there are mornings when i have forgotten how to forget. i open my eyes only believing the dream just broken. there are mornings when i hate myself for waking up and my body for needing reality so much.
“i cannot give my heart to you”, i remind myself to say this as i gulp down a glass of chocolate milk, in case someone decides to fall in love with me today. it is unfortunate that i have to force myself to say these words, when it is so much easier to utter “yes”, especially when i have hunger only for love.
as i untangle my earphones i almost step into another puddle of my previous life. there is something odd about finding my tears again. i stand there, wanting to be of comfort to myself but the one who is still drowning, drowning for years i do not want her, i do not want to catch her disease of hope.
there are days like these, when taking a step forward is the most cruel thing to do. when being human is risky, is the first step towards defeat. when healing comes with a downtime, time that I must answer for.
on days like these i find myself losing my sight, and it is in that darkness that I find you. how lucky you are that you will stay like this stay beautiful, stay mine only here, only in my moments of madness and helplessness.
P.S. i am always amazed at how easy it is to give up on myself that to give up on you.even when you were the worst of us.
to be human is to float like a single cell life devouring pieces of digestible meaning, splitting and cutting oneself without blood loss into something more manageable. to be human is to lose your legs to the ideas of nation, families, and lovers. to be a human like me is to look at herbivores, carnivores, omnivores, scavengers… and wonder what hunger feels like. it is to order love at every other restaurant waiting for the taste of pain to grow on me, while i mimic strangers stranded on far away tables and hope what i am learning is not another dead language.
I am doing an award post after a long long time. What resulted in this delay? Something as simple as losing track of where I had saved the text file where I had made a list of posts to respond to. Sorry about that. 😦
Now PritAmDas had nominated me for Sunshine Blogger Award sometime in November last year (as I said, it’s been really long time). I am thankful that you remembered by blog to nominate. I am flattered to think that my blog (my work) is worth keeping in mind. Here is a link to the post:
Earlier I used to stick to the rules of awards and all. But now I am a total rebel. I only do the portion of answering questions and almost never nominate anyone these days. The thing I like most about awards is the questions. Because sometimes in answering questions I end up knowing lot about myself and you can also get to know what Nayana is like when I am not writing depressing poems. (I want to reassure you once again that my life is not as sad I write.)
So here are my answers to the questions from PritAmDas:
What do you do when you are bored of doing the same thing again and again? It is in my nature to not get bored of doing same things again and again. In fact I like routine more than adventure. So that will never happen. But there are days I don’t like doing anything, nothing interest me. Those days I don’t do anything and such days also pass. Those days very very rare though.
Do you sometimes step backward and observe? If yes.. what?? Yes, I do that a lot. I step back and observe myself, life in general, people whom I thought I knew and understood. It is a painful and enlightening thing to do, but ends up making me feel helpless because it makes me realize I can never completely know anyone, not even myself.
What you do to make your loved ones happy? I try to be in good mood, spend time doing what they like, talking to them till late night. In short, being myself and being nice is enough to keep my loved ones happy. They are pretty simple and awesome people to be around.
Tell me when you have gone out of control and behaved like a freak? That happens quite often. I mostly act like a freak when I am hungry. I overreact, shout a lot, get angry, get irritated with small things (and sometimes it is funny to witness because at that point I have no idea what I am saying and can spew lot of non-sense). So it would be correct to say, depriving me of food or being near a food deprived Nayana can be harmful for anyone’s peace of mind.
If you would have given a time machine what would you do and why? After watching all the series and drama with time travel trope, I have reached a conclusion – Time travel does no good to anyone. I do not want to change anything or meet anyone. I can’t handle the complications that come with time travel. Maybe if I can see something in past without going in past, then I may like to see how Nalanda University looked like. I have been always curious about this from childhood and not sure why. But that would be it.
What is your favorite TV series? This is very very very tough question. There are so many and even attempting to list them would be a crime. So I can share with you the series I finished watched recently and loved a lot and that would be The Package. It was a really good series about a group of people visiting France and their tour guide. It is sweet and emotional. After watching that series Mont-Saint-Michel is now on my to-visit-before-I-die list of places.
The series that I am watching again currently is Moonlovers: Scarlet Heart Ryeo. It was such a good series. I am watching it for third time and it gets better every time I watch. My favorite character is Wang So.
What do you think love is? In present society? Love for me is to care and to be cared for. Love is to be stubborn and to not give up. Love is to know that this person will always stand by you no matter what. I know it doesn’t apply for everyone because for everyone love means something else. As far as present society is concerned, I do not want to comment or judge how people try to find love and be in love and how long their love last. Not only because I consider it rude, but it is insensitive as well. I have not lived their life and can never know what makes them do what they do. And to blame and criticize an age or a generation is not something I like to do. (I only complain about such things if they bug me personally)
If someone truly loves you but you don’t know due to some reason what would you do ? If I don’t know, then there is nothing for me to do in that.
If you like memes then what was your favorite and if you don’t then why? I like memes a lot, but I do not use them much. My favorite ones are that of BTS. Because they are my favorite artist/celebrities ever, so theirs are the only memes that I have in my phone. Here are some of their memes. (Not sure if it is everyone’s cup of tea, cause some of them requires context)
Have you ever done something awkward and when asked you have denied? Then what you had done? I mispronounce words all the time. But when someone points it out, I deny having said anything wrong. I put it on them that they heard it wrong. I don’t admit my mistakes that easily,(even if I know that I have done something wrong ), that is a whole big issue of my life.
What makes you feel special? When I achieve something, finish something by my efforts, I feel that I am capable of doing something in life- that makes me feel special. I consider myself not so talented, and the only thing I am good at is hard work. When that hard work pays off, it is one the best feelings in world.
At this moment I realize that by this post I have bombarded you with lots of drama pics and BTS memes. Sorry for that, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Now since we are at the end of this post, I would like to thank PritAmDas once again for nominating me and liking my work.
Also, FrejaTravels had nominated me for Mystery Blogger Award. I want to thank them as well for it. Again I apologize for the delay. I have answered their questions in the following post : Mystery Blogger Award. (You may have to scroll a lot, till you reach “Edited on 12 March 2019”)
I could no longer taste the nameless fruit that I held in my hand, that I hid in my mouth a moment ago. I fled from one home to another. I sewed my heart to another even when it pained. I tried to find myself back, pry out my heart from the cage of love even when I was happy. I wanted to miss someone. I wanted to call out a name, so that my life may not feel empty. Since I had many names on my lips, I came to know that the emptiness of my life came not from the lack of people I loved but by the lack of people who treasured me back. So I let the fruit fall to ground. I let my hunger gnaw at the my own skin. I forced myself to think of myself, by hurting myself, by asking myself to forget.
I am floating towards you against my own will. I struggle and loose against my fate, against what my heart loves. I am floating in your eyes in spite of all my flaws. I am happy that you love me.
I am floating again, floating away from you and my heart has forgotten the love I had for you. But I fear somewhere in me your are still there, hiding at places where I won’t look. So I keep looking you, so that I can be free from you. I keep looking you, even when I don’t want you.
In my sleep, I open a door to another dream where I drift in the endless ocean wearing the clothes I once wore on a school trip, on a boat that capsized on a show that I saw long ago. As I lay blinded by sun, by hunger, by life I uttered your name again and again, as if you are somewhere near, as if you would answer. Your name was the only happiness in that world. Your name was my only sorrow.
I dreamt of a cold day, of a gray sky, of your warmth dissolving in air, of your smile being erased.
I lay on your bed surrounded by, covered in all the clothes you won’t ever wear. I saw myself crying, refusing to eat or sleep waiting for a new world to be created or to leave the world that I am in.
But eventually I woke up, I cleaned up my room, I threw out everything that mattered to me. I went to shop for a stomach that knows hunger a heart that can forget, a dream, a life without you. I thought I loved you more than this.
The story that sleeps in me
it never talks of you or me.
I wait till it speaks,
till it sees.
I wait till I no longer have to convince myself
that “yours” is all I want to be.
But the story that repeats itself
tells me not to bother
with saying things I do not mean.
There is a sun in the sky
that is smaller than the hunger in my heart
and nothing can be greater than the my need to be seen.
and that all the eyes that fall on my lonesome drooping figure
will wander when I start to bloom, when I start to speak.
The story that sleeps in me
sings about how everyone leaves.