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“What I Remember (17)” – Nayana Nair

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those who spent their lives
wrecking their hands to mould me into something better,
tried fruitlessly
to break me without pain,
to break me and make me into something
that would be accepted by this world.
they showered me with love
so i won’t know, won’t remember
how much it pained me or how much it hurt them
to have gifted me
this painful self-critical view of myself and this world.

while they are growing old, weak and distant
my love for them looks like a failed seed
that never grew nor flowered.
the years that i spent with them
has made me ungrateful.
i have become the fish that never thanked the water
that kept it alive,
thinking that is what water is meant to do.

with time
as a fail to become what i thought i am,
as i realize that doing or even knowing the right thing to do
becomes more impossible as you get to know this world,
i begin to understand the enormous love they must have had for me
to hold my hand and walk with me in a world
that they had never seen
only for my sake,
knowing that their courage and their tears
are destined to be forgotten (or worse- questioned).

and my love?
my love,
it grows in opposite direction of sun,
my love for them grows into the soil my heart
in a world where they won’t see and won’t know.
i will remain cruel and indifferent even in my own eyes.
so i hide my muddled feelings
and walk around those
who have made me what i am
whatever that may be.

“REMINDER” – Nayana Nair

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IMG_20160623_122246

Bright light hovering over my head

Lighting me up, making me its own.

Inseparable, as if I am light itself.

The blinding brightness of my being

Leaves me incapable of finding my way

Through my own thoughts, turned strangers.

In this light, I have nothing to write

Nothing that’s mine.

And I fear these blank pages

Will be a reminder

Of a fruitless day.

images2V3F7IR8

The ship sitting at

The edge of my closed window.

It looks out at the wind.

The wind creating

An ever-changing mosaic

Of ruffling leaves.

It looks at the wind that belongs to it,

But never touches its lifeless white sails.

It looks for the ocean

That it was never made for.

My fears were in vain,

I have finally filled this page

With words that are reminder

Of  a fruitless life.

 

 

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