Was it 5 years ago, or 6
that we all sat together
looking at the bright beginning
of another series of setbacks
that we were becoming.
The coldness of the wood,
the ruffle of papers, the moment before
we learned to truly hate ourselves.
I miss that.
As we stood waiting in line
for something to take away
everything we were just beginning to see,
I remember thinking,
“I wish I could spend my youth here.
In this moment, with these people.
I am nothing to them, they are nothing to me.
But we are good for each other.
This can never be made again.”
At that moment I knew
they will make my heart ache
for a long time.
In the years that followed
I saw them,
the people who carried the faces
of the ones
I liked enough not to love.
“What’s wrong?” I wanted to ask them
but all I could do was smile
and let my smile tell them
“I will see you for what you were.
At least that I can do for you.
The beauty of your innocence and hope
I will remember it forever.”
Tag Archives: miss
Was it 5 years ago, or 6
told me about rain
that might turn to snow
which might turn to pain in my knees,
it might turn into wishing for summer
(summer is always you lying on couch tired
cursing gods for seasons you hate),
it might move my hands towards the pills
that rarely save anyone needing saving
(i really don’t trust pills
if you are not the one handing them to me).
today’s forecast tells me i should stay in,
stay away from stepping out of myself,
that in my world only minefields of you are remaining.
i happened to find a picture of yours
a blue ocean engulfing two shadows
it must have killed you
to have come back alone
to sit and imagine what she could lived like
if you were the one lost and buried in the sea
even though you are wretched and she is gone
but it is because you held her hand too tight
that you still feel her hand
slipping from yours every night
have you come to find the life, the hand
that lit every eye that you have come across?
you can sit here and look at me for your whole life
but you won’t forget the one whom you cannot face.
she had a sweeter heart than mine, i can guess.
every lover in their best moment were as lovely as this mother earth.
i won’t compete, i won’t love you better.
tell me the parts of you that she lit, i will let them burn you away.
i won’t talk like her, i won’t tell you i understand.
so hold my hand and miss her as much as you can.
in my lacking, see her face.
take the name you have been dreading to approach.
confess your love to the one you have lost.
make peace with the part of you that won’t let her memory rest.
divinity only takes away things that you treasure.
so, remembering is the only easy way to forget.
now that we both are standing lost
at this market to sell our heart.
now when you are just a silent mural,
i feel like pretending to miss you.
in fact, that is the only thing i do.
every day, i write something
that could make a better monster of you.
every night, i get better at shedding fake tears.
our love looks like a lost cause even now,
but it looks more beautiful
since there is nothing real about it anymore.
“it is all fiction”, i tell them.
“i am a liar”, i shout.
but they love me anyway.
they love me the way you should have,
you could have, it was the easiest thing to do.
there were so many easy things,
things that will never be easy again.
since, i have chosen the most ridiculous way to live
and the most difficult the way to die,
the only non-pathetic way to die in our love.