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Tag Archives: myself

“The more I walk, the smaller my world becomes” – Nayana Nair

What am I leaving behind
that I force myself to smile only because it hurts?

What am I leaving behind
that I hear my voice calling out to myself day and night?

Being saved, being loved
is the ending I cannot accept for myself.
Not anymore.

Whom have I hurt so badly
that all I want is – to be never at peace?

“If only to move forward” – Nayana Nair

Rather than to hate you,
or hate myself.
I choose to hate this world
for messing up with your head and my heart.
It’s a hatred I have mastered.
The only hatred that makes me move forward
even if out of spite.

“i hope i forget this life” – Nayana Nair

matter, substance, meaning…
as my vocabulary expanded with such words,
i knew,
i had an inkling
that this is how
i would be disillusioned,
with such small words
i would be driven to despair.

i would find there is another face behind every smile,
and that some of those upturned lips are just empty coffins.
a smile so sad, a wordless lie
so easily becomes the most normal thing.

but do i even want to know
who lives behind such elaborate masks?
do i care to know how they breathe?
do i want to know who breathes in me?
or whether anyone really care about me?

i knew that now,
given that i have learnt to ask
all the questions whose answers can’t be verified,
living and trusting was bound to become harder.
now that i knew
that i am not capable of knowing myself,
seeing my reflection
was bound to get painful and confusing.
confusion is such a small word
for what life does to us.
all the small words
that are easily said than meant-
i hope i forget them
before i forget myself.

“I am not mistaken. I know it doesn’t hurt you.” – Nayana Nair

I wish for once to be unstable enough,
to lose it for once,
to kill every part of me that wants to take your name
every minute of the day,
to throw away this shit that you have
engraved me into-
into your bigger plans, into your list of exes,
into the list of girls who would never be good enough for you,
into the the stories you would prepare in advance for you next girl,
stories with my name,
into the list of people you block and regularly check on
just to ensure they do not find happiness without you.
I want to do something other that to be bothered by your existence,
to be obsessed of my role and use in your life,
that is now separate from mine.
I want to be myself for once, than to be just another girl
whom you no longer want.

“Help Me” – Nayana Nair

Close my eyes
with your gentle kiss.
Help me out a bit.
Help me build a better lie.
Help me anyway that love allows.
Help me find a way to live
without hurting myself or others.
Help me
till I become blind
or till I learn to accept
all that is wrong with this world
and all that is wrong with me.

Close my eyes
with your gentle kiss
and let me leave this world
with your love
when the time comes.

“I hate this convenience” – Nayana Nair

Everyday I dislike my love
for you a little bit more.
All this talk about convenience,
about being of use to each other
should not be called love.
If I love you because you understand me
then it is not you who I love
but anyone who can understands me.

“i am comfortable with you” “you make me feel special”
“you can heal me” “i like spending time with you”
“you listen to me” “you treat me well”
“you are beautiful” (how you look pleases my eyes and my heart)

My liking you
seems more about me than about you.
I am disappointed by how I love only for myself.
Why aren’t you?

“Ending the Blue Days” – Nayana Nair

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as i walk among all that should be ruins, i feel humbled. i feel stupid to think that these small sorrows of mine are something that could end this world.

i find another overused word on my lips again – promises. they remind me of promises. they remind of having something more important than ones own life. what does it even feel like to have something like that? do i even want to know?

i wonder who dreamed of a place like this, where all the birds seem to be running away from same things as me.

here, maybe here, i could forget all that i shouldn’t forget. here, maybe here is where my endless toil, my yearning meant to take me. this is good place to end, to kill my love for this world, to kill the hate i have for myself.

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