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“What I Remember (13)” – Nayana Nair

i did all that i must do
and now no one asks me what’s next.
thankfully,
no one burdens me with with their dreams anymore.
i am no longer a possible candidate for the worst,
for taking over the misfortune of my mother’s life.
i no longer have to worry about hurting my parents by
being like them or living like them.
thankfully,
what bothers me, what eats me up
is nothing that would keep anyone else awake
and that is important.

in spite of this emptiness i write about
and this loneliness that seems bigger than this world,
all this do not stop me
from laughing at jokes, craving for food that i shouldn’t eat,
dreaming of another broken love with my only lover,
from having a good time – that i will conveniently forget.
nothing i cry about, no ailing that lives in me
is too large to stop me from living.

i guess i carry an instability in my genes.
if my eyes are in the color of sadness,
i guess i got it from my parents.
and they are lovely people who somehow raised me right
in spite of having a tendency to mess up things
and their sadness with life.

tomorrow i will probably hate them frequently again
but they will nag at me when i reach home drenched in rain,
will tell me sit straight and force me to eat what will keep me alive,
will ask me to keep my phone down,
and sleep a little bit more.

they will not ask what’s wrong and that will disappoint me,
but they will let me do what i want to do (sometimes)
and they will try their best not to wrong me.
they will wish for my happiness,
even if they have no idea what makes me happy
and that is important.

because though i lived my extended teenage
believing that i had no one,
but it was not true.
i saw no one
and it is my fault.
even when i thought i was not loved
they have loved me silently.
though it was a tiring love,
it knew no end.

“A Rare Love” – Nayana Nair

Favim.com-cassette-cute-heart-love-music-nostalgia-60713

Today, I was reminded of
a fading memory
of a rather idle summer afternoon,
of me sitting on floor
in the living room
with people who loved me
and people whom I loved.
Between whom, ‘love’ word was never spoken aloud;
for whom ‘love’ was not to be taken lightly.
The rare love that didn’t demand commitment,
promises and responsibility.

flowerheart
The lightness of that afternoon,
the lightness of that love,
when we saw the same movie for nth time
laughed on same repeated jokes,
(the jokes I don’t remember),
that lightness was enough to keep us
from growing old for a long long time;
enough to assure us
that we have someone who cares.
And though we feared we would loose what we have,
today is a day much similar to that
and we are still the same.
That makes me smile.

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