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“Step into the memory” – Nayana Nair

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I sing them a song
in the voice that may soothe their hearts
but fills me with feelings
which are very similar to words
like choke, suffocation and breathlessness.
Though you might not think twice about it,
I know what I have done.
I have walked into the prison that my life was.
But I love myself for taking that step
into the memory of darkness
that cannot actually hurt me.
It is just remains of the hurt that was.
But here I also find remains of ‘me’ that was.
And I am happy for I know
rarely do people get chance
to become what they were, even for a minute.

“Scavenge” – Nayana Nair

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As you scavenge you brain
for some pleasant memories
that would suit
the cold air
fogged up with impending tears.
All you can think of are
the visions
that can scorch the skin of the ‘new you’
until you are nothing but what you were.
And the only thing you can remember
is the one raindrop
that lost itself,
evaporated into the sound
that almost made you cry.

“Blue Sunsets” – Nayana Nair

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There is a blue tinted haze
to the memories of you,
that have a habit of changing colors,
of disintegrating,
before get to grasp them.
I have lost many words.
I have forgotten words you once said
and now a silent motion picture
runs in my head,
where your eyes question me,
why I do not understand.
I have lost many days.
I have no recall of the
collection of hours and seconds
that you will never forget.
But still I am at peace
to have you,
and to loose your memories.
To have this blank beautiful room,
that you can paint forever
in the colors you want,
while I look out dazed
into the sunset,
fearing the day
my memories would return.

“Again” – Nayana Nair

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I have a memory of you from a dream.
And the only thing I remember is
a shadow, a silhouette,
that reminds me of
a love that hurts,
a trust that breaks,
and regrets
deep enough to last several lives.

Yet here we meet again.

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“For my own sake” – Nayana Nair

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While I read,
the string of worlds,
the ribbon of words,
gets broken, gets tainted
by my own skewed perspective of world.
I don’t see other’s story
as a story.
I see them as manuals,
as guides,
to solve my own life.
My mind replaces each word
each face, each sorrow
with my own.
Till I no longer know
whose sorrow is it,
that fills me up and weighs me down,
whose memories
blurs my sight.

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What is written and what I read
are most often not the same.
And if ever
stories were meant to
understand this world.
I have not done it.
Every word I read,
every page I turned
was for my own sake.

“PLAYGROUNDS”-Nayana Nair

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The breaths not taken are accumulating.

It mixes with the tears not shed.

Creates a poison that lingers in my thought

but doesn’t flow into my blood.

To keep me barely alive to suffer.

Suffer from a poison of my own making.

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Slowly I forget

one small detail at a time.

I realize it only when I see this gap in memory

that my frail imagination fails to fill.

Words are slipping out of my hands.

My thoughts are no longer mine.

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All the parks have become graveyards.

Where tomorrow died a slow, slow death.

And it slips into an even slower decay.

“Sad Endings”- Nayana Nair

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Last night I was watching the movie “Vinnaithandi Varuvaya”…….liked it…..
But each time I watch movies…One thing becomes certain about my bad taste..that I’m more inclined to like those with sad endings……

For example…..some weeks ago…I was watching the same movie’s Hindi version “Ekk Deewana Tha”……you know..the story was pretty same…same music..by A.R. Rahman (Loved his music in both Hindi and Tamil version…but I liked the lyrics of Thamarai more than Javed Akhtar’s…)…the director was same…so not much difference

But the day I watched the hindi version it didn’t matter much…
I mean the movie was good and all……but you know not that impact…
but yesterday the tamil version…..it would be a crime to call it “good and all”…it was awesome
why?
because
1.the hero and heroine did better acting than that in Hindi…..
2.the dialogues seemed better….or rather the way they were said…
3…the most important point…was this one had sad ending…(unlike the Hindi version where everything gets right in the end)…here heroine married someone else…and hero was left alone…

The third reason is the most important part……..
I’m not some sadist kind of person to derive happiness from the main character’s sorrow…its just that…these kind of stories seem more real….if not real..at least for me..they make a far more impact than those happy endings….

You know…after the movie ends ..you can’t get it out of your mind….for like next three days……its like the possibilities of any other ending haunts you….you think…only if it was a happy ending…….you crave for happy ending…knowing that it was not…that thoughts fill up your mind…..and you think…all this could have been avoided if this didn’t happen…or that didn’t happen….every time you hum its tune..there’s a kind of sadness it reminds you of….

It doesn’t dampen your spirit..but you know it kind of lingers in your thought..in your heart..in your mind…the story becomes a part of you….Sometimes I imagine..how lucky and how fortunateĀ  it would be to write something like that…to write stories that people treasure in their heart…..to write the kind of stories people care about….

For me these sad ending tales are same……if even a chance…I would write a story like that….

I believe I love movies and books…just because it makes me live the life of a person ( real or imaginary) for some moments…the kind of person I may never meet…the kind of life I may never experience….it feels like for those moments you see can see the whole picture….so for me how good the film / movie is depends on to what extent I can feel them to be me…that illusion is all that counts…..I don’t know about others but for me…sorrow is something that arises empathy in me for the character….happiness..it creates empathy only if you have felt the hard work..and the determination it took the character to achieve that happiness…..So..it all boils down to the fact that the kind of movies I like to some extent ( I’d like to emphasize…TO SOME EXTENT) depends on the sorrow of the character…because when the character’s pain bring tears into my eyes….its because of empathy…on the contrary the happiness…that brings smile on my lips..to a large extent is sympathy…

Like I loved the movie “Ghajini”..very much..although I liked the Hindi version better than the Tamil one, maybe..that’s due to the Aamir Khan effect…anyway….sometimes I think , would I have liked the movie this much..if everything was happy in it…if heroine didn’t die..if the hero didn’t suffer too much..if everything could be changed…..but my answer would have been no…its what the hero suffered for heroine that endears him to the viewer…

Similarly..another favorite movie of mine is X MEN ORIGINS WOLVERINE that was something that would stay in my heart..why..the reasons would be same as that of the above film….the moment the heroine dies..your heart just skips a beat..as you never thought it would happen…and never wished it would happen..and when you know all that was a lie…you can really feel what the hero must have felt…..because it was not only the hero who was cheated …you were also felt cheated because you know what he had to go through to get to her…to get revenge of her death…and how much she meant to him…and how do you know that?…because you saw his pain..you felt his pain….(another possible reason couls be this, which I read on another site: “he has hazel brown and green eyes. Plus, there’s a hint of pain in those eyes. Women love that”)

Sometimes I wonder….maybe its our sorrow that glues us together..more than love…..

But why am I writing this rubbish boring speech….because I feel…years from now I would change…this theory of mine won’t be applicable on me…and then I would laugh at the kind of things I used to believe in…the kind of stupid opinions I had……this all won’t matter to me…..

But right now…I still wish…years from now…I want to believe in this…how sick this belief maybe…still I want to believe in this forever….to believe its the sorrow..its the pain that adds value to love.

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