the pain near my spine,
all the hours in front of me
that i have no use of.
i look at my palm
from near and from as far
as my hands can extend.
i notice how my hands have changed.
do i like it better now?
i wonder if it possible
to like anything about my body now.
i remember once deciding
not to at least hate this skin
that has use for everyone but not to me.
i remember saying “as long as it makes you happy”
at the same time thinking “i don’t think you care for my happiness”.
i stop myself from finding more things that make me confused or miserable.
i unlock my phone.
it’s 8 already-
more and more notifications,
…5GB extra.. Alert:You have spent…
…has added a new post …added a new story
airplane mode, the notifications continue to pile up in my head-
all the words that i will never get to see
that i always expected even when i knew i shouldn’t,
it has been long… …sorry, for making you feel alone…
today i saw something and was reminded of you.
even though we are not together, it is not your fault…
thank you for being there for me… …it must have been tough…
don’t hurt yourself
i feel smaller knowing that even the words i want
are only words of consolation,
just confirmation that i am not the worst.
i look at my hands again and wonder
if my hatred for myself colors my skin.
is that how everyone gets know
that i don’t have the courage
to ask for fair,
for loyalty, for answers?
is that how i look?
someone who doesn’t have the voice
to ask anything anymore.
Tag Archives: pile
There are moments of indifference
that once piled up
seems more than the years I have lived.
There are too many memories
where I cannot see anyone but myself
running around in a dark cave
afraid of everything I bump into.
Not knowing that even if I shout
if anyone would hear,
sometimes fearful of who might hear me.
And even though
you are out of your cave
and I am out of mine.
Now when we can see all the things we couldn’t.
Now when we can really see each others scars.
Now when we have the luxury to know each others pain.
it is better to pretend we are still in our caves.
For too many things have been done,
too many words have been said.
And we do not remember answers to question
that we wanted each other to ask.
Its hard to breathe, its hard to see,
With these tears in my eyes,
I can barely move, I can barely stand,
On this pile of misery and lies.
Bubbles of happiness I see below,
From this pile that stands tall,
I want to be there, not here,
But my heart can’t bear another fall.
Still haunted by the memory of last fall,
That I took to chase my dreams,
Everything was just as it is now,
The same happy bubbles below, through which sunshine gleams.
Alone and Deserted, on this desolate pile,
Amidst this hopelessness I gear a new tone,
A tune, a melody, that whispers hope to my heart,
An encouragement it filled, that melody unknown.
So here I stand, to take a leap to escape,
rather than a leap of faith,
A desperate effort to escape ,
my worries, my life and my fate.
I know not whether I’ll reach that happiness,
those gleaming bubbles of joy I see.
what I know is even if I land on another pile,
I’ll never leave this joy, that melody instilled in me.