“CLAIM”- Nayana Nair

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As her gaze was fixed somewhere

I can never be.

And her cruel words made

every sweet memory bitter.

Her words full of hatred for me,

but her action full of love.

As her smile never reached her eyes

and her heartbeat I could never find.

I looked at her

trying to find the one who loved me once

only to find someone chained to me by fate.

Who claims to love me

but never does.

I am her mirror,

always was.

Her love fed my love

and her anger fueled mine.

I shrink back to my own shattered shell

away from her accusing eyes,

away from her cold touch.

Not for revenge,

but to hurt myself before she could.

Maybe one day she would look at me

And try to find the one who loved her once

but end up with what I feel now.

Claim over someone, but not their love.

“JEWEL ROUND THE NECK”- Nayana Nair

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As this light streams into my shielded existence

To light up these lines and touch my soul.

I’m reminded of all the lights in past

That have done so before.

The light that scorched my skin, as I sipped melting ice.

The fiery orange haze around which we sang.

And the streaks of rainbows moving across our notes

From the scales we held in our hand.

The lazy and tired rays of sun

Finding their way through December mist

to reach multitude of small droopy eyes

And prayer chanting lips.

The mosaic of lights of shops and streetss

Where the light from the mirror revealed your smile.

The light in my eyes your presence brings.

The faint light of dawn that filled up my mind.

I wish to gather all such light

All the tiny relevant drops

Even irrelevant splashes

To string them into one

Incomplete jewel round the neck

With that last piece , last light missing.

I wonder what it would be like.

Would it be like my first forgotten light

Or will it be the light of your eyes,

That will see me off at the edge.

Where all pains and joys vanish.

Where bodies die and memories die.

And love becomes eternal with fading light.

“ANTS”- Nayana Nair

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As you all walked

To your homes, to your love

To where the crowd takes you.

With love and hatred

And worries in your minds.

With life still in your veins.

I sat there, up above,

Looking down at you,

Oblivious of me, of him.

Of the knots that tightened

Around his neck each second.

While he saw everyone, even himself

Wrenching away from his grasp

The only life he would ever have.

I looked at him beside me

And looked at you down below.

And wondered whether anyone of you

Will remember his face,

Will know his life.

Maybe your hostile glance

Was the last nail that

Broke open his heart.

Someone like you planted that seed

Of self-hatred in him long ago.

I looked at his cuts and bruises

And thoughts of the nights he wrestled

With his thoughts and deeds

He wouldn’t confide nor confess.

As if he was the ant that was

Crushed beneath your boots.

And I wonder, how many other

Were still getting crushed.

Sitting there on that rooftop

With my friend

With stars above my head

And humanity below.

I saw him fall

Fall down in to the darkness.

And I cried as I lost my friend.

And he cried as he lost himself.

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“PLACE” – Nayana Nair

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The empty pit

Where skeleton of betrayed expectation lie,

turning to ash.

The empty cupboard

haunted by ghosts of abandonment

of things that were taken

by those who left their love behind.

The place where everything could be

but nothing is.

I am that place.

A place filled with a ‘lack’.

So I guessed it would be easier

to fill those spaces with you.

With your glances and your words.

By devouring the air you breathed.

Hoping it will slip into this nothingness

and make it something.

That your tears will seep into my skin

to fill the space that was left behind

when everyone has had a piece of me.

But the lapping waves of your being

soon turned to an endless ocean.

From where I couldn’t find my way back.

The beautiful shimmering ocean

where I drown, where I couldn’t breathe.

The place where there exists nothing but you

not even me.

“BEHIND THE WORDS”-Nayana Nair

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On the strings of her tears

She weaved that veil

Word-by-word

Letter-by-letter

From the immortal tales

Of the forgotten and forgone,

From the shattered hearts

of wise souls unknown.

Tales of broken fates

And healing hearts.

Of agitated whispers

And Beautiful scars.

Of intentions and actions,

Of helplessness of the cruel

And darkness in the heats of kind.

Of kinds of love and hate

And the bleak line that separates them.

With each word she weaved

She became invisible to the imperfect world.

And away from its judging eyes,

She waited for her life to begin,

For a reason to come out.

She waited for the promised love.

She waited so long that

The veil became her face.

That the tally marks of time

Wrinkled her skin and diminished her hopes.

She waited

Till there was nothing to wait for.

She spent her life waiting.

Waiting behind the words,

Living inside the veil.

“A LONG WALK”-Nayana Nair

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The boy walked slowly

In step with her heartbeat.

Tears the sky cried last night

Flowed at his feet.

Through the cracked pebbled path

That shimmered like her tresses.

He didn’t glance back

For he felt her eyes on him everywhere.

He knew

Not her name, not her abode,

But that she was in his life forever.

In the form of passing shadows

And in the form of sunlit windows.

He need not hold onto her,

Nor follow her,

Nor please or disappoint her.

He need not name this feeling,

Or cling to it, for he knew

She had become the meaning of his life.

He heard her singing

Beneath the lamp post they stood.

The sparks of laughter

That spilled from her eyes

Lighted his dull spirit.

The streets that he walked now,

The blue street with washed out black,

Where she walked with him

Will never be the same.

These streets will be the

Address of his happiness

And her image will stand there

Welcoming him home.

It was a long walk

For the boy with the lighted spirit

To drag his earthly body

Away from her presence,

Away from life.

“CURSE”-Nayana Nair

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To wander free

And still be held captive in your life, in your fears.

To giggle and smile

While you drown in your own tears.

To deny all help with a ‘no’

while inside you cry out for ‘yes’.

To be lost to yourself

But still hoping to be found.

To be doing one thing

And being another.

To be split in two

And still be one.

To be torn apart between

the should and want.

To love-not wholly

To be loved-not enough

A love-never complete.

To be your own greatest enemy

And your sole best friend.

Running from yourself

Is no escape.

For this curse which you dread

Is the darkness which you’re drawn to.

The curse of being afraid to die

And yet afraid to live.

“INFINITE NIGHT”- Nayana Nair

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The shadows didn’t exist nor any shades,

It was dark and black that never fades

Sounds,whisper,laughter and lament

Of people like me who came and went.

The dark didn’t frighten nor depress me,

For it was like this, from the time I’ve seen

From people I heard of lights and rainbows,

Things all have heard and no one knows.

We kept walking aimlessly and directionless

We kept walking cause that’s the only thing to do.

Sometimes I’d bump into sweet sounding people,

People who like me had always been walking.

We talked of things not-yet-ours,

of days not-yet-come

Of things that would change our lives

Of things that would bring our death.

And heard tales of light,

weaved in hope and lies

Of hanging drop of light,

That carries the weight of the night.

And we never spoke of our walk,

Of the times we’d fallen,

Of times we trampled people

In search of the light.

I guess that was what

The darkness was about.

To move forward in spite of all.

To reach a fine moment

In this infinite night

When we no longer have to walk.

Till another darkness engulfs us all.

“WHERE COLORS MERGE”- Nayana Nair

 

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As a child, they were, a wonder,

The brown stone bridge and the blue flowing under,

The green withering away on reaching the path,

The fiery red flames spitting everywhere its wrath,

The yellow sun, or orange maybe,

The pink that clouded the hands of babies,

The black cold night and the white snowflakes,

When colors had life, that was ours to take.

And today on the bridge I stand,

With withered white dissolving the pink of my hand.

Where went the colors? the wonder?

Now red is just love or danger.

The yellow just a hideous bright color,

The blue is for rain: for eyes or weather,

The green has, now, no space to grow,

Other colors, with time, come and go.

The people too are colored now

In their cheerful oranges,

Or gloomy blue nights.

In the black ashen hearts,

Or in the red gore fights.

In the yellow sunny smiles,

Or the lifeless aged white.

In the carefree green lives,

And colorful soaring kites.

But you my friend,

You my love,

Are very hard to define.

I look hard,

And guess I might,

But I’ll never get it right.

For you are where my judgment fails,

With your color having neither meaning nor shade.

As I stand at this rationality’s edge,

I see

You are, where all my colors merge.