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A Russian Word

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There must be a Russian word to describe what has happened
between us, like ostyt, which can be used
for a cup of  tea that is too hot, but after you walk to the next room,
and return, it is too cool; or perekhotet,
which is to want something so much over months
and even years that when you get it, you have lost
the desire.

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“Letter to a Lost Friend” , Barbara Hamby

“Hobby”- Nayana Nair

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My hobby is
to find an unclaimed space in myself
and then try to color it.
Because I am bored.
Because I have trouble
that are taking up much more spaces
and this is the only space left for me
in my own life.
And here I create,
I paint my desperation, self-doubt
on the whites of my eyes.
Again I create a monster,
again a little more space I lost,
again I lost a little of my life,
and I wonder why do I suffocate myself.

“Scavenge” – Nayana Nair

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As you scavenge you brain
for some pleasant memories
that would suit
the cold air
fogged up with impending tears.
All you can think of are
the visions
that can scorch the skin of the ‘new you’
until you are nothing but what you were.
And the only thing you can remember
is the one raindrop
that lost itself,
evaporated into the sound
that almost made you cry.

“To settle, To rest” – Nayana Nair

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I don’t know what to say.
I hear your hurt.
I feel your words against my skin.
The words that have left your mouth,
left your heart,
stay suspended alone in the air.
All I can do is
to give them some space
on my hands to settle
and to rest.
Or else,
I am afraid they will be lost
just like you.

“These days” – Nayana Nair

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These days
I want to stay away from people,
who I once called friends,
(I think they never called me that)
and I have doubts on what I feel.

flowerr
These days
I am suffering from an unexplained aversion
to human relation and condition.
My efforts are spent
in avoiding people and small talks.

flowerr
These days,
I spend my days
thinking, “What is wrong with me?’,
knowing that these feeling are weird
and still not finding something wrong
where there should be soomething wrong.
In the brief moments when I am reminded
of once dear faces,
I feel an ache,
a feeling that I have been let down,
I have been betrayed by everyone,
I have been wronged.

flowerr
These days,
I am no longer myself.
I am somewhere where
I have lost sense of myself and others.
Even though you miss me,
even though you love me,
please don’t try to bring me back.

“I want you to lie” – Nayana Nair

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Remember the flowers
with nameless existence
and the shade of kindness
in which we found hope
in our self
and in this world.
Remember why
we forgot sometimes
where we are headed.
Because we had nothing to find,
nothing to gain,
no one to wait for us
at the end of this road.
But now that we are here.
Now that you have finally reached your home.
I want you to turn around
I want you to lie.
I want you to say
that probably we are lost.

“Island” – Nayana Nair

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I have the map, I have the ship
and I know where to go.
But I end up steering my way back
to the island that I left.
Like I have done
so many times before.
I wonder
whether the map is wrong?
or
do I not want to leave?
or
is the island all that there is?

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