I want this sadness that dissolves in me, that never goes away, never stands apart from me, never looks me in the face with questions or even answers. I am ready to take vow with this heartbreak as long as it feels like you, promises eventually to replace you, as long as my love is greater than you. I do nor have to miss you, call you, beg you, force myself to forgive you, hate you silently, or practice breaking with grace. I do not have to do things that have nothing to with love as long my sadness is mine alone. I can bear this and more as long as I remember my genuine heart and not you.
I regret to tell you this that the blue sky that you died for is not longer blue. It is painting its face with remains of our greed, with the colors of our wars. But it is still sort of fair. It is trying hard not to choose sides, not to become the flags that unites only those whose favorite words are ‘future’, ‘safety’,’money’, ‘greatness’, while they clutch in their hands the fate of people they don’t identify with- ‘burden’ they call them. ‘Fear’ is another favorite word of theirs. They don’t speak much of it, but it is most useful or at least that’s what I have heard from the ones we are no longer allowed to call out or even mock. I have lost every bit of my passive aggressiveness. Life has become more bearable now that my skin is not broken for making too much noise, now that we have learnt to hold each other’s tongue so that we may not lose more friends than we already have. I regret to tell you that your dreams will remains dreams and you might be one of the last to know how dreams felt in your eyes, how tomorrow used to change by effort.
Last night I wanted to dream of you but I couldn’t. The picture of you that I had in my mind was that of the smile that was never yours, just a front for the photographs that you never wanted to be taken.
And all I could remember about you was how you would move noiselessly through my home, my mind and my memories with a care that I didn’t have. How your silent nods were my greatest assurance. How your hands were my gloves. How you enveloped me with your presence and burned till I forgot the freezing world. How for a short period of my life I was glad to be myself, that I was the one you loved. I wanted that lost time to be my dream, to find you in that dream and to tell you that you are precious to me. So that the smiles on your photographs become real. So that I become the reason of your beautiful smiles.
Now that we are past the point to be bothered
and entertained with petty things,
and have moved on to greater ambitions
or heavier slogans.
The more dense our propaganda become,
the more we argue over the future we envision
for people who we assume to be clueless
about the perils that live among them-
I start having doubts
and maybe this is where my unravelling starts.
At the face of doubts
that have nothing to do with what I do
or how world works,
but the suspicion that maybe I am as clueless
as anyone else.
And maybe our enthusiasm for a better world
is what is driving it towards chaos.
What if the our judgement is clouded by the same
but stronger demons
that we want to exorcise from this world.
What if we are driving around in dense fog
and not even realizing it.
Or have we decided to go for it anyway
and count the casualties only when our heads clears.
Our hands muddied with smaller crimes
and greater guilts,
are the only hands that we have
to hold each other.
Our faults make up this love
is the only love that
can survive the deaths
of our hope and trust in each other.