval, whether you prolong it indefinitely, for a long period or for a few seconds – in that interval, if you observe, there comes clarity. It is the interval that is the new brain. The immediate reaction is the old brain, and the old brain functions in its own traditional, accepted, reactionary, animalistic sense.

When there is an abeyance of that, when the reaction is suspended, when there is an interval, then you will find that the new brain acts, and it is only the new brain that can understand, not the old brain”

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“To understand a child we have to watch him at play, study him in his different moods; we cannot project upon him our own prejudices, hopes and fears, or mould him to fit the pattern of our desires. If we are constantly judging the child according to our personal likes and dislikes, we are bound to create barriers and hindrances in our relationship with him and in his relationships with the world. Unfortunately, most of us desire to shape the child in a way that is gratifying to our own vanities and idiosyncrasies; we find varying degrees of comfort and satisfaction in exclusive ownership and domination.”

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“Passion is a rather frightening thing because if you have passion you don’t know where it will take you.”

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“And the idea of ourselves is our escape from the fact what we really are.”

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“You are this, which does not satisfy, so you want to be that. If there were an understanding of this, would that come into being? Because you do not understand this, you create that, hoping through that to understand or to escape from this.”

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“One of our difficulties is, surely, that we want to be happy through something, through a person, through a symbol, through an idea, through virtue, through action, through companionship. We think happiness, or reality, or what you like to call it, can be found through something. Therefore we feel that through action, through companionship, through certain ideas, we will find happiness. So being lonely, I want to find someone or some idea through which I can be happy. But loneliness always remains; it is ever there.

If I use you for my fulfillment for my happiness, you become very unimportant, because it is my happiness I am concerned with. So when the mind is concerned with the idea that it can have happiness through somebody, through a thing or through an idea, do I not make all these means transitory? Because my concern is then something else, to go further, to catch something beyond.”

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“Why are we such tortured human beings, with tears in our eyes and false laughter on our lips?”

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“You say you love your wife. You depend on her; she has given you her body, her emotions, her encouragement, a certain feeling of security and well-being. Then she turns away from you; she gets bored or goes off with someone else, and your whole emotional balance is destroyed, and this disturbance, which you don’t like, is called jealousy. There is pain in it, anxiety, hate and violence. So what you are really saying is, ‘As long as you belong to me I love you but the moment you don’t I begin to hate you.”

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“Find out what it means to die – not physically, that’s inevitable – but to die to everything that is known, to die to your family, to your attachments, to all the things that you have accumulated, the known, the known pleasures, the known fears. Die to that every minute and you will see what it means to die so that the mind is made fresh, young, and therefore innocent, so that there is incarnation not in a next life, but the next day.”

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“Life is a movement, a constant movement in relationship; and thought, trying to capture that movement in terms of the past, as memory, is afraid of life.”

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“Beyond all explanations which a good brain can give, why do we choose the worse and not the better, why hate rather than love, why greed and not generosity, why self-centred activity and not open total action? Why be mean when there are soaring mountains and flashing streams? Why jealousy and not love? Why?”

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“The description is not the described; I can describe the mountain, but the description is not the mountain, and if you are caught up in the description, as most people are, then you will never see the mountain”

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“THE DEMAND TO be safe in relationship inevitably breeds sorrow and fear. This seeking for security is inviting insecurity. Have you ever found security in any of your relationships? Have you? Most of us want the security of loving and being loved, but is there love when each one of us is seeking his own security, his own particular path? We are not loved because we don’t know how to love.”

FRIENDSHIP.

(Image taken from  theredboa.blogspot.com)

Last night I got a message from an old friend of mine. The message said,” How would you define friendship?” Well, the question was followed by exchange of many sms

Which at last concluded to the point, that there is no so called a rigid definition of friendship. Its worth and its meaning are too deep to be expressed in a few words.

But, the question lingered in my mind, what is friendship? It was not an attempt to define it rather to understand its nature…Some say “Friends are those people who have the same enemies as you do”…seems right to an extent. But it never matched my case. Most of the friends I made were at a time when I was new to place and had no chance of having an enemy. I never had an enemy…I always made one. So this justification was eliminated.

Then in a book I read “Friends are people who make you happy”. Well that seemed to fit in a bit. You probably won’t make friend with a person who doesn’t make you feel good. Whenever we remember about old friends of ours, we always remember the happy times, the times when they helped us and the times we helped them. We always felt good around them. We can be ourselves around them. They don’t judge us, and we can fool around with them like small child and no one would object. Being around them gives us the freedom, we don’t get in other relations.

But what I really think it is not just the freedom we get around being friends..I consider my friends important as they are related to me by my choice…not like blood relation that are dependent on your fate….you are with them by your own will…you can leave them at any time…you can stay with them….there is no compulsion…their fate is not related to you…if they get thrown out of job, you won’t suffer…if they fail in exams..you may get sad for them but still, it doesn’t affect your life….just like 2 person who meet during a journey..spend sometime with each other and leave but still remember each other…..they love us although it’s not compulsary…they cry with us although our grief won’t affect their life…they are happy at our success although their live are in ruins….they have no selfish reason to stay with us..still they stay..through thick and thin…we may be crazy..but they don’t mind….i don’t think people , atleast me, make friends with someone just because they are intelligent..or beautiful..or funny….

God just send some angels for us …knowing how much we are struggling in life …and how difficult it is to fight this battle  of life alone…When the angels come into our lives..they take away our pain….the battle turns into a journey, a beautiful journey…which you never forget for your whole life…when you look back those would be the only moments in life when you really lived your life….and looking back on the memory lane we can’t imagine a life without these angels…as if they were meant to be part of our lives….who says angels don’t exist….i believe in angels..i’ve seen them….those angels are my friends. My Best Friends.

(Image taken from friendship-cards.blogspot.com)