#the right time to answer the door
The doorbell has been ringing for hours.
I wish I could say it was annoying. But it is not.
A part of me is happy to know that you are out there. That you know that sooner or later I would answer this door.
It has been long since anyone has deemed me good enough to take trouble for, to wait for.
Is that good enough reason to say yes. Does that mean that I love you back?
"Each and every one of your actions
Puts me up and down
I’m not someone who smiles this much
I suffered a lot because of you too
But each and every one of those things
I don’t hate it"
- "I love You", Akdong Musician
On days like these, I put on the music at the highest volume. To get rid of this awareness of another heart counting on mine.
But today I am afraid to do something like that. I am afraid to disappoint you. I don’t want you to think I am avoiding you. Even though I probably am.
I want to hear your every knock, I want to see how my heart beats as I sit here afraid of the moment you give up and stop.
I feel guilty of what they call “playing games”? But you know that is not who I am.
"I hate to make it obvious to you
I am more accustomed to endure this alone
please understand me"
"Oh they say love is for the loving
Without love maybe nothing is real
So am I loveless or do I just love less"
"Even when I stare at something
Even as I blink like the windscreen wipers
I wanted to continue holding on"
-"Rain Bird", Code Kunst
You want answers that I do not have.
And I have never let you leave empty-handed. Even when you came to me on rainy days with only sorrow, I have held onto you, I have tried my best to keep you together.
But this, this love, this is something too difficult for me.
It is a question that I cannot answer honestly. No matter how hard I try.
"Stories of ours of our closeness,
aren't any less.
So many times I have turned
my mornings into evenings sitting in your presence."
-"Channa Mereya", Arjit Singh
"If I told you with a crying face that I am having a difficult time
would it be better?
So who's going to have a harder time? If I whine about being in pain
will everything be okay?"
"Right now the time is wrong
I've been writing these songs 'bout how I can't be with you"
I want to hang on to a future, any future with you. But should I say things I do not mean to keep you here with me.
Should I keep bringing you flowers that I cannot keep alive?
I may have helped you live for a while.
But I am not the one who heals. I am not the one who understands. I am the one who eventually fails at being the person I am loved for.
"I don't believe in shootin' stars
But made a wish and here we are
But what if we're not meant to be?
What if dreams aren't meant for dreams?"
"You’ll hate me, you’ll go crazy
You’ll regret, saying you shouldn’t have met me"
-"Be Well", Sechskies
"At times I'm disappointed with myself
Honestly, I trample myself (trample myself)
"Do you only amount to this?""
I am at loss for words, not because I don’t need your love. But because I never expected it.
I am hiding not because I am afraid of opening my heart. I am hiding, because my love is and has always been about thinking for you. To think what is best for you.
Love sometimes becomes a synonym for giving up. I am not stupid enough to think that we are a better than that fate.
I am afraid as I am not sure what you’d have to give up for choosing me.
"Yesterday, I was awkward
Today, I’m lost
It wasn’t an easy day
The world I used to live in
And the temperature of today are so different"
-"I Pray", Motte
"There’s no such thing as beautiful goodbyes"
My past has become my brokenness. Your past lives on as your vulnerability. I want an answer that doesn’t break us anymore.
But I am reluctant to ask around for the answers I don’t know.
I am reluctant to learn the causes of the ship that sank down in the best promising weather. I do not want to find your reasons or my answers in the words of friends or strangers who only talk of giving up or settle down.
I do want the answer that our fear of loneliness dictates.
"In this love abandoned Autumn
We'll go raking up the leaves, yeah
The leaves that leaves that have fallen
From these cold and dying trees
In our hearts"
"You’re like a flower petal, waiting to fall
You’re like a numb person
Walking towards the edge of a cliff
The longing image of you
Smears over me"
-"Almost there", VIXX
"I don't know what I should do.
My heart is crashing down."
I am waiting for the right time and right heart to answer your feelings with the sincerity it deserves.
I am sorry that my sincerity comes with wait, hurt, and misunderstandings.
"When I see you so tired,
am I a burden perhaps? Am I too much for you?"
"My eyes were shimmering with tears,
however, in my heart, I remained warm
Firmly you told me, again and again you told me,
how much you loved me."
-"The moment", Aaron Yan