Things that make me happy

universe fireflie has tagged me in this really sweet post about ten things that make me happy.
I will try to answer them to the best of my ability, but it is going to be tough. If you are aware of my writing, you would have noticed that I am more than capable of writing about sad depressing stuff. So writing about things that makes me happy is a bit weird for me. So before I make this more awkward…let’s start!!!
WARNING: This is a really really long post.

In no particular order…

My Sister
When I think of happiness, my sister is the first person that comes to my mind. It would be an understatement if I say that I am extremely fond of my sister. She is my favorite person in this world. I love how sweet she is, how much curiosity she has for the world, the genuine interests that we both share. Any day, anytime spent with her is bound to be filled with happiness- may it be the serene calm type of happiness or laughing out hearts out type happiness. She is crucial to my happiness.
I am lucky that I happen to be the sister of my best friend. 🙂
Afterthoughts: My sister draws really well. I am so proud of her that I can’t help but promote her work here. She will probably kill me for this though.
Here are the links to my sister’s work, if you are interested : WordPress, Instagram, and Youtube.

Books
I love to read. I am not sure if what I read is intellectual or refined enough. But I like what I like – mostly fiction and poetry. I think reading is what led me to have love for words and even for this world. Books make me believe that there is a meaning in everything, that life is meaningful. It is the kind of assurance that life by itself has never been able to give me. I wouldn’t categorize books into a means to escape from life, but rather a new layer to life that makes me more tolerant of people and world. I love buying books, reading them, finding more books to read. Even the sight of my bookshelf, the thought of all the books that I am yet to read, even adding a new book into my “to read” list makes me feel excited.
Afterthought: On that note, here is a quote from the book I am reading currently:
“Running might take her forward, it could even take her home; but it couldn’t take her back–not ten minutes, ten hours, not ten years or days. And that was tough, as Hely would say. Tough: since back was the way she wanted to go, since the past was the only place she wanted to be.”
― Donna Tartt, The Little Friend

BTS
I will try not to make this too long (because I know I am fully capable of turning this into a 8 hour presentation on BTS).
I love BTS. I love their music, their performances, their passion, their ethics, their character, etc. I cannot possibly explain what effect they have had on my life. I would say they have deepened my passions, made me believe in the goodness in world, and made me believe in the goodness that I am capable of. My life is thousand times better with them in it. They have touched and changes millions of lives through their music, through their existence. I wish they also find the happiness that they want.
I low-key love ARMY – BTS fans who have showered them with all the love they deserve and who try to protect them as much as they can.
Afterthoughts: I think almost every person has one artist whose works resonates with them. BTS just happens to be that artist whose work has most effect on me. I think we should treasure that, always remember that feeling of looking at life with a person who just happens to think about life the same way we do. It is not about supremacy of one artist over other, about loving the artist that made you understand and love ourselves.

Music
My love for music is equivalent to my love of books. Maybe I love music a bit more than books. Each song that I love or like is an experience in itself, those few minutes makes me forget myself and sometimes remind who I am and who I was. I can listen to the same song many many times and only to love it more. I do not have a favorite genre or anything. I think it solely depends on the song.
Afterthoughts:
-Even though I try to explore as many songs as possible in as many language as possible, but most of the time I am not aware of the “popular” stuff. You might even think I am living under a rock. Now, I do not believe that popular songs are bad or good. I am not a person who is against mainstream music. It is just that I am so caught up in the things that I like that I do not get time to even look at other stuff. I sort of live in my own bubble.
– BTS gets its own separate point here, because my love for them is on a whole new level. Their music is awesome. But they are so much more than their music. Stanning BTS is a way of life.

Writing
I think I am a person who has zero confidence in herself. I do not think I am especially gifted in anything. I am not particularly intelligent or beautiful or funny or creative. And I take writing in the same spirit. I do not think I am exceptional at writing, but I love writing. I love the fact that I can write average good stuff some days. I love the 2000 lines of drafts that will never make to a post. When I write, I love how much clearer and focused my head is. I love my writing more when someone else find comfort in my words. I agree that writing with a regular job is difficult and bit pressurizing but writing gives me such joy, that I don’t think I can possibly quit writing.
Afterthoughts: I once heard about a rule that one cannot estimate themselves correctly. So I am probably worse or better than what I think I am. I hope my writing is better than what I think it is.

Internet
There were so many things to list here, so I collectively grouped them as “internet”. But then who doesn’t love internet. It is sort of basic thing that a lot of us take for granted. Having access to so much content, so much information makes me happy. I love the hour that I uselessly spend on looking at memes, the hours I spend playing and upgrading stuff on games that will take me nowhere in life, the hour I spend on watching videos, all the silly hilarious stuff that I retweet at 2 am, binge reading everything about MBTI on Quora, reading random articles that I will end up forgetting anyways. Though it is just a stream of easy to consume media, but still it does make us happy in some ways. And that happiness is significant in itself.
Afterthoughts: I am aware everything is not picture perfect on internet. Internet depresses us also. But with I have learnt to leave online spaces that make me feel bad about myself uselessly.
I am not good with interacting with people online, that is one thing that I cannot enjoy. It is not about whether these people are friends or strangers. I just have a feeling that I have nothing to say that the other person would be interested to know about. (That’s the reason that I silently like your posts rather than leaving the comment you deserve.)
I don’t like to stay online for long also. The moment I finish doing what I had in my mind, I switch off my data. Because I just can’t handle all the notifications. I like the dear old SMS to communicate rather than the new efficient apps with awesome features.

Series/Movies/Stories
Watching series and movies is another joy to me, something that I spend a lot of my time on. Every thing I have watched, every character that I have watched is equivalent to a life that I have lived briefly. I don’t do binge watch though. I like some time to think over everything. That is the pace I am comfortable – to watch something and reflect on it, think about it, to anticipate what is yet to come for the whole day. I think that feeling the story grow in you as you go about your everyday life is an essential part of the whole experience, a part that adds more importance to what I am watching.
Afterthoughts: Again as with music, I have no idea of the popular stuff. I just see what I end up finding. I do have list of stuff to see but that is based on word-of-mouth suggestion from people who like the same things as me.
I do not have a favorite movie or series or book. Naming favorites is too tough for me. For each story, each actor, each director etc. has their own charm. That would be like comparing apples to oranges.

Everything emotional/sentimental/sort of spiritual
I do not look like an emotional person, but I am. I am an INFJ with Cancer zodiac, what else can you expect but an over-sentimental person. I like anything that seeks to explore or talk about these sentiment, anything that values human emotions and shows how complicated and simple it can be. Similarly, I have same feeling about works related to spirituality. I enjoy the company of people who genuinely have something to talk on these topics. I am not into talking about people but talking about ideas. Not the ideas that change the world, but ideas that helps me understand why we feel the way we feel, ideas that give me insight into the tiny limited world.
Afterthought: I think I am not one of those people who can or want to change the world. My mind never wanders into that direction. All I think about is my understanding of world and how to perfect that understanding. Sometimes I think I am a narcissist and self-absorbed person because of that.

Lazing around/Sleeping
I don’t react well to stress. So I am always looking forward to a good sleep or a day without schedules or deadline. A day that I can waste away makes me happy. Even though lazing around for me again means books/music/series etc. Even when it is not busy it is still a busy life.

Being Busy
As much as I like lazing around, I like being busy more. Because of my sense of being less than average and constant feeling of not being good enough. I don’t handle free time well. I feel that no one needs me, the world will work without me also. That I have nothing to offer to world. It is a very sad feeling. So I try to do my work properly, try to do by best in everything. I like the days that I have work myself to point of losing all my energy. So that I can enjoy all the things I love (everything mentioned above) without guilt.
Afterthought: It is not that I cannot sit still or introspect without driving myself to the point of sadness. I like introspection a lot. But having days and weeks of time for just introspection makes me feel like a useless person.

Things that almost made to this list but didn’t (and why):

Food
I used to enjoy eating a lot. I still love good food. But I can’t eat or enjoy it as I used to. Something has changed in me, maybe I am growing old. Now I don’t have that much craze for it.

Friends
I don’t think I am good at friendship. I loved my friends while I was with them. But then apart from the brief time of companionship, there nothing much left of those time now. My expectation from friendship I think is a bit too much. I think in the long run friendships don’t give me happiness.

“Sad Endings”- Nayana Nair

Last night I was watching the movie “Vinnaithandi Varuvaya”…….liked it…..
But each time I watch movies…One thing becomes certain about my bad taste..that I’m more inclined to like those with sad endings……

For example…..some weeks ago…I was watching the same movie’s Hindi version “Ekk Deewana Tha”……you know..the story was pretty same…same music..by A.R. Rahman (Loved his music in both Hindi and Tamil version…but I liked the lyrics of Thamarai more than Javed Akhtar’s…)…the director was same…so not much difference

But the day I watched the hindi version it didn’t matter much…
I mean the movie was good and all……but you know not that impact…
but yesterday the tamil version…..it would be a crime to call it “good and all”…it was awesome
why?
because
1.the hero and heroine did better acting than that in Hindi…..
2.the dialogues seemed better….or rather the way they were said…
3…the most important point…was this one had sad ending…(unlike the Hindi version where everything gets right in the end)…here heroine married someone else…and hero was left alone…

The third reason is the most important part……..
I’m not some sadist kind of person to derive happiness from the main character’s sorrow…its just that…these kind of stories seem more real….if not real..at least for me..they make a far more impact than those happy endings….

You know…after the movie ends ..you can’t get it out of your mind….for like next three days……its like the possibilities of any other ending haunts you….you think…only if it was a happy ending…….you crave for happy ending…knowing that it was not…that thoughts fill up your mind…..and you think…all this could have been avoided if this didn’t happen…or that didn’t happen….every time you hum its tune..there’s a kind of sadness it reminds you of….

It doesn’t dampen your spirit..but you know it kind of lingers in your thought..in your heart..in your mind…the story becomes a part of you….Sometimes I imagine..how lucky and how fortunate  it would be to write something like that…to write stories that people treasure in their heart…..to write the kind of stories people care about….

For me these sad ending tales are same……if even a chance…I would write a story like that….

I believe I love movies and books…just because it makes me live the life of a person ( real or imaginary) for some moments…the kind of person I may never meet…the kind of life I may never experience….it feels like for those moments you see can see the whole picture….so for me how good the film / movie is depends on to what extent I can feel them to be me…that illusion is all that counts…..I don’t know about others but for me…sorrow is something that arises empathy in me for the character….happiness..it creates empathy only if you have felt the hard work..and the determination it took the character to achieve that happiness…..So..it all boils down to the fact that the kind of movies I like to some extent ( I’d like to emphasize…TO SOME EXTENT) depends on the sorrow of the character…because when the character’s pain bring tears into my eyes….its because of empathy…on the contrary the happiness…that brings smile on my lips..to a large extent is sympathy…

Like I loved the movie “Ghajini”..very much..although I liked the Hindi version better than the Tamil one, maybe..that’s due to the Aamir Khan effect…anyway….sometimes I think , would I have liked the movie this much..if everything was happy in it…if heroine didn’t die..if the hero didn’t suffer too much..if everything could be changed…..but my answer would have been no…its what the hero suffered for heroine that endears him to the viewer…

Similarly..another favorite movie of mine is X MEN ORIGINS WOLVERINE that was something that would stay in my heart..why..the reasons would be same as that of the above film….the moment the heroine dies..your heart just skips a beat..as you never thought it would happen…and never wished it would happen..and when you know all that was a lie…you can really feel what the hero must have felt…..because it was not only the hero who was cheated …you were also felt cheated because you know what he had to go through to get to her…to get revenge of her death…and how much she meant to him…and how do you know that?…because you saw his pain..you felt his pain….(another possible reason couls be this, which I read on another site: “he has hazel brown and green eyes. Plus, there’s a hint of pain in those eyes. Women love that”)

Sometimes I wonder….maybe its our sorrow that glues us together..more than love…..

But why am I writing this rubbish boring speech….because I feel…years from now I would change…this theory of mine won’t be applicable on me…and then I would laugh at the kind of things I used to believe in…the kind of stupid opinions I had……this all won’t matter to me…..

But right now…I still wish…years from now…I want to believe in this…how sick this belief maybe…still I want to believe in this forever….to believe its the sorrow..its the pain that adds value to love.