in my cramped world
you find a place for yourself.
you become one with all the bright things
that i collect at the cost of breaking myself.
as you smile, i wonder
whether you have a thing for girls
who have forgotten the taste of truth.
i wish you do.
i would like to love you once,
before you learn to hate girls like me.
this room was gift from my ex
whose hobby was to be loved
by the one he wrongs.
but it is a story for another day.
my story with you is not that deep.
you don’t need to know
that my corners of my lips are ripped
from smiling while being hurt,
that they still hurt when we kiss.
it kills the mood.
it kills me a bit, to be honest.
all your words, the beautiful things
you want me to have, want me to be
they are enough
for me to love you for a while.
it is enough for me to forget
the demon i see in you.
aren’t i an easy girl?
one day you would hold that against me as well.
i fall for you knowing that.
the broken have found love again.
again they will forget all
that they promised they would never forget.
they talk of hobbies, talk of news,
talk of things that are easy to agree upon.
they talk about breaking down walls at lunch
and stay awake at night
getting rid of every part of themselves
that could spoil this love.
they tell themselves that this time
they will want less, expect lesser,
and love as little as possible
they try to love with their masks on
hoping that it would be easier,
but knowing all the while that it won’t be.
My hobby is
to find an unclaimed space in myself
and then try to color it.
Because I am bored.
Because I have trouble
that are taking up much more spaces
and this is the only space left for me
in my own life.
And here I create,
I paint my desperation, self-doubt
on the whites of my eyes.
Again I create a monster,
again a little more space I lost,
again I lost a little of my life,
and I wonder why do I suffocate myself.