The stones are being painted black
with fingers soft and sorrowful,
his hands much more wonderful at this task.
On the cold floor made of moon,
hundreds and thousands of objects
and their color – lay scattered, lie alive and waiting.
Coldly, my hands weigh a glittering plastic star
on the tip of my fingers, willing myself
to be a stranger to my own infancy.
The approaching war is much more harder on him.
He sings to himself, he keeps in his tears
as he creates an apple made of night.
I look at the last drops of red in this world
getting erased. I have some tears saved for this occasion.
I have some words in the memory of fire.
But the air is pregnant with reality and gunpowder,
our fingers bruised with the cry of all colors,
I can’t help but want
my words to be anything but a prayer
for a miracle, a saving,
even if it is only for you.
I do not know how to help you.
I am used to relying on you,
to make everything right.
You are supposed to be the strongest one.
Or were you always like this?
Was your strength a make-belief,
for not caring,
for not doing anything.
I do not know how to hold your hand
when you refuse to be held.
I am confused if you really mean it
when you ask to be left alone.
Teach me through your tears,
who you are, when you are not my pillar.
Even though we know
we will end up being disappointed in ourselves
we still want find that same mirror
again and again,
expecting to see something different.
Hoping that it will work out one day.
Hoping one day our faults
would be too insignificant to matter.
Relying on the surety
of the forgetfulness of the world
than the forgiveness that we couldn’t dare to ask.
But even if the world forgets,
even if our skin grows anew,
even if our sins become untraceable,
these eyes of ours
remain the same,
always lingering on the spot
where we have buried our past.
Passing of time does nothing to reduce our fear
of being seen for what we are.
Even when that image of what we were
exists nowhere in this world,
it is the only way we can ever see ourselves.
The noise of the crumpled tissues walked upon
fills me up again.
Without the colors of reasons or pain
that once made it unbearable,
I envy that me who could be so passionately
sad for the someone else
or even for myself.
Now the the rivers of concern run beneath the surface of my heart
almost lost, in hiding.
(Or am I the one in hiding.)
And now I can finally be almost happy in life.
Should I lie?
My actions should I justify?
Why should I take permission
To live my own life?