“INFINITE NIGHT”- Nayana Nair

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The shadows didn’t exist nor any shades,

It was dark and black that never fades

Sounds,whisper,laughter and lament

Of people like me who came and went.

The dark didn’t frighten nor depress me,

For it was like this, from the time I’ve seen

From people I heard of lights and rainbows,

Things all have heard and no one knows.

We kept walking aimlessly and directionless

We kept walking cause that’s the only thing to do.

Sometimes I’d bump into sweet sounding people,

People who like me had always been walking.

We talked of things not-yet-ours,

of days not-yet-come

Of things that would change our lives

Of things that would bring our death.

And heard tales of light,

weaved in hope and lies

Of hanging drop of light,

That carries the weight of the night.

And we never spoke of our walk,

Of the times we’d fallen,

Of times we trampled people

In search of the light.

I guess that was what

The darkness was about.

To move forward in spite of all.

To reach a fine moment

In this infinite night

When we no longer have to walk.

Till another darkness engulfs us all.

“WHERE COLORS MERGE”- Nayana Nair

 

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As a child, they were, a wonder,

The brown stone bridge and the blue flowing under,

The green withering away on reaching the path,

The fiery red flames spitting everywhere its wrath,

The yellow sun, or orange maybe,

The pink that clouded the hands of babies,

The black cold night and the white snowflakes,

When colors had life, that was ours to take.

And today on the bridge I stand,

With withered white dissolving the pink of my hand.

Where went the colors? the wonder?

Now red is just love or danger.

The yellow just a hideous bright color,

The blue is for rain: for eyes or weather,

The green has, now, no space to grow,

Other colors, with time, come and go.

The people too are colored now

In their cheerful oranges,

Or gloomy blue nights.

In the black ashen hearts,

Or in the red gore fights.

In the yellow sunny smiles,

Or the lifeless aged white.

In the carefree green lives,

And colorful soaring kites.

But you my friend,

You my love,

Are very hard to define.

I look hard,

And guess I might,

But I’ll never get it right.

For you are where my judgment fails,

With your color having neither meaning nor shade.

As I stand at this rationality’s edge,

I see

You are, where all my colors merge.

“VIRTUE OF FOOLISHNESS”- NAYANA NAIR

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Feeling the cold metal at her neck

In the cramped up space where she sat,

She looked out of the window, with her mind

Far way from what reached her eyes.

 

Reflecting, how foolish she had always been,

Foolish for believing people without any doubt,

To hold onto them even if they hurt her,

To accept people for who they are but never accept herself.

 

To have let go of her esteem for them,

To have thought that they’d value her, a fraction of how much she did.

 

And she thought of everything

She had done that led her to this day,

Where people saw her as someone not worth respecting,

For each time she would let go of her pride.

Not worth the effort, for she won’t demand it,

Not worth the love, cause she didn’t deserve it.

 

But as she cried at all the hurt,

The shame, the loss and herself.

With her hand held open

Waiting for a hand to hold it.

She turned her back to the past

That haunted her, that hurt her

To look at him, beside her.

 

And she remembered how she’d

Been more of a fool for him than anyone.

How she was foolish to make

Someone centre of her life,

To love someone more than herself.

For a girl who couldn’t bear

The scars of betrayed little affections,

How could she hope to survive

The love that’d shatter her.

 

For she knew

She was nothing and could mean nothing to anyone.

So how could she mean something to him?

She knew

That if everyone saw her as a liar

How could she expect him to believe her?

She knew

That she’d lost herself the moment she chose love above respect

How could she expect him to embrace her and take pride in her?

For she knew

What she was

She was just a fool.

 

But in spite of knowing this

She accepted the love she’d found.

For a moment she found meaning to live,

And she felt glad to be there

And to have known what her life could have been,

To have felt his love,

To have known that she’ll always be loved.

Anything else didn’t matter

For being foolish was her virtue

That led her to him.

 

And when she felt the warmth of his hands in hers

And saw him smile through all his pain,

She could see that he felt he was foolish to be there,

He was her foolishness,

And she was his.

With the same insecurities in his heart,

He chose to love her as long as he can.

As long as his soul could bear this pain.

As long as his heart could love.

As long as she would love him back.

So they’ll stay together as long as their stupidity allowed.

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“SEARCH”- Nayana Nair

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Day and night she felt it

that emptiness that lived within her

which engulfed her life

and enveloped her being

it had its own throbbing heart

and a hunger to be fulfilled

its throbbing each minute

reminded her of futility of life

whatever she may do

wherever she may go

only this emptiness she knew

only this emptiness she had

she fed it all her life

with some lines of songs,

with some words by the wise,

with music and art,

with food, with achievements,

with friends, fame and false love,

with the meaningful and the meaningless

but it stayed, it throbbed

with hunger unsatisfied

and one day someone came in

with a smile and a helping hand

with faith and with love,

and suddenly the throbbing stopped

it was not now within, but without

the throbbing she searched

and found it within his heart

and he found his within hers.

“MORNINGS, AFTERNOONS AND EVENINGS” –Nayana Nair

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Mornings I’m up, I sit up and gaze,
To follow a train of thought, that I can’t even trace.
Afternoons are dull, with stillness all around.
I eat and lie down listening to some songs,
Or sometimes I doze off reading something,
It drowns all the voices in my head, some peace that brings.
Evenings, as usual are spent in laughter with a tea,
As sitting there I try to convince myself of what I really feel.
Its nights that are horrible for me,
As I realize how futile has my day gone by,
How I was running blindly in every direction I found,
Just to return to what I was running from.
Not to confront the loss, and its pain,
And all efforts to ignore them gone vain.
As I find my thoughts going back to then again,
To the reality there was and only loss that can be,
For when you hurt me, and when you lied,
And when you faked grief when I cried,
When you spoke about me behind my back.
Laughing at my pain, and discuss what all I lack.
When for a stranger you left me all alone.
I realized I’ve lost you now.
Maybe I’d lost you long ago,
Or maybe I’d never lost you,
for how can I loose what I never found.
So as these mornings, afternoon and evening go by,
I do not grieve for you, nor I ever will,
And it is not for you that in sorrow I lie,
Nor it is for you that my heart is bitter and still,
And I’ll never shed a tear, for the kind of friend you were.
And never in my lifetime would I wish you were here.
But my only loss, only sorrow is what I’ve really lost,
My real loss was the loss of trust in myself.
And loss of my carefree trusting mind.
And loss for the heart that cared and believed
And losing a part of me, that I can never find
For all I’ve suffered, you were not worth this loss,
And I did not deserve this pain,
To try to find what is not there,
For my mornings, afternoons and evenings, can never be mine again

“VOICES”- Nayana Nair

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And for the times I’ve hurt you,

and have made you feel small,

and when life was a mess and

about us you weren’t sure at all.

Don’t take my words to heart,

as for me there can never be a new start,

past haunts me and destroys my present,

its like voices only I hear,

that make me appear insane,

I live with these voices,

that speak of uncertainty,

and sing tales of broken trust,

and lulls a song of doubt in me,

and fill my life with fear.

They cloud my judgement ,

alter my view.

makes me behave the way I do.

I want to make them stop,

but I don’t know how,

And if they’ll live with me till I die,

and if I’ll hurt my loved ones till that day,

why wait so long when that day can be today.

And what pains more is,

its me who’s hurting you,

and I can do nothing about it.

I would have left these voice behind,

only if the would let go of me.

They whisper day and night,

of long ago betrayals ,

and how it’ll happen again.

They tell me , everyone can hurt me,

and they’ll do so given a chance.

They tell me that I’m not worthy of any love,

and should be beware of those,

who promise me the same.

For those will be the one’s who’ll make me laugh,

and make me feel good and special,

and one day out of blue, they’ll change,

and leave me abandoned with few more voices and unhealed scars.

And they tell me that to be indifferent,

lonely and cold-hearted is what I must do,

and never should I gift my trust to another,

for it’ll be a gift thrown away after being misused.

And what hurts me is that,

my fears are gifting you too some scar.

And spreading that same fear in your heart,

and same voices will haunt you like me,

and your scars will remind of the bad person I was.

My fears, my voices will then yours too,

and to protect myself from the illusion of threat,

that the voices create, I fear I’ll hurt you too.

and we’ll both be then broken souls,

who’ll have someone else to blame.

And that I’ll be reason of the pain you’ll suffer,

and you’ll never be able to trust someone again,

That in return of you love,

all I can give, is these voices and these fears,

as its all that I have and is all that I am,

its all I can be and all that I’m left with.

But I too selfish to let go of you,

for you’re the cure to these voices,

and your love, your look and your embrace,

make me feel that all pain is bearable,

And I feel in those few moments with you,

there’s hope, there’s love and there is still a chance left.

A chance to see this world for what it is ,

through your eyes, for once I’ll be what I could have been.

“Gift of an Afternoon”- Nayana Nair

 

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Years from now, on a dull June afternoon,

I picture you, in an unknown time and place.

Sitting by a window, in world distant and new,

and for a moment at the sky you’ll gaze.

 

And if your mind will wander away,

through the narrow and dusty road of past.

In the memories of people and their ways,

in the moments that drifted away so fast.

 

In the list of regrets, dreams and hopes,

In the summing up of life’s losses and gain.

In the people you’ve hurt by the words you spoke,

in the love you gave and in return got pain.

 

In those crowd of memories of wrong and right,

if for a moment I pass your thought,

if for that second you miss my voice, my sight,

and see what we were, are and what we sought.

 

Smile at those meaningless musings and jokes,

and miss those moment of bliss, sorrow and love,

and if suddenly life drags you to reality,

and you’ll forget me till another dull noon.

 

That will be your biggest gift to me,

for in the life I won’t longer be a part of,

if you’ll think of me for a second or two,

and if my memory stays somewhere in you.

 

I will be happy in these little moments,

for you’ll be lead back to me in these thoughts.

For, these moments of reminiscence

are all that matters and all that counts.

 

And never forget, that in another world,

by another window, another desk,

will be a girl who’ll look at the same sky,

and gift some moments thinking of you.

“PARALLEL WORLDS”- Nayana Nair

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Pretty little faces, with smile reaching their eyes,

the cold hearted  ones, who ignore others cries,

the ignorant group of people, always truth they deny,

those who chose to live in fantasy, and in dreams chose to fly.

Who is here so right,

to declare others wrong?

Whoever wins the fight

is he only strong?

The world exits in parallels,

but we chose to see only one.

We are blinded by our self imposed shell,

when all is said and done.

A stranger more dear,

than your dearest friend.

An unexpected person who

holds your hand till the end.

The judge of others character,

himself failed by his judgement.

life is infact too long,

to have a hated enemy or to have a dearest friend.

Cause the hands that once held you,

may no longer be yours to hold.

The warmest smiling faces

will one day, turn cold.

“A NEW PLACE, A NEW SHORE”- Nayana Nair

(Image taken from :howtogetexback.org )

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My heart, my house, my place for escape,

Has not been looked after and is in a pretty bad shape.

Although I see beauty in every other direction,

But my gaze is fixed on this building, for which no one has affection.

But the fault was mine and mine alone,

Whom I gave my undivided attention, are long gone.

And what’s left behind is the heart I never cared for,

A heart, that doesn’t complain for always being ignored.

But today I stand at my own heart’s door,

To ask for forgiveness from my soul’s core.

For chasing the shadows that were never meant to be mine,

For it was you who created them for me, it was you light divine.

So let’s restore the happiness you held before,

Let’s move our house to a new place, a new shore.

And remove this dust from our heart’s windows,

Let’s plant the seed of joy that forever will grow.

“WE’LL NEVER KNOW” – Nayana Nair

(Image taken from bee-box.tumblr.com)

Look at the faces on a crowded lane,
Every face with dozens of emotion is stained.
With hundreds of worries in their brains,
Still with courage and smile, they live, they bear that pain.

But no one’s here to gaze at other’s  face,
Just wishing to live one more day, without going insane.
Trying to hide themselves, disappointments and craze,
Each smile they witness only reminds them of their own pain.

Every one hiding their past,
Their selfishness, desires and fiendish acts.
Just a written script everyday they enact,
The lives you see are all an illusion not fact.

Behind the illusive smiles and cheers,
There’s a night sky studded with fears.
Ans curtain of never ending tears,
An ocean of pain we find hard to bear.

But even with a common sorrow, a common fight,
They crush each other in darkness, for their own delight.
Ignoring reason, sympathy or truth’s light,
Each one struggling to prove their own might.

Maybe that’s what life is,
And what it always will be.
Maybe we’ll always be a bunch of biased sadists,
Reason who ignore to see.
Or maybe we’re supposed to rise above these boundaries,
Embrace each other and live free.
Or maybe we’ll never know,
What we’re meant to be.